The Shot Heard Around Her World
by lnl4ever
Summary: Post Watershed. "Detective Beckett. I'm calling about a Richard Castle..." No, this can't be happening. He was supposed to be safe. Complete.
1. Dull

Her day started off like every other day now. Dull. She had a dull ache from the constant missing. Her days were dull, even her coffee was dull. She realizes she has no one to blame but herself for this new life she has created in DC. That doesn't make the pain go away though.

Sure, she likes her job well enough. Agent Beckett has learned, she has grown, and is a remarkable agent for the AG. Yet, it is not the same. It's just… dull.

Castle. That infuriating, beautiful man was anything but dull. Just the thought of him brought a little smile to her face, until she remembered that infuriating, beautiful man was no longer hers. It has been a little over 4 months since the fateful proposal on the swing set. She could hear, practically feel, the desperation and need coming off of him when he began to talk.

At first, she thought he was breaking up with her. His words not making sense, other than the subtext she could plainly read which said, "I can't do this with you anymore. You are too much work. I give up." With every second that passed, her heart broke a little bit more. She didn't want this. She wanted more, because she knew he was worth it. They were worth it.

Then, he proposed. What the hell was he thinking?! They weren't ready for this. She just flew to DC without telling him. If that isn't telling then she doesn't know what else is.

She tried to explain.

"_Castle. No… we can't …do this now. It isn't… God Castle…" Beckett said as she put her head in her hands. Silent tears fall down her face as she realizes that maybe if he had broken up with her it wouldn't hurt this bad. She always did the hurting._

"_Kate. You said you wanted to know where we are going. What we are. I'm giving this to you! Marry me, Kate. We can figure out the rest later."_

"_This isn't right, Castle. Please…" she whispered._

_Just when she thought he hadn't heard her, he stands up. She finally looks up into his dark, blue eyes. She is shocked by what she sees there, or rather what she doesn't. The love she has grown so accustomed to seeing was replaced with hurt, and finality that is sure to hurt._

"_Fine Detective, or should I say Agent Beckett. Fine. You've promised me always before. I believed you and I hoped that one day we would have it. I see now that you will always put you before me. I can't… I'm done. Enjoy DC."_

_With that, he walked away._

A week later, she was packed up and moving to DC. She said goodbye to her Dad, who took it better than she thought. He was supportive and she may have detected a little pride in his smile when she told him what she would now be doing. He was a great father and she needed that support from someone. Even if she knew he was secretly concerned for her broken heart.

Her co-workers, her friends, weren't nearly as excited. Espo nodded his head at her, with a brief half smile, as she walked out of the 12th for the last time. Ryan, the sweet guy that he is, gave her a hug. He told her to keep in touch and to remember she always had a home here. She could tell he meant it, but that he was angry with her too.

Lanie. Lanie was pissed. Not so much that Kate was leaving, but why she was leaving. She was leaving New York because her relationship with Castle imploded, and her unwillingness to fight for him. She was running away because that is what she is good at, right? Lanie managed to voice all of her darkest concerns in about 10 minutes. To say she stormed out of there, with a friendship more than likely ruined, is an understatement.

Missing her friends, her dad, Castle, was a constant thing. As she looked at her watch, she realized she was going to be late if she didn't leave for work soon. It was a daily struggle to get herself in to work on time these days. Kate didn't want to stop to analyze why.

After shrugging on her jacket, grabbing her badge and gun, she moved towards the door. Her phone began to ring, and she pulled it from her front pocket.

"Beckett." (It was still difficult to say the "Agent" before her name.)

"Hi Detective Beckett. This is Sandy from Mount Sinai. I'm calling about a Richard Castle."

Her heart starts beating in double time. She can barely breathe. No, this is not how the story goes. He is supposed to be _safe_ now.

"Mr. Castle was shot earlier in the evening…"

To Be Continued


	2. The Call

Shot.

Castle. Rick. Shot.

Yup, she is about to go into a full blown panic attack. She never thought that he would still need protecting after she left her city. Without her, Castle was supposed to stay safe and happy and away from her world of death and guns.

Kate couldn't remember everything the nurse, Sandy…?, had said. Basically that he was brought in by ambulance with a GSW to the back, located too closely to the spine. The extent of the injury was still unknown as the surgeon had yet to give an update.

Kate didn't need to know anymore right now. He was alive, and she began to pray like she had never prayed before. "_Please_ let him be ok" was the never ending plea in her head while she grabbed a few things. Any other outcome was unfathomable.

She would text Clemmons, her new boss, to let him know she wouldn't be in and that it would probably be a while before she could return. Her partner, ex-partner, was shot and that was all that she could think about. Screw her job.

Oh… that is what she should have said 4 months ago. Idiot.

With a bag full of underwear, a few shirts, jeans, and 3 socks along with her cell phone charger, she grabbed her keys and left. It was a 5 hour drive to New York from DC, but there wasn't any other flights leaving that would get her there quicker. This was going to be the longest 5 hours of her life.

Apparently, Alexis was still in Costa Rica and Martha had decided to join a group of friends on a cruise to Alaska. They were both unreachable at the moment. However, the phrase "We called you, Detective, because Mr. Castle has you listed as his next of kin."

Next of kin? Sure, that would have been the case 4 months ago. Perhaps he had forgotten that he wrote her name in, but that doesn't explain why he had her name written down at all. He could have chosen Alexis or Martha. Hell, he could've even had one of his ex-wives down. She was his partner, his girlfriend. Not next of kin worthy.

She didn't want to admit that he was still her next of kin, by choice.

Either way, she was glad that she was notified. She wants to see him. _Needs_ to see him. With tears in her eyes, she starts the drive with hope that he will be ok, regret that he was even in this position, and pissed at whoever pulled that trigger.

Yes, that is something she could handle. She can find out what happened to him. She will find out what happened to him. They will pay. Esposito and Ryan will help… possibly. Even if they are still upset with her leaving the team, they would never make Castle pay. Kate just hopes they even take her call.

She sure hopes a lot… for a girl that doesn't deserve it. Castle does. Alexis does. Martha does. Yes, she will do this for them. She will push aside her selfish, scared ways and do what is best for Rick. Find the shooter, get justice. Just like they always do.

**To Be Continued**


	3. Finding Her Way

**Thanks for the few reviews and alerts I've received. I am not a writer, nor do I pretend to have any skill at it. I do, however, appreciate the confidence boost from you readers. :)**

4 hours and 27 minutes later, Beckett pulled into Mount Sinai's parking lot. The drive had been a drive filled with tears, regrets and self-loathing. Luckily, the drive had also been almost devoid of highway patrol which allowed for slightly illegal speeding.

She rushed to the floor Castle was at. Due to the insane amount of times their team had been to the hospital, it wasn't difficult to find. Kate hurriedly found a nurse and asked for information regarding Rick Castle.

"Mr. Castle has just been wheeled into the ICU unit after an 8 hour surgery. We were unaware his family had arrived yet. Take a seat and I'll get Dr. Marshall to come talk to you about his condition."

"Great…. ya, great. Thanks. But um, please, can you tell me how he is. Please?" Kate shakily asked the nurse.

"I'm sorry. I haven't seen him yet. Just take a seat and the doctor will be out shortly."

Of course. From the time she got the call until now, Kate had been in action. She hadn't had to sit and wait on someone else. So, now that she was waiting for Dr. Marshall she was getting antsy and the fear of losing Castle began to creep up even stronger.

What felt like hours, but was only 20 minutes later, Kate stood as Dr. Marshall entered the small waiting room.

"Hello Detective, I'm Dr. Marshall. I was told you are here for Richard Castle?"

"Yes, Castle is my… uh, ya… here. Call me Kate." she stumbled. Smooth, real smooth.

"Well Kate, Mr. Castle was brought in here at 4:32 am with a GSW to his back. The bullet entered just a few millimeters away from his lower spinal cord. During the surgery, we were able to repair as much of the damage that we could, remove the bullet, and keep him alive. When he arrived, he had severe blood loss and was unconscious. Unfortunately, we won't how this will affect his mobility until he wakes up."

Dr. Marshall paused momentarily, letting Kate soak in the details he had just shared with her. He continued when she looked like she was following.

"We currently have him in a medical induced coma. He will need a lot of rest and minimal movement until the swelling has gone down and we can better assess the damage. Mr. Castle is in room 603, down the hall, if you'd like to go sit with him. Our policy is 10 minutes a visitor, but for New York's finest I think I can make an exception."

With that, he winked and looked at Kate. This was her time to ask questions, find out any more information the doctor might have about Castle, but she couldn't care less. She needed to see him with her own eyes before she could clearly think.

"Thanks. Really… Thanks for saving him." Kate said, stronger than she felt.

After a brief goodbye, Kate made her way to Castle's room. She was terrified to see him in that hospital room. She was terrified that he wouldn't want her there when he wakes up. She was terrified she'd have to leave him again.

'_Come on, Beckett, pull it together,' _said the annoying voice in her head that sounds suspiciously like Castle. His voice had become the voice of reason in the bag of weird that is her brain lately. Ironic, since the man himself was rarely reasonable.

Room 603. She found it with ease, but opening the door with her shaky hand proved to be more difficult. With a deep breathe she entered the cold, sterile hospital room. Immediately her eyes filled with tears as she took in her Castle, lying in that bed all alone. In all the years she was with him, she couldn't recall ever seeing him in a hospital bed. It was usually her lying there, unconscious.

She gets what it's like to be in Castle's shoes now. It sucks.

She moves slowly towards the bed, almost as if she expects him to jump off the bed and yell "Surprise!" at any moment. Her eyes rack his body, taking in all the details she can see as to how he truly is. His torso is bandaged, she assumes because of the gunshot wound. What she wasn't expecting was to see how skinny he looked. His skin was paler than it normally was, even for being washed out for the blood loss.

Maybe he was taking the break up just as bad as she was. After all, she had to shop for a whole new wardrobe after the move… all of her clothes were too baggy on her now.

Finally, her eyes traveled up to his face. His eyes were closed, and he looked like he wasn't in any pain. As she reached out to move the piece of hair out of his face, she finally realized what was happening. Castle, Rick Castle, the love of her life, almost died today. Alone.

She broke.

**To Be Continued**


	4. Mother May I

After an embarrassing encounter full of tears, snot, and sobbing when a nurse walked in to check Castle, Beckett decided she needed to get her crap together. Emotional or not, she had a job to do. A few jobs to do, that wouldn't allow her to be the blubbering mess she is right now.

Martha and Alexis need to know what has happened. They will want to come home as soon as possible, and she needed to be able to help them do that. First, she needed to figure out a way to get in touch with each of them. She was sure Castle would have emergency contact info somewhere on his phone. His phone was always attached to his person.

She also needed to figure out who the hell do this to him. In the back of her mind she knew that contacting her former partners at the 12th would be the best way to get this taken care of. That was not going to be a great conversation.

Crap! She never asked about the bullet that was taken from his… body… during surgery. She hasn't asked who is handling the case. What the hell has she been doing?!

'_Freaking out isn't helping anyone Beckett' _said her Castle conscience. Right, calm down. One step at a time.

Martha. She needs to talk to Martha first. Alexis will need her when she finds out, and she isn't so sure they will be pleased to hear from Kate. In fact, she knows when they get here there is a high probability she will be kicked out of the state by his family.

Kate located his personal belongings located in the closet of his hospital room. She found his phone and quickly searched his recent call list. She was shocked to discover how frequently he was in touch with her old team. It appears that they were almost in constant contact.

Either they are best buds and hang out a lot or he stayed with the 12th after she left….?

She finally finds the contact "Mother May I" in his phone. This brings a smile to her face at his constant silliness. A silliness she has grown to love and miss. She wasn't sure how to tell Martha about the shooting, and if she was being honest, she wished someone else could do this for her. Taking the coward's way out was not even an option though.

"Oh, Richard! I'm having a lovely time, but I can't talk. I'm about to…" Martha answered after a few rings.

"Martha." Kate interrupted her before she could finish her sentence.

"Detective Beckett? This is quite the surprise, dear. I didn't realize you were back in New York. Actually," she said with a dark chuckle, "I didn't realize you and Richard were on speaking terms."

"Martha. I have to tell you something, but I need you to know before I give you the details that he is ok."

Kate had to pause, both so Martha would understand her son was ok and also because she was going to lose it. Again. She couldn't afford to cry like a little bitch baby when trying to tell Castle's mom he was ok.

"Rick was shot earlier this morning. I don't know any details about that right now, but I do know that he is currently stable. I was called before I went to work this morning and just got in to Mount Sinai an hour ago."

She could hear his mother struggling to breathe on the other end of the line. She knew just how terrifying a phone call like this is to get. It makes your heart feel like it will burst from your chest, your head goes foggy, and all you can think about is that you wish you were closer to him.

"Martha? What can I do to help you?" After a long pause, Kate repeated, "Martha?"

"Yes, yes dear. I am hear. I need to find out how to get off this God forsaken boat. Alexis! Oh God! Alexis needs to know. She needs to be there. We both need to be there. Kathrine, if you care anything for my son, do not leave him alone until we are there. You hear me?"

Kate was a little taken back by the uneasiness she could hear in Martha's voice. She was always calm, even under pressure. She knew from experience that sometimes all it took was to hear Martha's perspective on what seems like a horrible situation, because she can bring reason and order when all seems dark and uncertain. She needed to be that person for Martha now.

"You have my word, Martha. Castle will never be alone. I won't leave him again" she promised with every ounce of courage and strength she had in her. Kate never felt surer of anything else in her life at his moment.

Kate continued, "I will talk to Alexis and let her know what happened. You need to tell me where your next stop is and I will arrange for you to take a flight home from that city as soon as possible. I will have Rick's phone with me so you can let me know as soon as you find out. Martha, I will take care of him until you get here. "

"Ok… yes. Thank you…" she almost whispered. "Kate? Will my boy be ok?"

"Yes. Castle is strong. He won't leave you. He still has years of annoying you left in him yet." Kate said with tears in her eyes. Castle would try to lighten things up for his mom. He wouldn't want her to be so broken.

With a slight chuckle Martha replied, "That he does. Thank you, Kate. I'll be in touch soon."

After the phones were disconnected, Kate took a minute to digest the conversation. She needed another few minutes to stare at Castle, reassure herself with light touches to his hands and face, that he was still here. She needed just a little courage for the next phone call she had to make.

**To Be Continued**


	5. Reality

Well, that could have gone better. A lot better. When Alexis gets here… that will be quite the showdown. Hopefully Castle or Martha will be there to act as a buffer. Wow! She would force an injured Castle to protect her from his very protective daughter.

"_Hey Daddy! I was just wondering why I hadn't from you yet today. What's up?"_

"_Hi, Alexis. This is Kate, uh… Beckett."_

"_Oh" she spits out sharply. "What the hell do you want and why do you have my dad's phone?"_

Kate had expected anger and hurt, but she hadn't expected it so sudden, so apparent in her voice. She had never seen the girl really mad before. Alexis was always easy going, so she was caught off guard for a moment. Trying to rein in her emotions and accept the hurt Alexis was about to put Kate through.

"_Alexis, I'm calling because your father was shot earlier this morning. I was notified that he had been taken to the hospital, Mount Sinai, and that he needed someone to come sign his medical paperwork. I got here as quickly as I could."_

_There was a gasp and long pause as Alexis processed this information. Kate hated this. So much_

"_Is he… alive?" Alexis managed to say through the tears now streaming down her face._

"_Yes. He is going to be ok. The doctors aren't sure what damage was done, but you will see your dad alive as soon as you get here." There was no doubt in her mind that Castle wouldn't leave his family._

"_Ok… ok. I, um, need to call Gram. Figure out what to do…" Alexis whispered._

"_I just called her, so she knows what's going on. She will fly in as soon as they dock in the next town. How can I help you get home?" Kate said, hoping to sound strong and sure._

"_I don't know. Agent Beckett, I really don't want your help." Ouch._

"_Ok, well let me know if I can do anything. I promised Martha I'd stay with him. He won't be alone."_

"_I think it's a little too late for that. Don't you think?" With that Alexis hung up the phone. _

Ya, I think it might be… Kate thought as she reflected upon the conversation they had 5 minutes ago.

It seemed crazy that it was barely after 1 pm and so much had happened. Everything in her life was turned upside down. Uprooted. She was back in her city, with the man she loved, in a hospital she spent too much time in, crying for the mistakes she had made months ago, and knowing that it was all her fault.

She laid her head down on the bed, with her hand in his. Kate could feel the strength return to her slowly with the close proximity to her writer. She hadn't really thought too much about what Castle might say when he wakes up. That will surely be fun…

"Beckett."

Kate whips her head to the door to see Espo and Ryan standing in the doorway. Their faces flashed with a multitude of emotions ranging from concern, worry, shock, and finally anger. Well, looks like she had one less phone conversation to make. It made her feel slightly better that her team, ex-team, was there already for their fallen friend.

"Hey guys" Kate said and she stood and turned toward the door the boys still had yet to fully enter. She kept her hand in his.

"What are you doing here?" asked Ryan. It appeared that he was going to be the spokesman for this conversation. Esposito already had that look she had seen so many times when he was pissed at the person sitting across from him in an interrogation room. It was cold, calculating, and unwavering. His arms crossed over his chest proved just how shut off he was from Kate.

"I was called… a nurse said Castle still had me written down as his contact. How did you guys know he was here?" she asked.

"We were with him… where you should have been." Ryan said with little emotion.

"Oh. I… didn't know. So, you guys are on it then? That's good, really good."

"We just came to make sure he was ok. We need to get back." Ryan looked back at Espo and received a head nod. They both turned to leave, but stopped when Kate called out.

"Wait! Please… I know you owe me nothing. I know I've lost your trust, and probably your friendship. Just… can you let me know how the investigation is going. Please?" she begged.

"Maybe. When we get more information, we will… let you know. Bye Beckett."

Both boys walked out the door without looking back. Yup, that could definitely have gone better.

**To Be Continued**


	6. The Waiting Game

**Thanks again for the reviews and follows so far. A few of you mentioned the short chapters. Ya, if I make them any longer it will stress me out. The short chapters are easy for me to get out which allows me to update quickly. Seriously though… thanks for the feedback. Keep it comin'! :)**

In the past 2 hours since the boys left, Kate had talked with Martha once again. She would be able to make it in around 10 am tomorrow. Alexis would be back a few hours after Martha. As selfish as it sounds she is happy that she will have the rest of the day to herself with Castle. She is also glad she won't have to be alone with Alexis. Martha will definitely be on Alexis' side, but it will be nice to have a third party involved.

She also spoke with Dr. Marshall again. He had come in to make sure everything was going well. She realized doctors don't do a lot of post-op room visits. He probably was a fan of Castle's work, influenced by the money Castle could drop for the hospital, or because apparently he was on the job when he was shot. Hospitals take care of cops well, and he was as much a cop as she was.

Dr. Marshall had informed Kate that they expected, barring any infections, to take Castle off of the heavy sleep drugs this afternoon. It was unsure how long it would take for him to wake up, but he could potentially be awake by tonight. Once he was awake, they would be able to see the extent of the injuries he sustained. It was looking positive though, because his feet twitched when tickled or pinched.

She hoped he would wake up quickly. She missed his voice so much. She missed his eyes, his smile. She even missed how annoying he can be, and Kate was willing to admit to such when he would wake up. Glancing at her watch she figured she had about 6 hours before she could even begin to expect Castle to wake up.

Preferably, Kate wished she could be helping the boys out with the investigation with this free time. There was no way that she would leave his side, but she could help go over the crime scene pictures, look through evidence, just something to keep her mind occupied and her hands busy. The adrenaline from the last few hours had worn off and now she just had to wait. The waiting game was never something she was good at.

Texting the boys for more info was out of the question. They would contact her when they were ready and she realized she needed to accept that. This was their turf now, and she would just be grateful for any information she would receive. It was going to take time and a lot of effort for her team (Yes, she was going to keep referring to them as such) to trust her again. She would fight for a chance to make it up to them.

The thoughts of her team, made her think of Lanie. She missed her best friend so much. Kate was never really close to many girl friends growing up, and once her mom died she wasn't close to anyone. Until she met Lanie. She never really realized it before, but Lanie was similar to Castle. She forced her way in to Kate's life through persistence, but with way more force than Castle ever used.

They started off as colleagues, then Lanie would invite her out for drinks every once in a while. Kate was so consumed by her mom's case at that time that she always turned down the invitation. Eventually, Lanie stopped inviting her and would just show up to the precinct to drag Kate away. Their mutual respect for each other quickly formed a trusting friendship. Kate rarely listened to anyone's opinions about her life decisions, but Lanie had a special way to see past Kate's bull shit and make her listen.

The last time she saw Lanie… yeah, it was pretty bad. Lanie was unearthing every insecurity Kate had about her life, her job, and her relationship with Castle. She was fighting dirty to keep her here, both for selfish reasons and because she knew Kate was making a mistake. The job she was offered was wonderful, a tribute to the hard work and dedication she had made to serving and fighting for justice, but it wasn't worth what she was giving up in the process. She was giving up her family, both blood and chosen. She was giving up her future, her happiness. Lanie didn't sugar coat this fact, and Kate wouldn't stay to listen to it. If she did, she would've surely changed her mind.

So, Kate left. She calmly told Lanie she knew what she was doing and to mind her own damn business. Before the door had even closed she regretted the harsh words. This wasn't how she wanted to leave her best friend. This wasn't supposed to be this hard. Her pride kept her from going back in to fix it.

Well, she sighed, it was probably time she made another phone call. This time she would use her own phone to call Dr. Parish. She knew that the boy's had already told her about Castle so at least she didn't have to repeat the story again. Nope, she was going to have to apologize and be ready for a battle with her. She was going to have to listen to Lanie tell her at least 1,000 times "I told you so".

**To Be Continued**


	7. Lanie

**FYI- I plan on switching it up next chapter. It will be a flashback in Castle's perspective while we wait for our writer to wake up. Thanks for the increased support on this fic. Enjoy! (Also, thanks to Soprano009 for catching my Laney/Lanie error.)**

"Well, well, well… isn't it the prodigal daughter returning to save the day. Wow, Kate. Glad you can grace us lowly folk her in New York. Did you have to wear scrubs… wouldn't want you to dirty your new image after all" Lanie saucily answered the phone.

"Hilarious Lanie" Kate deadpanned, "I'm glad you took my call. I wasn't sure you would … after the way we left things."

"Castle's in the hospital. I know you are with him in the hospital. Don't go thinking this about us and our friendship Kate Beckett. I'm pissed as hell at you and a phone call won't fix this. However, I am willing to talk to you about Castle because I can handle a situation without running away."

"Lanie… ugh! I… don't even know why I called," she replies dejectedly. "Just… if we are going to make this about just Castle, will you please tell me what happened? The boys are just as pissed at me and I would really like to be filled in on what went down. Is that too much to ask?"

Lanie paused for a minute, "This isn't my story to tell, Kate. I don't even know all the details. You gotta put on your Federal Agent panties and ask the boys for that."

"I'm scared Lanie," Kate whispered. "I am scared for Castle, that he won't recover. I'm scared for Alexis and Martha… I promised to keep him safe. I broke my promise to them! I have failed the only man I've ever loved and I can't fix it." Her voice broke as she said, "I can't fix the relationships that mean the most to me. I am so sorry, so sorry."

"Sorry, sweetie, but this isn't the time you get to break down. You are right, you broke that promise. This wasn't your fault, because even if you'd been there you still couldn't have stopped what happened. What you are responsible for now is getting your shit together, figuring out what is important to you, and whether or not you can be here to pick up the pieces you left behind. Because let me tell you, best friend or not, I will kick your ass if you leave again. You don't get to come in here, play the hero, and break everything again. I can't go through that again. The boys can't. Castle… he can't do it, Kate."

"If I stay, will it even matter? It seems you guys have been fine while I was gone."

With a dark chuckle Lanie replies, "You have no idea what the hell you are talking about. I don't ever want to hear you say that again. You aren't the victim here, so stop reaching. Figure out what you want, and if you are willing to bust your ass to get your friendships back. It won't be easy, it won't be quick, and it might not even happen at all. This was your decision Kate, now you get to live with the consequences."

Just as Kate is about to reply, she sees the boys through the glass. They were approaching the room, and she could only hope they came to share the circumstances behind the shooting.

"Listen Lanie, I made mistakes. I will own up to them, and I will fight to make this right. You'll see. The boys are here so I need to go, but I'll talk to you soon…" She paused for a moment and continued, "I have missed you . So much."

She heard Lanie hang up on her end of the conversation. No, "I missed you too" but she knew that was bound to happen. In some of the ways Lanie talked, it seemed that things were bad after she left. She would have to analyze it later, because right now she needed to focus on the boys who just walked in.

She hadn't noticed the last time they were here how different they appeared. She was too shocked that they were even in the same room with her to really look at them. They looked worn out, beaten almost. Both looked like they hadn't eaten in a while, and that they hadn't slept more than a few hours at a time. Oh, boys. What have I done?

"Beckett. You brought the case files. Want to take a look?"

**Short Chapter… I wanted to finish up the Lanie stuff before I got into the "why and how" of the shooting. My plan is to get that up tonight. **


	8. The Back Story

**Ok. I'm a little nervous about this chapter. It was more difficult to write so let me know what you think...**

"A body dropped last night. It was about 10:30 last night when we showed up to the scene. Castle had beaten us, again, and was standing over the body. He and Lanie were discussing the time of death because the bullet between the vic's head was obviously the cause of death…."

"_Hey guys. Thanks for joining us this fine evening" Castle smirked._

"_Shut it, bro. I was out with this fine piece of…" Espo stopped and glanced towards Lanie, "furniture. Yeah, I'm looking in to buying new furniture. Couldn't leave the store without…"_

"_Oh, honey, believe me when I say you can go out with other girls. You won't find any one better than me though. Good luck, maybe get yourself a tetanus shot every once in a while" Lanie said with a sly smile. _

"_Burn!" replied Ryan and Castle at the same time. They then turned to 'feed the birds' with each other. _

_Esposito couldn't respond, so instead he crossed his arms and scowled._

_After Beckett had left, Castle was uncertain whether or not he would remain at the 12__th__. He had become part of the team, in search of justice, which was far more important than the "I'm shadowing a detective for my book" thing he had going on in the beginning. He learned it was ok to grow up here, act like the responsible adult his immediate family knew him to be. It was easy to shake the playboy image from the tabloids here. This was partly done to impress Detective Beckett, but mostly because he felt safe enough to show his true colors. Ironic really, because it wasn't a real safe place to work._

_A week after she was officially gone, Castle received a short phone call from Gates of all people. _

"_Mr. Castle? Have you decided that you are too good for us now that Detective Beckett has left?"_

"_Um, no sir. I just… assumed… that I was done when she resigned" Castle managed to spit out. Still in shock in that he was talking to the Captain._

"_Is that what you want?"_

"_No, sir. I want to be there, with the team."_

"_I will see you tomorrow then, Mr. Castle. Don't be late."_

_After an hour at the scene, the boys concluded that the vic had known his assailant. No obvious signs of a struggle were present on the body or around the crime scene. This was the primary crime scene, the body and his affects were left untouched. He was identified as Graham Stevens, 28 years old, from Manhattan by his driver's license. Lanie had finished with her prelim in the field, and would let them know more when she got the body back to the morgue._

_Detectives Ryan and Esposito, along with Castle, returned to the 12__th__ to set up the murder board. It was always bittersweet to set the murder board up. Castle struggled between fond memories of sitting in front of it, spinning ridiculous theories to get a smile from Beckett, and the cold, hard reality that things were so vastly different. He wasn't going to think about her…_

_The timeline was set up, and it was pretty obvious what they were looking at. This wasn't going to be Beckett Flavored… I mean weird… case. The vic left a party with his roommate around 9:30 pm. He was discovered at 10:05. This meant they only had approximately a 30 minute window of time to figure out who was the murderer. It was pretty obvious the roommate was their guy, but they had to back it up with evidence. Ryan ran both the vic's and the suspect's financials and phone records. Esposito was in charge of putting out an APB for the roommate, Seth Thomas. Castle's job was to find out who Thomas and Stevens were._

_Around 2:30 am they decided to call it a night. They were still waiting to hear back from CSU for any physical evidence the killer left behind, waiting on the autopsy report Lanie was finishing, and Thomas was still missing._

"_Castle. Espo. Let's call it a night. We've done as much we can." Ryan said._

"_Hey Espo, did your furniture make it to your place, or do you need to go back to the store to get it?" Castle asked with a smile._

"_Shut up, bro. I can make you bleed" Espo responded with a sneer._

"_Yeah, I was curious about this furniture. Is it a loveseat? A recliner?" Ryan laughed out._

"_Ryan, you are supposed to be on my side. Some partner you are…"_

_Ryan and Castle laughed as they put their jackets on and gathered their stuff to head out._

"_Come on… you have to admit. That was a good one, Espo" Ryan said while laughing._

"_Whatever."_

_Castle had been quiet through the majority of the conversation. He participates once in a while, is always present in the conversations that go on. However, for the past 4 months he rarely starts the conversations, never carries on the conversations, and says the bare minimum. The boys made a point to keep him engaged as much as possible. They missed the pre-Caskett Castle. This shadow of a man was too sad, too much the polar opposite of what he used to be._

_Castle was sitting in his office, staring at his SMART board. He was supposed to have the next 10 chapters to Gina by yesterday, and he literally had nothing. Not one freakin' word. His job was suffering from this writer's block. He just… couldn't write about her. It was still too painful. He was at the precinct to keep some sort of memory of his Kate. For how long they were together, the 4 years of partnership and almost a year of dating, he had very little evidence to prove that he once had Kate Beckett. Some days that was good. He didn't need any physical reminders of his loss. He hated her on those days._

_Other days, like today, Castle craved the life he had 6 months ago. He missed the cherry smell. He missed her eye rolls, and he missed her laugh. He lost a partner, his lover, but more importantly his best friend. He had grown closer to Lanie, Espo and Ryan lately, but he still craved the relationship he had with Kate._

_Man he needed to get a grip! She shot down… Wait… shot! That's it! He knew what happened to Graham Stevens. He needed to get back to the crime scene to confirm his suspicions. Quickly changing his clothes, he ran his hands through his hair and grabbed his phone. He will text Espo to let him know he was headed to back to the crime scene._

_He had been trying to figure out how Thomas could've possibly escaped without any witnesses. They gunshot was loud enough that even New Yorkers would notice a man running away. Maybe he had been there all along, waiting until he could escape unnoticed. No one had seen him, and he had very few friends in the city. He had nowhere else to hide, but in plain sight._

_10 minutes later, around 4:30 am, Castle found himself at the crime scene. Alone. This probably wasn't his best idea ever. No partner meant no protection. Surely Thomas wouldn't still be hanging around here though. That would be monumentally stupid._

"You are monumentally stupid for going in to this alone. Wait for back up, Castle."

_Seriously?! Why did his Jiminy Cricket sound so much like Beckett? Even his own mind is determined to remind him of his loss. Well, she isn't here. He can do what he wants. He will ignore the fact that he sounds like a 2 year old arguing with himself._

_He hears a noise about 10 meters away, behind this bushy area. No one had bothered to look over there because it wasn't close to the body. It'd probably make a decent hideout, especially if no one knows to look there. He wanders over to the area, when he hears the bush rustle. _

_Before he can react, Castle stands face to face with a man holding a gun straight out at him. The look in his eyes let's Castle know this guy is scared. Yup, this was a big mistake…_

_He turned to run away when he felt a pain in his back. His world went black almost immediately. _

_His last thought? _

"_No one will find me." He forgot to text Espo._

**To Be Continued**


	9. Decisions

Esposito turned to Kate, "I found him about 15 minutes after he had been shot. He went to that crime scene alone. He didn't have a partner any more, and he didn't feel he needed back up, Beckett. You didn't pull the trigger, but I can't help but blame you."

At this point Kate had her head hung. She had been stoic while listening to the details of the case, and hadn't even shed a tear when she heard how Castle had been shot. Her selfishness may have cost Castle his life. She just kept hearing, "He didn't have a partner anymore" over and over in her head. He was alone. He was alone, bleeding out, scared to death in the black of night. This information was more than she could possibly process. She stayed silent.

"Beckett, I'm not so sure you should be here… He is pretty angry with you" Ryan said.

"The hell I am! You can hate me, you can curse me, and I will take all the blame and true things you have to say. I deserve that. I will not abandon him again. I gave my word to Martha, and I will not leave his side until he kicks me out of here. So, no. Respectfully, I will not leave. I will fight you."

There was a silent stand- off between the three former partners. Ryan was shocked with the force behind her words. He was unfamiliar with this meek Beckett he'd seen since she arrived. This was the Beckett he knew. Fighting for what she believed in. It made him miss the friend he lost 4 months ago. Too little too late though. The evidence was her mistake was laying in a hospital bed.

Esposito was hurting. He and Beckett had always shared a unique connection due to their pasts. On some level he gets why she left. He gets why she ran. But his heart hurt too much to accept her back. He lost his partner, his friend, and she took away Castle. He was protective to a fault, and it seems that his loyalty had shifted from his former leader to her ex-partner. He had to protect Castle from Beckett, because he couldn't protect himself.

Beckett would not give in. She will fight tooth and nail to be with him. She luckily had the legal right to be in that room, but she was hoping that it wouldn't resort to that. However, she was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that Castle doesn't wake up alone. She needed him to know that he won't ever be alone again.

Eventually a nurse walked in and broke the staring contest. "Sorry guys. I need you all to clear the room for a while. You can wait in the hall… it will just take a few minutes."

Out in the hall Espo speaks up, "Fine Beckett. Stay. We have work to do and even you are better than him waking up alone. But listen to me," he leans in with a fierce look, "the second he wakes up, and he wants you gone, you leave. You respect him, or I will arrest you. Got it?"

"Yes" she whispered in response.

With that the boys turned to leave. Kate leaned back against the wall and slowly slid down to a sitting position. She had her head in her hands, taking deep breaths. They are so angry with her. She knew Espo was capable of such anger, but Ryan is almost worse than Espo.

After leaving the hospital, the boys headed over to the morgue to talk with Lanie. They had been texting back and forth all morning, but they really needed to talk it out between them. It was obvious that everyone was upset with not only the shooting, but the return of Beckett. They needed a game plan, and a good ole fashion rant session.

"Hey guys. How's Castle doin?" Lanie spoke as she saw them enter her morgue.

"He looks… quiet. Even in the last few months I've never seen him so still, and not Castle. Beckett says he should be waking up some time tonight or tomorrow morning. They won't know more until he is more responsive," Ryan relayed.

"If he doesn't… I just… Ugh! Why the hell didn't he call one of us man? We would've backed him up!" shouted Esposito. His guilt over the shooting was eating him alive.

"Honey, this not your fault. It happened, we know who it was, and we will make him pay. Castle is strong. He will be ok, you'll see." Laney knew that Espo wasn't dealing well with the shooting. The more anger he showed, the more he was actually hurting. They may not be together at the moment, but the need to comfort him was still there. She walked over to him and hugged him.

"Javi, he is going to be ok. You saved his life," she whispered in his ear. She hugged him just a little tighter to prove her point.

"Um, guys," Ryan said, "What are we going to do about Beckett?"

This was the question on all of their minds. They all felt some level of hurt and betrayal from her departure. Mix in their loyalty and protectiveness for Castle and they were pissed as hell. However, they also knew that, despite her selfish, idiotic decision, Castle would probably want her there. He might need the strength she could offer him.

Lanie finally spoke, "I don't want to say it, but I think she needs to stay, for at least the first 24 hours. When Castle is awake and can decide one way or another, then we will follow his lead. She broke my trust, and she is going to have to bust her ass to get me to forgive her. But kicking her out now won't work. It's not worth the fight."

"I can't look at her without getting mad," replied Espo, "but I think you are right."

"Same here."

"Alright, then that is our plan. How is the investigation going…"

**To Be Continued**


	10. Fighting Darkness

It was now a little after 9 pm. Kate returned to Castle's bedside shortly after the boys left and has hardly left his side since. She has held his hand and kept a vigilant eye on any movement he had. The hours had passed quickly as she was lost in her thoughts. It was growing increasingly difficult to continue to wait for him to wake up. Too bad life didn't have a rewind or fast forward button. She would rewind the last 4 months, completely redo all the decisions she made. She would also really love to fast forward through the waiting.

The nurse had come in a few times to make sure he was still doing ok. Every time she left, Kate would send a text to the team to keep them updated on his progress. She even sent it to Alexis and Martha on the off-chance they had cell service. The nurses had taken pity on Kate, and brought her in some cafeteria food. Food was the furthest thing on her mind, but she knew she needed to keep her strength up if she was going to be of any use to Castle.

Just then she felt his hand grasp hers. Her eyes flicked down to wear their hands were joined. It seemed that his hold on her hand was more than just a muscle twitch. Castle was waking up!

"Castle? Rick, can you hear me? It's ok to wake up now, Rick. You are safe and you are going to be ok. Rick, I want to see those blue eyes of yours, so it's time to wake up."

"I don't know if you are ready to see me, and I know you are going to be upset with me, but I am ok with that if you can just wake up for me. I'll even let you use my gun or handcuffs on me. Come on, Rick. You can do it, Castle. You are stronger than anyone I know."

Kate continued to mutter encouragements and pleas to keep him close. It was apparent that he wasn't quite ready to wake up, but she felt it was important for him to know she was there. More importantly, that he wasn't alone.

"Rick… I love you. So much."

Castle felt like his body had been lost under the pressure of something dark, heavy, on his body. No matter how hard he tried he could not get the cloud of confusion to lift. His world was dark, and he could feel a dull pain somewhere. It was too difficult to figure out the exact location of the pain. If only he could figure out where he was, then maybe he could save himself.

He wished he had someone to tell him what to do. Talk him through this situation. It seemed every other time in his life when he was in mortal danger he had… Kate… next to him. Through bombs, tigers, freezers, trained killers, and cars accidents he always had her to protect him. He felt utterly alone in this hell he has found himself in now.

His family must miss him, where ever they might be right now. He can't remember much about that but he knows enough they would be worried. His team would probably be able to help him too. If they know he is missing. Is he missing? This confusion was almost more than he can handle.

Wait.

Is that…Kate?

He can barely make out a voice. No, Kate isn't here anymore. She left. The voice seemed like it was getting closer and closer. If he could just… find the voice in the darkness then he knew he would be ok.

Then he could feel a pressure in his hand. He tried to look down to see what it could be but it was still too dark to see anything. The pressure too great to even shift to find the object resting there. With every ounce of strength he could muster, Castle grasped the object. It felt like a hand. A hand? Is someone else down here with me? The hand in his held on tighter. Maybe he wasn't so alone.

Castle lost his thoughts again for a moment. Drifting off to a place of unconsciousness. It felt peaceful, and definitely less scary than that darkness. He wanted to stay away from that place as long as possible, but his curiosity to find the voice he heard gave him the strength to fight. He needed to find that voice again. He knew that the voice would lead him home, to his loved ones.

There! He could hear murmurings. It was most definitely a female voice. Of course his self-conscience had recently switched from his voice to _hers_ so maybe he was just hearing voices in his head. Is this how crazy feels? Creepy.

He felt stronger and stronger as the voice grew closer. Castle also determined that the voice was in fact that of his ex-girlfriend, Kate Beckett. How did he know? He woke just in time to hear her say…

"Rick… I love you. So much."

"Kate," he whispered. That was all the strength he had left.

Beckett whipped her eyes up to his. He was awake! He was awake and looking at her! He called her name! She hadn't felt such joy in… well… ever.

"Oh, Rick. I'm so glad you are awake! I was so scared. I need to call the nurse…" she jabbered.

"Kate. What are you doing here?"

"Rick, you were shot. Do you remember that? You are in the hospital."

He was silent as he tried to process what she had just said. Shot? Hospital? This was the worst prank he'd ever been a part of. Feeling this way and then having to look into her eyes… it was too much.

"Beckett. You need to go." Castle said and shifted his eyes away before they closed again.

"Kate? Did you need something?" the nurse asked while entering. Castle just fell back to sleep.

"He woke up. He recognized me and then fell back to sleep after I told him where he was." Kate said without emotion in her voice. She felt a cold shiver in her body after his words.

"Well that is just wonderful! Next time he wakes up we will need to do some testing. Call me as soon as he wakes again. It won't be long until you have your husband back!"

Oh, she felt like strangling this overly peppy nurse. She was making the pain even worse. So, all she could do was smile and nod at Nurse Obnoxious as she left the room.

"_Sorry, Castle. I'm not leaving you yet."_

**To Be Continued**


	11. Breaking through the Darkness Part 1

**Thanks to LiZZR for the chapter title idea. Enjoy!**

Though Castle fell almost immediately back to sleep, his thoughts did not. His dreams included Kate, guns, and pure fear. His writer's imagination had scenarios working the brief information he had into horrible tales.

It sort of felt like he had died and gone to hell.

His first dream took place back in the cemetery, the cemetery he buried the Captain in. The cemetery he almost lost Kate in. Instead, he was the one to get shot. His lower back hurt and he pictured Kate holding him in her lap. Begging. "Rick… stay with me Rick. I love you, Rick. So much." Then, he watched her walk away. She didn't actually stay to make sure he was ok. His heart hurt as much as the gunshot wound in his back.

The next dream took place on the infamous swing set. They were clearly arguing about something, the argument didn't seem to be important to him in the moment. What he did notice was that he seemed to be kneeling in front of Kate. His arm was outstretched with a diamond ring held in his hand. Kate was looking at him like he had lost his mind. "Marry me, Kate. I don't care about where you go. Just say yes. Please. Stay with me." "Sorry Castle, you aren't worth it. DC has more opportunities for me, and I don't need to bring my New York baggage along for the ride."

Dream number three seemed to be unsettlingly close to reality. He was walking alone in a forest, perhaps a park. He was searching for something. It felt like perhaps he was searching for Kate. Whatever it was held importance to him. He was walking alone. It was dark and eerily quiet. His destination was a group of bushes off in the distance. He could hear his name being called softly, "Castle. Castle, come here. You comin' Castle?" over and over again.

The closer he got to the bushes the more uneasy he felt. Like a lamb being lead to a slaughter.

After what seemed like an eternity of walking, Castle finally approached the mysterious talking bushes. Then, before he could process what was happening, Beckett shot up from behind a shrub and she held her gun out in front of her. Pointing directly at his heart.

"Kate. What are you doing? Please put the gun down. I get it, I won't touch your stuff anymore" he said in a strained chuckle.

Her cold stare and monotone voice scared him when she said, "I'm so tired of you. You have been nothing but annoying and hell on my nerves. This is the only way to keep you gone. For good."

"No, Kate. No, I'll leave. Just don't… please don't!"

"Castle, you never listen. You aren't worth it anymore. I'm leaving you. Goodbye."

And with that, she pulled the trigger. The bullet tore through his back and was immediately laying on the cold ground. He could feel the blood pulsing from the hole somewhere below his heart. He fell with his arms trapped underneath his body in a way that he couldn't reach for the phone in his pocket. He thought about calling out to Kate, thinking maybe this was all a bad joke. She would never hurt him. She would never leave him alone to slowly die. They were partners.

He laid there with tears running down his face. The cliché "my life flashed before my eyes" had begun. He remembered his mother, in all her flashy glory and in her times of motherly concern, and how much he idolized the woman. He truly loved her. He watched Alexis grow from the small, perfect infant in his arms to the beautiful, intelligent young woman she is today. She will forever be his greatest accomplishment. He hopes that she doesn't take his death too hard. She has too much to live for.

He also watched as his Kate loved and laughed with him. Through the good times and the bad times, they had been loyal partners. She had been it for him. To steal her phrase "one and done" wouldn't really work, because of his 2 previous wives. Yet, she was the only one he had loved so fully, so purely. He could truly be himself around her, and Kate accepted him. Faults and all. That was until she shot him. Why, Kate? What did I do wrong?!

Castle woke with a start, breathing heavy. His eyes were wild as they frantically took in the scene before him. He was no longer lying in a pool of his own blood, on the cold ground of a park after the love of his life shot him. Instead he was hooked up to an IV, in a sterile hospital room, with Kate's hand in his.

Kate. He quickly released her hand as if it was burning his palm. It must have been pretty late at night because she was currently sleeping. Her head was leaning against the bed, close to where their hands had been before he pulled away. She looked very uncomfortable and pained, both with the way she had her body contorted and the expression on her face. One thing he always loved about waking up before Kate in the past was the content, happy expression on her face as she slept. Her face is rarely so relaxed and open when she is awake. Now, though, her face reminded him of how she looks when she was working her mother's case. Terrified.

With the fog of his nightmares slowly leaving, he was able to think a little more clearly. He felt so clueless at the moment. He remembered her saying he had been shot and was in the hospital. The details of the shooting, why she was here, and how he was going to be physically was haunting him. He knew he needed to wake Beckett up to get the answers he sought, but he needed just a moment more to think alone.

How did he feel about Kate being here? He wasn't sure exactly how to feel. To be honest, it felt wonderful to know she was here. With him at his side. Almost like no time had passed since he had last seen her. He missed her fiercely. His thoughts constantly were with her and he ached with the knowledge that she chose her career over their love. Was she here for the night? Until his family returned? He couldn't go through her leaving him again. The bullet wound was far less painful than the broken heart he had grown accustom to living with. He also couldn't open his heart to her completely. He couldn't trust her.

Eventually, he realized making any decision without knowing the whole story would be pointless. However, he was going to keep his distance from Kate. No…Beckett. She wasn't his any longer so she was now Beckett. Yes, that should help. Hopefully.

"Beckett" he said while nudging her hand. "Beckett, wake up. I need to talk to you."

"Castle? Oh, Castle you're up!" She reached past his hand and pressed the nurse's call button. As much as she ached to be alone with him, talk with him, she needed to make sure he was going to be ok. "Castle, I know you have a thousand questions but the doctor needs to come in to check on you. Then we can talk. Ok?"

This nurturing side of Beckett was disconcerting. Never had she spoken so softly, almost motherly to him before. Ignoring his feelings might be more difficult than he thought. So, instead of answering her he just nodded his understanding.

Kate reached for his hand again. She craved the link between the two, as small as it was, but it helped to keep her grounded and her emotions in check. Castle, however, felt stifled by it. He immediately dropped her hand and turned his head away. The hurt on her face would break his nerve if he looked toward her now. He needed answers more than he needed to feel her hand in his.

"Mr. Castle! It's good to have you with us. You gave us all quite a scare for a while, but you will be just fine now. Has Detective Beckett told you about your injuries?"

"No, Agent Beckett has not. Maybe you could fill in why the hell I'm here?" Castle replied with more enthusiasm and charm than he felt. He was shocked at how normal he almost sounded.

Dr. Marshall spent the next 10 minutes discussing the condition Castle had been found in, the surgery, and what his recovery might look like. They were still waiting for the swelling to go down before they could check for any lasting damages. Though, for the moment, he had feeling in his legs and feet, which was a very good sign.

"Well, Mr. Castle, do you have any other questions for me before I insist you get some more rest?"

"It's Rick, and no. I think you answered all of them. Thank you for saving me. I owe you."

"Nonsense. Rest, you will need as much of it as possible. Night."

With that, he left the room and left Castle and Beckett alone.

"Rick I…"

"I'm going to sleep."

"Oh, ok. 'Night."

There was too much to think about for Castle to try to have this conversation with her tonight. Actually, he didn't want to have a conversation with her at all. He fell asleep right as he heard her soft sob.

**To Be Continued**


	12. Breaking through the Darkness Part 2

**This is sort of a Part Two from the last chapter. This chapter will again just be Castle and Beckett, and how they are going to deal with her return. Last chapter went long enough, and I didn't feel like he would physically be able to stay up for a round of fighting. So, to those who were concerned they'd make up too quickly… enjoy! It's going to get worse before it can get better.**

After a few hours of drug induced sleep for Castle, intermittent naps for Kate, they both found themselves awake in the early morning. A nurse had come in to check on Castle, help him shift, and change the bandages at the wound site. The pain was excruciating despite the good meds they had pumping through his veins. There was absolutely no way he would be able to sleep at this point.

Kate was anxious to talk with Castle. She had studied him while he had slept. She wanted to respect his earlier request for her to leave, but she 1. Promised Martha he wouldn't be alone until she returned and 2. She wanted to selfishly stay with him for as long as she could. So, she purposely ignored his request and knew the time for the "discussion" would happen soon.

They were both wide awake. Castle from the pain, and Kate from her thoughts. Neither one wanted to break the quiet that had settled in the room once the nurse left. It felt like the calm before the storm. The longer it was ignored, pushed away, the longer they wouldn't have the inevitable fight. It wasn't going to be pretty, but it was guaranteed to be painful. For both of them.

She decided to give in first. "Rick, how are you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine" he replied. It was clear his thoughts were still off in whatever recess of his brain they had traveled to. The drugs didn't help with his ability to regain his focus as quickly as he normally would.

"Fine… you sound like me, Castle" she tried to joke. "I know how it feels to get shot. I will leave you alone if you'd like, but I also know that it is so far from fine."

"Why do you care, Beckett? You left 4 months ago and I don't expect your pity right now. Thanks for showing up, but I don't need your help." Why won't she just stop making this worse? He can't look at her anymore.

"I'm not leaving." Kate spoke with a lot more strength then she actually had. Her heart broke even more… if that was even possible.

"You don't get a choice! Actually, Beckett" he spit out "you had a choice. It was a simple yes or no question. You decided it was a no and then moved the hell away from me. So, no you don't get to tell me what to do anymore."

"Rick, I promised your mother when I had to call and tell her that her son was shot and in the hospital that I wouldn't leave his side until she could be here with you. I am going to keep that promise to her and to your daughter."

They sat there glaring at each other, neither knowing what to say next in this stand-off. She realized that she shouldn't push him, especially if she hopes to earn his trust back, but she really didn't want to break her word to Martha. Yup, she is going to continue to use the promise to keep herself there. Selfish as always. Castle knew that Kate would keep this promise to his mother. She had always respected his family, and despite the end of their partnership, he knew she would always protect and respect them.

"Fine," he eventually says. "You can stay, but I have rules. You don't get to talk to me about leaving, or DC, or how sorry you are. I can't deal with it right now. I don't want you to touch me, and I really just want to be left alone. Can you respect that?"

"Ya, yes… that sounds good Rick" she responded to eagerly. "Thank you."

"I do need you to do two things for me. " He waited for her to respond, and with her short head nod he continued. "First, can you tell me who the hell shot me?"

She knew that sometimes, in traumatic instances, that the brain chooses to block the memories. Her brain, well… hers held on to every single second. He seemed to generally not remember anything from the past 24 hours. Luckily she had the information he was asking her for. She related the story, from the beginning, up until the point Esposito knew. It was unclear why Castle had decided to go to the park without back up. (It seemed oddly refreshing, and cute, that she now thought of cases as stories, not cases.)

Castle had begun to remember the case once Beckett started to go over the details. It was interesting to hear the case from her perspective again, and he briefly wondered who had filled her in on the specifics. It sounded detached and clinical, which he could now appreciate. Before he liked to spice up the story, embellish it. When it's your own case… well, it isn't so fun anymore. When Kate reached the part in the park he could feel her hesitation in relating the rest of the story, and he felt himself wince for what came next. She quickly spoke of the details of the shooting and how he was discovered.

"Castle, why didn't you call someone to go with you? It's not like you to go into a crime scene without back-up anymore" she finally asked.

He looked at her with such a cold stare it took her back. She almost didn't hear him say, "I don't have a partner to call anymore."

Shit.

The room filled with tense silence once again. He wasn't going to feel bad for hurting her, because he _knew_ he hurt her with his words. It wasn't his job to sugar coat the truth anymore. She doesn't deserve it.

"You um, had another request…" she said with a shaky voice after she recovered.

"Right… can you hand me my cell phone and give me a few minutes alone."

"Oh… ya, sure. I'm just gonna… go find some coffee. Would you… like anything?" There was a time when all personal and professional calls could be made with each other in ear shot. No secrets. Those times were clearly over. Another reality slap to the face for Kate Beckett.

"I'm fine, Beckett." _Leave._

She looked into his eyes for a moment when she handed him his phone. His eyes are always so expressive and open to her. She forgot how easily it was for her to read him, just from his eyes. All she could see right now was hurt, anger, and a coldness she had never experienced from him. With a quick nod, Kate left the room.

Castle let out a long sigh. He was just so pissed with ever thing that was happening. He felt his control slipping and felt like he was going to crash and burn. He felt humiliated and angry that he was stupid enough to return to a crime scene alone, pissed beyond belief that he was in the hospital and potentially crippled, and freaking out that Kate Beckett was at his side. He was NOT having a good week. At all.

He didn't actually feel like talking to any one at the moment. Although he did need to contact the team to let them know he was ok, and get an update on their suspect. He decided a text to the boys was just as good as a phone call. He also texted Lanie a quick "I'm fine, don't worry about me, but I'd love it if you'd tell me what the hell to think about my current roommate situation."

He held his phone in his hand as his eyes began to grow heavy again. He hated that he couldn't control his constant tiredness and the way the drugs made him feel. Perhaps he should just close his eyes for just a minute…

**To Be Continued **

**(Side Note: Reviews are very appreciated. Haha)**


	13. Parental Guidance

The next time Castle woke up was to his mother stroking his hair. She had tears in her eyes and a look he was unfamiliar with. He could easily identify the love reflecting there, but it was overshadowed by… fear? That is what it was. Fear. As a parent, he could easily identify with the gut-wrenching fear of finding out your child was in danger, no matter their age. After all, he had gone rogue in Europe to recover his daughter this year. Yup, he totally understands the look in her eyes now.

"Oh, Richard…" she whispered, "You didn't need to go and get yourself shot. You could've been less dramatic and called to tell me you missed me. Always trying to show off I see." Her voice grew stronger and she tried to joke away the intense emotions she felt.

Being able to see him, touch him, helped relieve the ache deep within her heart. She had felt panicked and out of control since the phone call with Kate the day before. It had been just about 24 hours since she received the terrible news, and she felt 10 years older in that short amount of time. She loved her son more than anything in the world and it felt wonderful to be with him now.

"Yes, well Mother, if I had decided to be as dramatic as you I would've gotten myself killed!" he smirked.

The smile immediately fell from her face. "Don't you dare joke about that, Richard. It isn't funny."

Oops. Too soon. Ok, maybe that wasn't such a good joke. "I blame the drugs, Mother. Sorry. So, how did you get back here so quickly? I am… um… glad to see you."

"Kathryn actually helped me a lot. She arranged for the flight and everything."

Castle didn't respond to this information. It was nice that she was so helpful and considerate to his mom, but that wasn't going to change his mind about her. Speaking of…

"Where is _she?_" he asked.

"I asked her to let me have some time with my son. She said something about going to her dad's to shower and change. I think she is planning on returning in an hour or so."

"I don't want her here," he spoke in a low tone. Martha wasn't shocked by the statement, but by the lack of emotion behind his words. She was curious if the sudden reappearance of the Detective would be welcomed or if he would hold on to the anger and hurt. She wouldn't blame him for either reaction. She wasn't too thrilled with the girl at the moment, but she would go off of her son's decision. However, her feelings on the matter took the back burner right now. She cared far more about her son's health than the unhealthy relationship problems between her son and his muse.

"That's fine, Richard." She paused, "How are you, son?"

"I'm fine, mom. I don't really feel too much pain at the moment. Just uncomfortable and can't move. How are you?"

"Oh, kiddo. I was so terrified." Martha knows that they usually joke their way through emotional issues, but she just didn't have it in her right now. When Alexis gets here she will return to her bright demeanor, but right now, she needed to be the concerned mother.

"I'm ok, Mom. Really." He could tell that she was barely holding it together. She was going to need reassurance and time to heal this wound he caused her. It truly was almost worse to be the one waiting, than the one hurt. Although, once physical therapy starts and the drugs wear off he might feel differently. He would play the good son for his mom if that is what she needs right now.

"It's not okay, Richard! What were you thinking going in to that situation without any back up?! I know you fancy yourself unstoppable, but did you not think of me, of Alexis?"

"Of course I think of my daughter! I think about her every time I step into a crime scene. Mother, I realize you are upset, but please don't lecture me right now. I know how stupid I was. Nothing you can say will be worse than what I've already said to myself a million times. I was an idiot and selfish for going in to that crime scene alone, and I promise it won't happen again."

His anger was barely in check and he was worried that at any moment it would be more than he can control. Martha didn't deserve the anger he currently was feeling. Castle looked at his mom, really looked at her, and realized her anger was another mask of that parental fear.

"Mother. Look at me. I am here. I'm not going anywhere. You've still got years left to bleed me dry of my hard earned money." Maybe he can joke her out of this mood. Help return things to how they usually are.

"I already know that I get half of everything you own when you die, kiddo. It would be easier, actually, if you weren't around to spend your money. Less work for sure." She could joke too.

"Hey! You said I wasn't allowed to joke about that!" He replied half-heartedly.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic, Richard." Her smile was genuine after this little exchange. She felt better that her son was going to be ok.

"Mom? I'm really glad you're here." He felt better already.

"There is no where I'd rather be." She whispered as she leaned in to hold him.

"Katie?"

"Hey, dad. Can I come in?"

"Oh! Sure, yeah, come on in." Jim Beckett opened the door and quickly ushered his daughter in. Once the door was shut, he turned to her and grabbed her. They generally weren't big into physical displays of their love. Occasionally they will grab each other's hand, a quick hug, or even a kiss on the check or head. This hug was so much more than that. Jim knew his daughter so well, and with one look at her he could tell she was barely holding it together.

"Daddy…" her voice broke. She missed this, her dad, so much. They spoke on the phone just as often as they had when she lived in New York. In fact, she thinks they probably talk more now they ever had before. She was very reluctant to befriend her co-workers in DC. Her friends here weren't speaking to her anymore. So, her relationship with her father grew and became strong. In fact, that is one regret Kate does not have about her DC move. However, being able to see and hold her dad was something she didn't realize she had missed so much.

Kate cried into Jim's shoulder for a good ten minutes. She was holding on to him like he might disappear on her. Jim returned the embrace with the same amount of rigor. She needed a physical lifeline, and he was so happy that she turned to him for this support. After the loss of his wife and his addiction to alcohol, Katie hadn't ever been able to truly trust him with her heart. She loved so deeply, but once she was burned she would retreat. This was the first time since he had been sober that she sought him out as a comforter.

"Katie, can you tell me what happened? Why are you in New York?" he finally asked when her tears seemed to slow.

Kate pulled away from her dad's arms. She hadn't felt so comfortable and safe in his arms in years and it was so great to have his support right now. However, the explanation he was seeking needed to be done without his arms around her. She was a coward, and hiding behind his embrace would feel like the last straw. Kate was determined to take responsibility for actions.

Jim led Kate over to the sofa and sat down. She told him everything that had happened in the past 30 hours. She didn't leave out a single detail, even when it hurt to retell the information. It took her over 30 minutes to tell Jim. Sometimes it would be so difficult to get her emotions under control that she had to pause for several minutes. It felt oddly cleansing to confess to her father her actions and emotional reactions to the events. She knew no matter what she said that her dad would still love her. Her only ally.

"Well, Katie," Jim finally spoke, "It sounds like you have some decisions to make. I asked you a few months ago what was important to you. You decided the job opportunity was more important than your personal life. That decision was yours to make, and you did what you had to to make it work. Now, I'm asking you again. What is more important to you?"

Without hesitation Kate said, "Rick. I want Rick."

"Then go get him, Katie."

"It isn't that easy, Dad. What am I going to do about my job? My friends hate me. Castle can barely look at me. When Alexis gets here she is going to kick me out if Castle hasn't already done it. Dad, this mess… I don't think I can fix it. I screwed up too much."

"Then give up. Go back to DC and forget about your friends and Rick."

"No! I won't give up! I love him too damn much to go out without a fight." She nearly yelled at her dad.

Smiling, Jim Beckett looked at his daughter and said, "Then do it. You know what you have to do. I think you might even have the determination it will take to accomplish this. You do need to know it won't be easy. You will have to fight. This could possibly be the hardest trial you've had to face, but if he is worth it to you then you need to be strong. Own up to your mistakes, and show your friends that you mean it. I can't guarantee they will accept your apology, and I can't guarantee it will happen quickly. Katie, you are strong. It's time to show your heart to those you've hurt and be the person to them that I know you can be."

"I love you, Daddy" and then she launched into her father's arms. She needed a game plan. She worked better when she had a goal and plan to achieve it. Sitting in her father's arms helped her gather the strength she would need for the next battle.

"I love you too, Katie Bug."

**To Be Continued**


	14. Battlegrounds

**I am going out of town Wednesday through Sunday for some much needed beach time. So, I will try to write a few good chapters before I leave. Thanks for all of the continued support, both follows and reviews. I love the support and it keeps me writing. :)**

Kate returned to the hospital almost an hour after her talk with her dad. She felt better, stronger, and her resolve that was starting to slip had been solidified. The head-strong, always knows what she wants Beckett had died 4 months. She was self-conscious and unsure the majority of the time now, and she needed that extra confidence boost that only a father can give his kid.

When she got to the room she could see that Martha and Castle still needed some time alone. Martha was hunched over the bed, one hand in his and one in his hear. She had never seen Martha look so motherly. It was cute to see that even the man that Castle is needed his mom. If it wasn't so sweet she would want to tease him about it. Instead, she took a seat in the chair outside his room.

Just then, she got a text from Espo.

"We got Thomas. Found him about 20 minutes ago. Taking him to the box now. Tell Castle?"

This was great news! She wanted to call him, ask for the details and their plan, but it wasn't her place and he was probably pretty busy getting ready for the interrogation. Kate was just happy to be told what was going on. It truly shocked her. Maybe repairing this friendship would be just a little easier than she originally thought. Time will tell.

"Thanks Espo. I'll tell Castle now. Good luck in there. "

She knocked on the open door before she walked in.

"Castle? I just heard from the boys. Can I come in?"

Castle nodded she could enter, but Martha spoke for the both of them. "Come in, dear." When Kate was closer she leaned in to stage whisper, "Thank you for helping me get home. Richard here was lost without me. No matter how old he gets, he just needs his mother."

"Exactly. How I managed for this long is beyond me" he deadpans with a smirk that Kate just loves. Very few people get to see the real Rick Castle, and it was a comfort that he was still letting her see that side of him. Conscious of it or not, she will take it.

"Kathryn, you said you had news from the Detectives?"

"Oh, ya, Espo texted me." She turned her eyes to Castle's, it felt weird to discuss his case without looking at him. "They found Seth Thomas about 20 minutes ago. He is headed to the 12th now. Espo and Ryan are prepping for it now."

A collective sigh escaped the Rodger-Castle clan. It was reassuring to know the man was off the street and could no longer hurt anyone else. As irrational as it sounds, Castle also felt a little safer as well. He didn't realize how jumpy he had been about it until the relief set in. The case would hopefully be wrapped up, and settled before he had to leave the hospital.

"That's wonderful to hear! Thank the boys for me when you talk to them next. Tell them I already kicked Richard's ass for going into the park without back up too. No need for them to come do it later too." Martha replied.

With a chuckle, Kate replied, "Of course, Martha. "

Now that she had relayed the information to Castle, Kate felt incredibly awkward in the room. She wanted to stay, sit by him, but she wasn't sure if they needed more alone time. She was also fairly certain Rick didn't want her there at all. She had been allowed to stay solely because of her promise to Martha.

"Agent Beckett? You can leave now." Castle finally spoke to her since entering the room.

"It's Kate."

"I don't care what you call yourself, but you don't need to be here anymore."

"Rick… please. Can we talk about this?"

"There is nothing to talk about! Turn around and walk out of this room. I know you know how to do that quite well, Beckett." His thin grip on his anger was starting to slip, and he didn't feel bad for unleashing it on her.

Without breaking eye contact with Castle, Kate spoke to his mom, "Martha, do you mind if i have a moment alone with him?"

Martha hesitated to answer. She could tell that they needed to talk, but she could also see her son's eyes. He didn't want to be left alone with her.

"Fine, I am going to grab a tea. I'll be back quickly." She nodded to Richard, squeezed his hand in reassurance, and left the two.

"Beckett, you don't get a say in this. Not anymore. "

"Rick, you can kick me out. You can yell at me. You can tell me that you hate me and that I am a major screw up. But I am going to fight for you. I want you. I love you. So, you can kick me out of your room, but I won't leave."

"You want me? You love me? That is bull shit, Beckett!" It strained his back to yell like this, but man it felt good in his heart. "You have a terrible way of showing this so called "love" you have for me. I would hate to see what it is like if you hate someone."

"I'm not giving up."

"You have nothing to fight for! You said no, you took the DC job, and you left. What we had, as inconsequential as was, is dead now. You can't fight for something you never had. It took me a while to realize it, but we were only fooling ourselves."

Kate shot back, "Inconsequential? Now who is bull shitting, Rick? I have 3 novels that prove otherwise. We had months of a relationship to prove otherwise. Don't belittle what we had. I can remind you of every time you told me you loved me in the last 4 years of our partnership."

"No. You don't get to tell me what to do or how I feel. You lost that right."

"You're right," she sighed, "I lost that right. I lost it, but I am going to fight like hell to recover what I lost. It is worth fighting for. You carried us for the first 4 years, it's my turn now."

"Ha! That's real cute, Kate. It's worth it? You have all the right words, but when it comes down to it your actions are screaming louder than anything you can say right now!" He was surprised a nurse hadn't come in to check on them yet. He was yelling pretty loudly.

"I quit my job." She whispered it. He had to strain to hear the confession.

"What?" No, she didn't say that she…

"I quit my job. I went to see my dad for a while. I realized on the drive back that I had to be able to show you I am serious." She took a step closer, within reach of his hand. Oh, she wishes she could grab it. "I know we've been here, done that. I quit once before, came to you and told you 'I want you, just you.' I meant it then and I mean it now. I am here. I want you. I love you."

To say he was shocked by the turn of the conversation would be an understatement. He knew that she was trying to get him back, but he thought it was more of a "I want what I can't have anymore" mixed with a "he was shot and I need to reaffirm that he is ok" situation. He had already concluded months ago that she never truly loved him. She loved the idea of them. She was in lust with him. But no way would you leave the man you claim to love, turn down a proposal, for a damn job.

"You don't love me, Beckett. You don't know how to love."

Low blow.

Kate was too shocked by that statement to realize Martha had finally returned with her cup of tea. She was standing there, barely holding in her emotion, when she felt a touch on her arm. She whipped her head over to see a concerned Martha.

"Kathryn, why don't you call it a day, dear? Richard needs to rest before Alexis gets in. Thank you again for staying with him until I could get here. You don't know how much that helped to know he wasn't alone."

It took her a moment to respond because her mind was still reeling from her conversation with Castle. Finally she said, "It was no trouble at all. Glad to help out." She turned to Castle, risked a brush against his fisted hand.

"I'm not leaving. I want you. I love you. If you want to talk, I'll be in the hall."

Kate turned to leave with her head up, shoulders squared. He didn't need to see that she was actually shattering with every step.

Castle watched her retreat, turn outside of the door, and sit in either a chair or the ground, he wasn't sure. A small part of him wants to call her back in and apologize for his last comment. He knew where the kill shot was with her emotions. He knew her better than he knew himself. So, he used the knowledge against her. He wasn't willing to back down yet, so he kept his mouth shut. Martha was back at his side, caressing his arm, and he was falling back to sleep.

**To Be Continued**


	15. Fear Best Served Cold

Several hours passed uneventfully. Castle slept, Martha watched, and Kate sat outside the room. Eventually around lunch time, Kate stuck her head into the room to ask if Martha would like some lunch. Kate wasn't all that hungry, but at least this gave her something to do. She was feeling restless and useless, two things she hated to feel. So, she ran to a local deli around the corner from the hospital that had good food. She had spent enough time in the hospital to know where the closest edible food was.

She grabbed food for both her and Martha, and something she knew Castle could enjoy and be able to eat. He wasn't necessarily a picky eater, but he whined a lot less when he got to eat what he wanted. Hopefully this would make him a little happier.

When she turned the corner into his room he was gone. _No!_

The bed, Martha, Castle… all gone. She went into panic mode instantly. She had to find him, make sure he was ok. She knew she shouldn't have ever left his side. What if something happened to him? What if there was a 2nd shooter that came after him? Did he get transferred on purpose so she couldn't find him anymore? With every second that passed it became increasingly more difficult for Kate to breathe or think properly. She crumpled against the wall. Shaking in the fear of never seeing him again. She sat there for what seemed like hours.

"Beckett? What are you doing here?"

Castle? Castle! She looked at him at him for a long second, then shifted her eyes to the head of the bed. She quickly picked herself up in time to see a nurse was pushing his hospital bed back in to the room. Her eyes trained back on him, searching to see if anything had gone wrong. At first glance he appeared to be ok. The tightness in her chest lessened slightly. Wow.

"_Way to freak out over nothing, Kate." _Apparently her conscience still sounded like Castle, even when she was in the same room with him. Awesome.

"Earth to Beckett. What are you doing in here?"

"Oh… I…" _breathe Beckett, "_I was um… I ugh… Where did you go?" She managed to squeak out. She couldn't fully wrap her head around anything until she was certain he was ok.

"Not that it's really any concern to you, but the doc scheduled me for some scans. To see if there would be any lasting damage. What are you doing here? Why do you look so… freaked?"

"I brought lunch." Yes, keep the sentences simple so as not to look any more ridiculous than I already do.

"Oh. Well, thanks. Mother stepped out to make a phone call to Alexis. Make sure she is still doing ok. "

"That's good. Well, here is your food. I made sure to bring something you would actually like and that has the doctor's ok. I remember it took me a week to find soft, tasty food when I was in here last."

"Thanks." He wasn't sure what else to say. He was hungry and glad she brought food. However, Castle was still trying to figure out why Kate was shaking and looking so scared. Maybe it had to do with his case? He needed to know if something wasn't going right with the case, even if it was bad. He hated being left in the dark. It was pretty obvious that Kate… Beckett… was being elusive.

"Beckett, what is going on? Why were you crouched into a ball when I got back? I can still see that you are freaked out. Is it the case? Tell me, I don't want you to keep things from me."

"No, I haven't heard back from the boys yet. I wouldn't keep that info from you." She replied conveniently avoiding the first part of his question. Wait. Why is she avoiding this? If she wants him back, and she has to prove it to him, what better way than sharing her emotions with him. This was always a point of contention in their relationship. She clammed up, wouldn't talk. He wanted more. Well, if she was going to be better, this was the next step to take.

Kate breathed in, preparing to share something important. "Castle, when I got back with lunch and you weren't here… I freaked. Full on panic attack. I was worried I let you down again and you got hurt. Or that you transferred away so I couldn't find you…" her voice trailed off. She didn't need to continue because she is sure he could fill in the blanks.

"I don't get it." Castle replied.

"You don't get what…?" What is so difficult to understand? I overreacted because I am terrified he will leave me.

"I just don't get why you care so much. I don't get why you won't leave. It doesn't make sense."

"It's funny," Kate chuckled dryly, "for so many years I was the one telling you to leave. The rolls have reversed, and I finally get why you wouldn't ever go. It's frustrating as hell though right?"

"I am not joking, Beckett." Castle was beginning to lose his patience again. He needed time, and a lot of space. Why couldn't she just… go.

With a sigh, Kate decided to go all in with her explanation. "I care because I love you. I care because I failed you when you needed me. I care because I said no, but I didn't mean it. I won't leave because I love you. I won't leave because I'm done running. I won't leave because there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Even when it's the last place you want me to be. I just… I love you."

"Love can't conquer all. It's a fairy tale that once you find love, life will be lived happily ever after. Fairy tales aren't real. Even if you love me, Kate, it isn't enough."

"Then tell me what you want me to do. Don't just tell me to leave, because I won't go. I can't go. Not after the little scene I threw a few minutes ago." Kate was running out of ideas. She hadn't known Castle when he was so defeated like he is right now. She normally could read him so well, but the way he was acting was so foreign to her. She was basically going in blind.

"It doesn't matter what you do, or what you say. I've made my decision to move on and I would like for you to respect that. Just… go home. Wherever that may be to you, and give me some space. I'll have Mother or Alexis update you if anything changes."

"Rick, you are my home." She knew she was getting way too cheesy, and clingy. "I'll stay out in the hall, but I won't leave." She doesn't care.

"Katherine, Richard. I see we have lunch waiting for us. Thanks again for getting us something other than hospital food."

"You're welcome, Martha. I'll be outside if you need me." Kate grabbed her bag of food and retreated to the hall once again.

Martha followed her out. "Kathrine? I don't know what your game plan is here. I am pretty sure it involves getting my son back. I just need you to know… When you left you nearly destroyed him. You rocked his very foundation, and that won't be easy to repair. I will respect Richard's privacy and keep the details to myself, but I want to make one thing very clear. I cannot watch my son go through hell again. Not from your actions. If you can fully commit to him, and you know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the one for you then so be it. But if you are here out of a misguided need to protect him or because you think he needs you, then get the hell away from here. He deserves better than the way you've treated him."

Kate's head was held high, despite the emotional toll the conversation with Martha was putting on her. She needed Martha to see the resolution and determination in her eyes when she replied.

"I love your son. I have made mistakes, and I intend to fix them. He deserves so much more than I can give him, but if he will give me the rest of our lives to deserve his love then so be it. I am not going anywhere, Martha. He is it for me."

Martha nodded her head. There was nothing really left to say between the two ladies. So, Martha returned to the room to eat. Kate stared at her plate. No amount of food would fix the emptiness she felt inside.

**To Be Continued**


	16. Returned

**I'm back! Thanks for the reviews and follows while I was away. I don't think I will have time to respond to each of you, but thanks for the support, the comments, and for sticking around. To the few of you out there, I don't hate Beckett at all. I really love the character, but it can't be rainbows and butterflies right now. She has to work her out of the mess she made, in my universe, and it won't/can't be done quickly. Anyways, enjoy!**

A few hours passed uneventfully. She heard Castle and Martha talking for a while after they finished their lunch. Then it got quite… Castle needed as much rest as possible. She remembered how terrible it felt to always be stuck in the dream world though. Staying awake for more than a few hours at a time was pushing it, but she would always try to stretch it out a little longer. She would replay the shooting, the pain, the look in his eyes, the "I love you, Kate" over and over again. It was always slightly different each time, but just as real and terrifying as the previous ones. Plus, all the pain meds only amplified the dreams and emotions.

She wonders how Castle is doing. She was lucky to have him there with her when she thought her life was ending. Even if her love for Castle was still so foreign to her, masked, she knew enough that he was the one she'd want to see before it all ended. He made her feel safe and loved when the world around her was cold and deadly. Oh, Castle. He was so alone out there, for so long. She hopes he passed out from blood loss or shock so he didn't have to remember the hours out there in the park.

He is going to need to see someone as soon as he gets out of here. If she can't be the one to bring it up to him, then she will need to remember to tell Martha or Lanie. From personal experience, Kate learned that putting in the time with a shrink is effective. It's hard and uncomfortable, but with Dr. Burke's help she has become a more centered person. Speaking of… maybe she should revisit Dr. Burke sometime soon. She was smart enough now to realize when she starts to get out of control that she needed to see him. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to see that Kate was starting to lose the little control she had left.

She heard a noise coming from Castle's room which broke her train of thought. She turned to see Martha heading out of the room.

"Katherine, dear, I need to take a break for a few minutes. Would you mind watching Richard for me?"

"Of course, take all the time you need."

"Thanks, I'll just be a few minutes."

So here, next to his bed, Kate finds herself once again. Staring at his face like she has seen him do thousands of times to her. Castle was always moving so much that it was hard to ever get a chance to stare at him. Plus, she couldn't let him know that she was admiring him. She would NEVER hear the end of it from him. So, when she would wake up before him on days they didn't have to go in to the precinct, she would lay awake memorizing all of the features on his face. She loved that quite time she had with him. Just looking at his ruggedly handsome features. It made her weak to think about how much she loved looking at him.

Now? Now she would let him see her starring, and she would even tell him what she was doing. Now she would gladly take the endless teasing from him. Now she just wishes she was allowed to be in the room for more than a 10 minute period between Martha's bathroom breaks.

As Kate is starring at his face, she could see his expression twist from peaceful to painful. She has seen this look before. This was his nightmare face. Guess she was right to assume his dreams were just as unpleasant as hers had been. Luckily, she had spent so many nights with Castle that she knew how to calm him from the fears he saw in his nightmares. Unlike her, he actually did better when he stayed asleep. Soothing him with her whispers and a light caress usually worked best for him. He needed to have the comfort in reality, physically reassured, but also needed to work the dream out in his head before he could wake up. She was the opposite. She needed to wake up immediately before it got worse.

As Kate is rubbing Castle's arm and leaning over the bed to whisper in his ear she heard a noise at the door. She looked towards the door, assuming it was Martha, to tell her about the nightmares and how to help him through it. Instead, she was met with a red- haired teenager. Alexis Castle did not look happy.

"Stop. Please, you need to stop and leave before he wakes up."

Alexis was shocked to see Kate and her dad so close when she arrived. She thought for sure Kate would've been tossed out long before she got there. If she hadn't been tossed out, then she was banking on her needing to leave to get back to work. Either way, she was not expecting Kate Beckett. She was definitely not expecting Kate Beckett to be so close to her father.

Kate replied quietly, "He was having a nightmare. Martha had to step out for a minute and asked me to come in until she got back. This isn't what it looks like."

"What the hell is it then, Agent Beckett?"

"It's just Kate, and I told you already. He was having a nightmare."

"Then wake him up! Don't just touch him when he isn't awake to fight you off. Why are you even here?"

"This the best way to help him when he has a nightmare. He told me that once. I won't leave, Alexis. I've already told your dad, your Gram, and the team. I am not running anymore. I'm here to fight for my relationship with your dad. I love him."

"Agent Beckett, I can't fight with you right now. I just need to be with my dad. When he wakes up, and if he asks you to leave I want you to go. Please. I've lost a part of my Dad because of you, and it's not fair for you to keep showing up like this. Don't you see what you have done?"

"I am well aware of the fact that I have ruined the best thing that has happened to me. I am aware of the fact that I left your father alone, and that because of my stupidity he is lying in a hospital bed from a gunshot wound. I take responsibility for it, and I want a chance to fix it."

"You don't get it. You can't fix this! It's done and over with. You being here doesn't help anyone besides yourself. You break things, Agent. You don't fix things. I can't lose any more of my dad to you."

"Beckett?" Castle murmured, "would you please step out of the room so I can see my daughter now? Thank you."

"Sure. Do you need anything?"

"Just Alexis" he replied.

"Ok. I'll be in the hall if you need anything at all. You too, Alexis. Anything. I love you." Kate decided earlier in the day she was going to work in an "I love you" into every conversation she has with Rick. She is going to repeat it and repeat it until he hopefully believes it. Showing him that she loves him has proven more difficult. She doesn't have much time with him, and the one request he's asked has been the one she can't obey. She won't leave. Not until all hope is lost.

"Daddy," Alexis whispered once Kate had left the room and closed the door.

"Alexis, I'm ok sweetheart. Come here?"

Alexis slowly approached the bed. He seemed to look mostly like himself. She could tell he was a little thinner, more pale than usual, but other than that he looked like her dad. She scanned his entire body with her eyes, trying to detect any significant wounds. She couldn't see the wound or the bandages so at first glance he seemed ok.

"How was the trip? I'm sorry it got cut short."

"I don't care about it. I care about you. How are you feeling? I was so scared…

"Hey. Alexis. Look at me. Do I look ok to you?"

She nods her head, unable to verbally respond because of the emotions she is experiencing.

"Then I need you to not worry ok? I'm here, I'm ok, and we are going to be ok. Got it?"

"I guess…"

"I know what you need. Come closer."

Alexis pressed up closer to the side of the bed. She was careful not to touch the bed, or any part of his body, because she was scared she would undoubtedly hurt him. She quirked her eyebrow at him in a silent question to his statement.

"You need a hug." Castle pulled his daughter on to the bed sideways, awkwardly, to hug her as tight as he could manage. It was selfish of him, but he needed her close to him. He had missed her so much. He thought a lot about her while he was "dying" and so he had been on edge until he could physically touch her to make sure she was ok.

Alexis felt so safe in her father's arms. Most people assume that Richard Castle is the playboy with no responsibility or care to the world. She has always just seen him as loving, doting Dad. He always had time for her. Cared about her stupid kid things. Went to her plays and school events. He was more present than any other parent she knew of. Richard Castle was her hero, her best friend.

After a while of both Castle's reassuring themselves that the other one was alive and ok he finally let her sit up, but not move from the bed or his grasp.

"I heard you talking with Beckett," he finally said.

"Dad. What is she doing here?"

"I'm not sure really. She says she quit her job, is back for good. She wants me back, Alexis. I'm pretty sure she isn't going to leave this hospital until I do."

Alexis was silent too long.

"What's up, Pumpkin?"

"I just… I don't know why you haven't kicked her out yet, Dad. I mean, she practically killed you when she left and yet she is in here holding your hand, rubbing your arm, and whispering to you when I walked in. Are you guys back together?"

"She was? I didn't even know she was in here… Your Gram was here before I fell asleep."

"So you are back together then?"

"No. Absolutely not."

"Then why haven't you kicked her out yet?"

Castle sighed. He had been trying to figure this one out himself. He was so mad at her, is so mad at her. However, unfortunately Kate does make him feel…safe? Better? Secure? He can't quite let that go after not having it for so long. It's nice that she is here without being here. How can he explain that without being admitted to the psych ward?

"I… I don't know."

"Dad, I know you are an adult. But please, before you rush into anything, think about what the past 4 months were like. She broke you and left you to find the pieces. I can't… I just… please. Be careful."

"I will sweetie, don't worry about it ok? I'm not getting back together with Beckett."

With that, he pulled her down next to him, hugging her into his side. It hurt, but it was a reminder that he was alive and he has his little girl back.

**To Be Continued**


	17. Building Bridges

Kate was in need of a new perspective. After speaking with Alexis, she realized he was focusing solely on what she wants, and needed to figure out a new way to go about reuniting with Castle. A healthy dose of reality would probably be good. Like learning exactly what Castle had been doing since she left, how he had been acting. The Castle she has encountered is so different from the one she was used to that maybe her old ways wouldn't work anymore. Either way, she knew the one person to give her both perspective and honesty was in her best friend.

"Can we talk?" texted Kate.

A few minutes later she received an affirmative reply. She glanced in the room as she stood. Alexis and Castle were asleep in his bed. His daughter curled up around him as best she could. Martha sat with her back to the door, stroking the red hair falling over the side of the bed. She didn't want to interrupt the quiet family time they had created so she slipped out without telling anyone.

"I went to talk to Lanie. I'll be back in an hour or so. You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you or your daughter up. I love you." Ok, maybe she couldn't leave without telling him where she was going. But a quick text to him wouldn't interfere. Plus, he wouldn't see it until he was awake. With any luck he would still be asleep by the time she returned.

20 minutes later, Kate entered the morgue more timidly than she ever had before. Including the first time, fresh out of training. Lanie Parish was scarier than any dead body. Period.

"Hey Lanie, how's it going?"

"Hey girl. Good to see you. I'm doing well. How are you?"

"I'm…" Kate began to fiddle with the instruments on the tray in front of her. She was never good at starting a conversation, but usually she had a case to use as her lead in to the girl talk. "I'm doing ok I guess. Alexis just got in so…"

"So you got your ass handed to you and now you need someone to talk it over with. Am I correct?"

Kate gave a half smile, "Ya, you could say that."

Lanie looked at her. Really looked at her for the first time since Kate had returned. She was clearly skinnier, her eyes looked unfocused and more scared than she has ever seen her look, but she also had a determination about her. It reminded Lanie of when Beckett caught a case that hit a little too close to home. She would retreat into her "walls", but would look fierce and resolved to find the answers she was searching for.

"Look Lanie, I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve what I'm about to ask you, but I just need my best friend. I need you to kick my ass, tell me all the ways I screwed up, and then point me in the right direction."

"You're right. You don't deserve my friendship. But I'll take pity on you Kate Beckett. We can fight later, I'll call you mean names, and then we can make up and have wine. "

"Thanks Lanie."

"Ok, so what is it you want to know?"

Kate blew out a breath… "I want to know what Castle was like. After I left."

Lanie gave her that 'You are not serious look' before she replied. "Kate. You know I love you girl, but I love my Castle too. This just seems… like I'm breaking his trust."

"I don't need to know personal things, or what he has told you in private. Just… give me a rundown of the past few months. Observations you've made. "

"Why?" Lanie asked.

"He isn't the same… I can tell in the few times we've had a chance to talk. I love him, Lanie. I quit my job, and I'm here to stay. I don't care about anything but making this right. This is what matters. I'm fighting, Lanie. I need your help to even the field." Kate said with conviction.

"Alright, sweetie, but I don't want this getting back to Writer Boy."

"Of course."

Lanie began, "At first he was extremely withdrawn. It was like watching the Castle from a few years ago, when you were shot. He would mope around with those sad little Castle eyes, looking up every time he heard a noise, hoping it was you. That lasted about 3 weeks. He took a few days off, and then came back… different I guess you could say."

She continued, "It was like he traded in the old Castle for an upgrade. Yes, I've been spending too much time with Writer Boy… upgrade. Anyways, he was like Castle, but only more mature. He still laughed and joked, spun ridiculous theories, but only when he could tell the team or his family needed that from him. He was more helpful, stayed around to do paperwork. He even began spending hours of his time in my morgue. No one spends time in a morgue, with someone they have been scared of for four years, for fun. He was filling in the spaces you left in your relationships. He did that with Espo, Ryan, and even your dad."

Lanie then looked right in Kate's watery eyes and said, "It was like he went to fix himself into a better him, but he couldn't quite get there. He had missing pieces, pieces that you took with you to DC, which would forever change him. We could tell he was falling apart, but doing the best with what he had left to work with. You changed him, Kate. I'm not sure if he can ever be the Castle he was before."

Kate finally dropped her eyes from Lanie's when it was clear that Lanie had said all she was going to on the matter. It was difficult for her to picture the Castle Lanie was describing.

"Lanie? What do I do?"

"Girl, I'm not sure what you should do. Part of me, a big huge part of me, can't wait to see the two of you back together. You know I've been behind you guys since day one. However, the part of me that now knows the man behind Richard Castle is wanting to shoot you. You say you've quit your job, you are ready to fight, but now you need to convince him of it. Your words mean nothing to him anymore."

Kate nodded. She needed an action plan. The action plan had included quitting her job and not leaving Castle's side, but she needed to do more. Show him that she is serious.

"I… um… thank you. For talking to me. I've missed this. I've missed you. I am so sorry for the way I handled myself. I regretted storming out the second I left your apartment 4 months ago. I'm fighting for Castle, but I will fight for you too. I need my best friend."

"One more thing, girl. You two need to get your heads out of your asses and really talk. You're both at fault here, and you both need to take responsibility for the way this has ended up. Now, go take care of Rick for us, Kate. Then we can talk about us…. I've missed you, too."

After they said their goodbyes, with promises of text updates on both ends, the two friends separated. Lanie felt a little better towards Kate. She still had her own trust issues with her, and a hell of a fight to give her, but it was obvious now was not the time. Kate's focus was entirely on Castle, which Lanie was glad to see. She was honest with Kate when she said she wasn't sure if she is happy or concerned with her pursuit to reestablish the relationship. Castle had become a close friend, and she didn't think he had it in him for any more disappointments. This was using up her last ounce of faith in Kate Beckett.

Beckett felt relieved that her friend had opened up to her. It was a long shot going there for advice, but she needed it. Her dad wasn't around to see the day to day Castle so he couldn't help her with the invaluable insight Lanie could. Guilt, apprehension, and concern quickly set in when she thought back to what Lanie had said.

It was a weird concept to her, thinking of a reserved, mature Castle. She knew that side existed, was lucky enough to be let in to see it on occasions. Richard Castle was far more than what he let people see him as. She was curious why he decided to change so drastically though. One of the things she loved most about him was his ability to lighten the mood, be silly, when no one else could see the silver linings. She hopes that hasn't been lost in him.

As Kate drove back to the hospital, she realized that Lanie was right. Her list now includes actions and talking. She hasn't ever been good with being completely open and honest so maybe if she could get a few minutes with Castle to let him know she would be ready to talk, about anything, when he was ready would be a good first step.

**To Be Continued**


	18. Thoughts

Castle woke up from another nightmare. He can't seem to stay awake, but sleeping is even worse. The scenes he plays out over and over again in his head are a mixture of his and Kate's shootings combined. They both have been shot in various ways and he can't shake them any longer. The dreams are starting to bleed into his thoughts while he is awake now. The only time he seemed to be able to cope with the nightmare was the time right before Alexis arrived. Apparently, Kate was working her voodoo magic that helped him sleep. It pissed him off that she still knew him so well. It pissed him off even more that he wanted her there to help him.

Alexis was still curled up into his body on the bed sleeping. Martha wasn't in the room anymore. She was probably out looking for a doctor to hit on. It has helped having his family here today. The stress of not being in the same state with his little girl had been too much for him. Had he only known that getting shot would bring her home sooner then he would've tried it sooner… Ha. Too bad no one could hear how funny he was just then, he smiled to himself.

Kate would've twisted his ear for a comment like that. Kate. Oops he is still supposed to refer to her as Beckett. Well, I guess that says a lot about what he thinks of her return. Also, what he thinks about her inability to leave again. He knows that he needs to figure out what this means to him, having her claiming her love for him, and refusing to leave his side. He hasn't really been alone much since he has been in the hospital to have time to just process everything that has happened, and certainly not enough time to think about her.

He felt his phone vibrate on the bed, so he picked it up. He found a text from Kate, apparently she needed some girl time with Lanie. Of course she had to throw in the "I love you" at the end. He has noticed she has said those three words at least once in every conversation he has had with her here. It's ironic how painstakingly long he waited to hear her say those words to him, and now that she can't seem to stop saying them he doesn't want to hear it.

Kate Beckett is using words against him. This was completely unfair. He didn't want to be affected by what she keeps saying. That she quit her job to be with him, she loves him, and wants him back. He's heard it all before from her. In fact, she seems to be pretty open with her emotions right after a life or death situation. Maybe if he waits it out she will get it out of her system and return to DC where she belongs.

Does she belong in DC? Ugh! This battle between his heart, that says hell no, and his head, that says hell ya, is frustrating. What really needs to happen is an honest, open discussion between the two of them. They owe it to each other to hash out the details of everything. He needs that closure, the why behind her decision to leave him. He had so many unanswered questions about it all and has been eating him alive. In the deep parts of his heart, he knows that she isn't the only one to blame in the failure of their relationship. However, the bigger part of his heart, the part that is filled with anger towards Kate, wants to put all of it on her.

Before he even could think twice about his decision, he pressed the reply button and sent her a quick text. "We need to talk when you get back."

His finger hovered over the send button. The mature Rick Castle needs to push it, rip the figurative band-aide off, and communicate. The hurt, egotistical Richard Castle wants to keep her in limbo, make her pay for the pain she's caused him. It really wasn't much of a decision though. No matter what, he still cared for her and Rick Castle won out. He isn't the jerk that people think he is.

The immediate reply of, "On my way back already. Need anything before I get there? "

"No, but thanks. -RC"

"See you soon. I love you. -KB"

Crap. She is going to be here soon. He suddenly feels very nervous and on edge. The heavy pain meds they have him on heighten his emotions and he is finding it difficult to navigate his true emotions from the drug-induced emotions. Perhaps this conversation with Kate shouldn't happen now. What is he kidding? He doesn't have patience; he needs this taken care of now.

"Dad?" Alexis groggily said.

"Hey, Pumpkin. Sleep well?"

"Mmm ya. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you. I guess I'm more tired from the trip than I thought. Did you sleep better this time? Do you feel ok? Should I get the nurse? I need to get off the bed. Am I hurting you?" Alexis rushed. The more scared she was the quicker she spoke.

Castle smiled into her hair as he pulled her closer to him. "I am fine, Alexis. I feel fine, I slept well, and you don't need to move. I would like for you to calm down though."

"I was so scared, Daddy. When I got the phone call from Agent Beckett I thought the worst and I…"

He could tell that she was scared. The last few years hadn't been easy for her. She has had to see and deal with more than he would've liked and it pains him that he couldn't protect her from the evilness of the world. Keeping her locked up in the loft for the rest of her life was apparently illegal. He checked.

"You aren't getting rid of me that easily. I have been working on the scary dad routine for any boys you bring home from your trip. I've even practiced on the boys and Lanie. No way am I messing that up by getting myself shot and killed." Joking was good. It worked with his mom; it'll work with his kid.

"It's not funny, Dad."

Or not.

Alexis felt out of control and like her dad just didn't have any regard for his own life anymore. He played cop for 4 years to get a girl, then the girl dumped him for a better job, and he still continued to play cop. Now, he was lying in a hospital bed from a gunshot wound after going to a crime scene alone. This had gone too far. She was tired of watching her dad continuously put his life in danger. For no reason at all.

"Are you done now?"

"With joking about this? Probably not. Think of all the material I have to work with! I hope I get a cool scar so I can show everyone I got shot."

"This is funny to you? You are acting like it is a rite of passage. You aren't a cop, Dad. You weren't trained for this, and it isn't your job to do. I get why you stayed when Beckett was there, but I don't get it now. Please, Dad. I want you to seriously think about not going back. I can't… I don't want to be like Beckett. So angry and vengeful that my dad got murdered before I was 20. This isn't about just you, and I am going to be selfish and ask you to stop. This has gone too far. I need you to be around to harass my boyfriends, to walk me down the aisle, to meet your grandchildren one day."

Castle looked at her. He knew this conversation was coming too, but hadn't had a chance to prepare himself for it. He needed a minute to process his thoughts, and figure out what he needs to say to convince her she is wrong. This job means the world to him, and it is important. However, if she truly wants him to stop… well, he would.

"No, this is not funny. I am sorry that I scared you and that you had to come home to take care of me after my stupid decision. I won't apologize for working with the NYPD. That work, it's important. If I can help make the world a better place, or at least our part of the world, then I have to do it. Think about how you feel right now, and what you felt when you heard I was shot. Think about how you felt when you were kidnapped. What I do helps the victims, and the families. I can't step away knowing that I help bring closure to families, hope to victims."

Castle continued, "I think we need to table this discussion for a time when I'm not heavily medicated and a little time has passed. I will listen to you, and I will quit the 12th if you feel strongly about it after that discussion. Fair?"

The two Castles were staring at each other. Castle's eyes pleading for Alexis to understand the importance of this job, and hoping that she will forgive him for his mistake. Alexis felt like she was giving in by agreeing to a later discussion. Eventually, she broke first and gave a slight nod.

"Fair enough. I guess playing the "I've been shot" card will work for a little longer."

He smiled. Good, she is finally going for the humor they do so well.

"Hey! I think I should be able to use that card for a month."

"A month? No way. I am not putting up with you whining for an entire month. A week after you are realeased?"

"A week? I almost died! Surely that warrants at least 3 weeks."

"Two weeks. Final offer."

"Sold!" Castle said loudly. This felt good, to be able to return to some sort of normalcy with his daughter. "I love you, Alexis. So much."

"I love you , Dad."

They fell into a conversation about Alexis' trip. Castle was trying to get her attention off of him, and on to something he knew she was excited about. Plus, it had been difficult to maintain conversation with her and he wanted to know all about her time in Costa Rica.

After about ten minutes, he looks up when he hears a knock on the door.

Kate.

He forgot momentarily that she was coming to talk to him. Ya, this wasn't going to go over well with Alexis. He heard the conversation between the two earlier. He was shocked to hear Alexis be so…. rude? honest?... to Beckett. He hadn't seen that side of his daughter before. He could feel her tensing up beside him.

"Come in, Beckett."

Alexis turns to her dad, "What is she doing here? Why are you letting her in? I thought you told her to leave."

"Alexis, I need… I am going to ask you to give me some time alone with Kate. We have some things to figure out, and I need it to be just the two of us."

Kate was standing in the doorway observing the Castles. It was clear Rick was very uncomfortable in the situation, and Alexis was pretty upset with the two of them.

"It's ok, Castle. I can wait until it is a better time. I'll be out in the hall…"

Before she could even turn he stopped her. "No, we need to do this now."

Turning to Alexis he said, "Pumpkin, go find Gram and go home for a while. Unpack, clean up, eat dinner, and then come back around 8." He rarely had to use his "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you" father voice with her. This was one of those times. Alexis knew that it didn't matter what she said, this was going to happen.

"Fine, but I'll be back at 7:30 with your dinner. Deal?"

"Deal. Now go. I love you." Castle gave her one last squeeze and then released her from his arms.

"Agent Beckett, don't hurt him while I'm gone." Alexis said as she walked by Kate.

As soon as the door shut, Kate Beckett and Rick Castle stared at each other. Neither knowing where to start…

**To Be Continued- Next chapter will be finally be "the talk". :)**


	19. The Talk

**I'm pretty happy with how this chapter went. Hope you guys like it too!**

"So, how is Lanie?" Castle was the first to break the silence. No surprise there really.

"Good, she is good. Told me to make sure you get better quickly."

"She misses me? I knew she liked me." Castle said with a smirk. He has been spending a lot of time with the good doctor in her morgue. He knew she secretly liked him.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Castle." Kate decided that if he was willing to joke around with her for the moment she would take it. It almost felt normal.

"I'll have you know that I've spent a considerable amount of time with her lately, Beckett. She may even like me better than you at this point." Castle couldn't decide if he said that in jest or if he was trying to rub the fact that her friends were so angry with her.

"Ya, well from what I hear you might be right," Kate said quietly. Her friends had shifted to Castle's side after her move. It was annoying that there had to be 'sides' now. She was glad they cared for him so deeply though. Even if that means she lost their friendships.

"Lanie kicked your ass then? She is scary."

"I won't be able to sit properly for a week."

"Hmmm…" Castle said in response. He really didn't know what to say to that. He wished he could've heard that conversation. He wondered what Lanie said to Kate. Whether she told Kate about his reaction to her move or if she kept things from her best friend? What advice was given? He couldn't bring himself to ask her about it though. It wasn't really his place to care anymore.

"Rick?" Kate finally said after a few tense moments, "Did you ask me to come in to talk or to tell me to get the hell out of here?"

Well, it would appear Kate was done with the small talk. She was clearly focused on getting a conversation started with him while she had some time with him alone. Castle was a little shocked by her forcefulness. He'd only ever seen this determination in her when she was trying to get a confession from a perp. It was both terrifying and beautiful to watch. He wasn't so sure he liked the amount of attention she was paying him right now. It was definitely better when he was just observing the good Detective… Agent… work.

"I think we need to talk. Before you leave."

Did he mean leave, as in she was returning to DC, or leave the hospital? Kate needed to get him to realize she wasn't leaving in this conversation. There was nowhere else for her to go anymore unless he was there.

"Good. I mean, yes we need to talk, we have a lot to talk about, but Castle… I'm not leaving." Kate said as she pushed her long, curly locks from her face.

"Why are you here? Why did you come back?"

"I was just leaving for work, putting my coffee cup in the sink, when the hospital called. My heart stopped the second I heard you were shot, and at that point I wasn't sure how serious it was. The only thought was that I needed to get to you. No matter what. I had to see you to make sure you were ok. If something happened to you… Castle, I'd never come back from that."

"You say that, but you said no. I offered you always, and you turned me down. That doesn't exactly scream that you care about what happens to me." Castle was starting to get angry. The pain of her rejection began to surface again. He tried so hard to forget that terrible memory.

"Rick, you didn't give me a chance to explain myself! You heard the no and then walked away. That wasn't a proposal, that was an ultimatum and we both deserve more than that."

"What could you have possibly said? The no seemed to speak pretty loudly by itself."

"I wanted to tell you that it was a no for now. That as I sat there on the swing I thought you were there to break up with me, Castle. We hadn't talked about anything real in a month, and then we go from a fight to a marriage proposal. No, that is not how I wanted our lives to start."

"You thought I was there to… dump you? Why would I do that? I thought I was in love with you."

"You were talking about how you'd done a lot of thinking, that we both deserved more. In all of my experiences that inevitably lead to the 'We deserve more and I just can't give it to you so goodbye' speech. You were so mad when you found the ticket from DC, and we hadn't talked at all. I've never been in a relationship like this before. The first sign of a fight and I was usually gone."

"So why did you say no?" This has been the question running through Rick's head for the past 4 months on an almost continuous loop.

Kate sighed. "Rick. I love you, I loved you then, but I felt so insecure in what we were that I couldn't accept. I didn't feel that we were in a place that was strong enough for marriage. Yet. We hadn't talked about where we were going, or what we wanted from each other. We were still in the fun, getting to know each other as a couple stage and I felt blindsided by the question."

Castle interrupted, "How could you be so insecure in what we were? Are those walls so damn thick that you can't see what is right in front of you?"

"Don't you put this all on me, Castle. That's unfair to use my past against me." Kate said in a low voice. She was definitely at fault for some of their problems, but she isn't the only one to blame here.

"You're right…" He didn't want to apologize for his comment, but he didn't need to use that against her.

"We don't communicate well. We have been great partners for years, but we don't know how to talk about things when it really matters. We both retreat, you behind jokes and I remove myself from the situation. That isn't how I see a good marriage starting."

The two sat there for a moment. Neither one looking at each other, or really anything in particular. They were lost in thought. They each had their secrets, and it was clear that to continue this… relationship … they were either going to start talking, or walk away. They were both so independently private that giving away this final aspect of themselves is a deeper commitment than a ring on a finger could ever be.

Kate finally spoke up first.

"I don't know where your head is at with me, Castle. I probably don't want to know actually," Kate said with a self-depreciating chuckle, "but I am hoping we can work on being open and honest with each other. I don't regret my decision to say no to you. I can't because even though it hurt us both, it was the right decision. I do regret walking away. The one thing I learned over the past 4 months is that I don't want to live without you. I love you more than I could have ever imagined. Do you believe me?"

Kate's honesty was overwhelming him. She was staring at him with such intensity that he had to avert his eyes away from hers. He wasn't sure what he even felt about her right now. He was so torn, because he had missed her so much. He still loved her so much, and probably would for the rest of his life. However, he had lost his faith in her and it was difficult to completely believe what she was telling him.

"Honestly? I don't know what to think anymore. I know… I think… you care about me. I just don't know if I can trust you, and I don't know if I can believe that you love me."

Kate let out the breath she was holding. Hearing him say that he couldn't trust her was a crushing reality. Despite the problems they had in their partnership over the years the one thing they could always fall back on was that trust they had created so early on. To hear that was gone was… overwhelming. Heartbreaking.

Kate hung her head. Trying to keep the fact that his statement had hurt her so much, and that she was going to lose the battle of keeping her emotions in check. Tears finally broke through and fell down her face. Castle felt a little guilty for causing her such pain, but she was right. If they had any real chance at one last go of a relationship they were going to need to be completely honest.

Honesty was a bitch sometimes.

"What do you want to do, Rick?" Kate whispered through her tears. She was bracing herself for the final nail on the coffin of their relationship. On her happiness.

"I don't know," Castle whispered back. He had to keep his hand from reaching out to touch her hair. He wanted to comfort her, but he knew this was not the time to do that. It would only complicate things further.

Kate finally lifted her head and returned her tear-filled eyes to his. "I will wait until you do. I'm here for good, Rick. I'm not leaving again. I love you so much and I'm going to earn your trust back while I wait."

All Castle could do was to nod his head at her. He wasn't sure he wanted her to wait, but he was also curious to see what her waiting would look like. He needed time to think, really think, about what he wanted. He needed to figure it out soon to put them both out of their misery. Unfortunately, the pull for sleep was growing and he wouldn't be able to fight it much longer.

Kate could see how much this discussion had taken out of him. He was getting tired and would fall asleep at any moment. She needed to go and let him get some rest, but she needed to leave him with one last message.

"Rick, just so you know, you are my one and done. Always has been, always will be. What I wanted you to hear that day on the swing set wasn't a no, it was a not yet. I have never questioned that I would end up Kate Castle one day."

She started walking backwards as she said this to him. She could tell he understood what she was trying to say to him because his mouth was slightly agape and his eyes were wide.

"Sleep, Rick. I'll be right outside the door. Let me know when you are ready to continue our discussion. I love you, Rick Castle."


	20. Nightmare

**This one is short, sorry! I'll try to get a better one up tonight or tomorrow morning.**

The rest of the night went by fairly uneventful. Castle woke up when Alexis and Martha returned. They had dinner, talked, and eventually returned home when it was clear Castle was getting too tired to follow the conversation anymore. Kate had been out in the hall the entire time, catching bits and pieces of their conversations. She wished more than anything to be a part of this family. It had been so long since she felt part of a happy family. Her definition of family was no longer just her and her dad; it included those people in the hospital room. It made her concerned that she would never get that back, that the damage was too great to fix.

As they left, Alexis walked past her without a glance in her direction. Martha, on the other hand, stopped with her hand on Kate's shoulder.

"Katherine, dear, we are on our way home for the evening. Go on in there and sleep in a more comfortable chair. Richard is asleep, and if he throws a fit just tell him I sent you in there."

Martha then released the hold on her, winked, and walked to catch up with her granddaughter. It was almost like… Martha was offering her an olive branch. She was immensely grateful in the trust the older woman constantly showed her. She knows that Martha is still concerned for her son, and that she can't trust Kate to not hurt him again. However, she still went out of her way to make Kate a little more comfortable. She loved that woman in a way she hadn't loved someone since she was 19 years old. Maybe this is what the love of a mother looks like…

Kate stood from the chair, stretched, she had been sitting there for hours and felt her muscles screaming at her for the inactivity. She crept in to his room as quietly as possible. She could tell he was asleep, and that it would be very difficult to wake him up, but she didn't want to risk it. If he could sleep through the night then maybe she would get to sit in here and watch him. Once he woke up Castle would throw her out.

While she sat there, she decided to catch up with the guys. She hadn't heard anything from them in quite some time and was hoping there would've been an update sooner. Texting would probably be the less intrusive way to contact them. She felt very uneasy with them right now, and didn't want to bother them anymore than she had to.

"Espo, how is the case going? Any updates?"

10 minutes later, she received a response. "We broke him. He is writing his statement now, and will be arraigned in the morning. Tell Castle it's over."

"He is sleeping right now, I'll update him when he wakes up. Thanks Espo."

She waited for a response, but she knew there wouldn't be one. The only conversation the boys were willing to engage in was case or Castle related. Maybe she should push a little more with him. Might as well keep talking now, she has talked more today than she has…ever.

"Espo, can we talk some time? I want to fix this."

"Girl, you hurt my boy. You hurt us. You will be fine once you go back to DC. No worries."

"I'm not going back, Javier. I want back on the team."

"Later... yes."

"Thanks, Javi. I'm sorry."

There wasn't another response. They had said all that needed said for now. They will need to talk it out later, but now wasn't the time. She appreciated the boys even more after DC. She didn't realize how much she had relied on them during the job. She missed her partners.

Kate needed to finish one more thing before she would call it a day.

"Ryan, I know you are pissed. I know it's going to take a lot to make it up to you. I am sorry though."

No response.

"You should know I quit my job, I'm back for good, and I want back on the team. When you guys are ready for me."

No response.

"Let me know when you are ready to talk, Kevin."

"Ok."

With that, Kate put down her phone and settled in to the chair. She felt emotionally beaten up today. She had talked with nearly every one that mattered to her, and the majority of the conversations didn't go in her favor. Yet, she still felt better than she had in over 4 months. It felt great to be back in the same room with Castle. She felt, even though it is going to be rough, that they would eventually get back together. This time they would be stronger and in a better place. They would be ready for marriage.

Kate woke up around 4 am the next morning from sounds Castle was making in his sleep. He was tossing and turning, clearly in the midst of a nightmare. He was whispering her name over and over again, pained with every breath. She quickly got up and began to stroke his arm, leaning over his body to whisper to him, like she had done the day before. Like she had done so many times before in their beds after a bad case. Like she did for almost 3 weeks after Alexis had been kidnapped.

Within a few minutes he began to calm down. His breathes evened out, and he seemed to stop shaking so much. Kate swiped her hand over his forehead to move the hair from his eyes. His forehead was damp for perspiration. This helped him, the touch of something real during the nightmare. He also liked to talk it out once he finally woke up. She wonders briefly if maybe he would let her help him with this, or if it would be crossing the line.

Kate lost track of time while standing over her writer. The nightmare had passed, but she couldn't bring herself to leave his side. She held his hand in hers, while the other arm stroked his face, his arms, and his chest. It was impossible for her to remove her gaze off of him. This was as close as Kate had been to Castle in so long.

"Kate?" Castle whispered groggily. His voice deep with sleep and laced with confusion.

"Hey, Castle. How ya doing?" She whispered right back. She didn't remove her hands from him.

"You're here." Castle was struggling with separating himself from the dream he just had. He watched her die in the park, unable to get to her or call for help. Yet here she was. Holding him.

"Of course. You were having a nightmare…" she paused, "Want to talk about it?"

After a few moments, Castle finally replied. "Not really. I just… I keep replaying our shootings over and over every time I sleep. Every time it's a little different."

"Both shootings?" Why would he be thinking about hers? It had been almost 2 years ago since she was shot.

Instead of replying Castle lifted his hand from her grasp. He wanted to keep the connection with her, but he didn't want to give her the wrong idea.

"Thanks for helping me. I'm gonna… try to go back to sleep."

"Oh! Espo said they got the guy. He can't hurt you anymore."

Castle let out a breath. He hadn't realized how important that was to him until now. It helped to know that he wouldn't be able to do this to anyone else. Castle looked at Kate and nodded, not knowing what to say or if he would be able to voice just how good this was.

"Sleep, Castle. I'll be here to protect you. Goodnight." Kate said. She grabbed his hand in hers and squeezed to make her point before she retreated back to her seat. Even though she didn't want Castle to have nightmares, she counted this as a small victory. A way of proving herself to him again.

She thought she heard him whisper, "Until tomorrow…"


	21. Doctor's Orders

**Disclaimer: My extensive medical knowledge comes from watching Grey's Anatomy. So, if anything "Dr. Marshall" says is inaccurate then blame the TV show for not preparing me well enough. :)**

Kate and Rick were awakened the next morning by Dr. Marshall. He was there to check on Castle and update him on the tests that had been done the day before.

"Good morning Mr. Castle, Kate. How are you this fine morning?"

"Please, call me Rick. I'm doing well…. Until you woke me up." Castle replied in a teasing tone. To be honest, he wasn't all that thrilled to be woken up though. He had finally slept for more than 2 hours without waking up from a nightmare. In fact, he slept dream free. He felt more refreshed, which hasn't happened since the shooting.

"Well, Rick, I'm sorry to wake you up, but I have some good news."

Kate sat up quickly when Dr. Marshall had walked in to the room. Silently, she began to stand to leave the room. She definitely wanted to be in the room, hear what the doctor had to say, and ask questions, but she wasn't sure if Castle was comfortable with it. So, she decided to be respectful of his privacy and leave the room without interrupting.

Before she could make it past the bed, Castle grabbed on to her arm. She looked at him, trying to decide what he needed from her. With a shake of his head and the pleading look in his eyes, it was clear he didn't want to be left alone. He needed his partner. She was going to be the best damn partner ever. So, she smiled, nodded her head and sat back down.

No matter how long it has been, they still could communicate through small gestures and eye contact.

Castle was nervous to hear what the doctor was going to say. He had been allowed to move a little bit, and he had feeling in his toes, but he was scared to death that he would be forever crippled. He knew that he would be ok, that his family could take care of him. He was a writer, so he would be able to continue to work. He knew everything would be ok no matter what. That didn't stop him from freaking out. He didn't want to change his lifestyle because of the shooting…

"Rick, we've looked at all the scans and x-rays and it appears that the will make a full recovery. The bullet did not hit the spinal cord like we had feared, and now that the swelling is starting to go down we can officially tell you that you will walk again."

Rick grabbed Kate's hand with this news. His emotions were out of control and he could barely think straight. He was able to hear the "you're ok" but everything else was just a blur. Kate's hand, her presence, helped ground him.

"So what does this mean for Rick now? What will his recovery look like?" Kate's voice pulled Castle back to the conversation and out of his head.

Dr. Marshall replied, "Well, I would like to keep him here for another week, depending on how he heals, and if he gets any infections. Then, he will need to go to physical therapy 3-5 times a week, depending on what the therapist feels he will need. "

"Will he be able to get out of the bed soon? Walk to the bathroom?"

"I want him to stay in bed for at least today, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to rush it and cause more damage. The wound site is still swollen and sore. Pushing him could put too much pressure on his spinal cord, which would be detrimental. He will be required to get to and from the bathroom before we can release him, so he will need to be able to sit and stand unassisted by next week."

Kate turned to look at Castle. She could tell he was struggling to process the information. He was unnaturally quiet, and that concerned her. Rick was rarely quiet so she didn't know how to handle this.

"Rick? Do you have any questions?" Kate asked him.

"Huh? No… um… I'm good."

"Ok, well Rick, Kate, if either of you think of any other questions or concerns you may have then let one of the nurses know. I will be back by tomorrow to check on you. Rick? Take it easy today. Rest as much as you can. You are doing so well, you will be out of here in no time."

"Thanks Dr. Marshall" Kate said for both of them. This role reversal was totally weird to her, but it felt good to be able to be there for him when he needed it. This felt right.

After the doctor left the room, Kate turned to look at Castle again. He still had a strong hold on her hand and it didn't seem like he was going to release it any time soon either. He was looking across the room, but she could tell his mind was far away. He was stuck in his head, and having a difficult time grasping the situation.

"Castle? Are you ok?"

Castle could hear Kate's voice. It startled him actually. He hadn't noticed Dr. Marshall had left the room. He was stuck in the "what ifs". He almost lost his life. He almost left his daughter without a father, his mother without a son. He was so stupid! So selfish! What if the bullet had hit him somewhere else? What if he was paralyzed? What if…

"Rick. Come back to me, Rick."

"Huh?"

"You seemed pretty far away there, Castle. What were you thinking about?" Kate knows him so well. She knows he needs to talk this out, but it was going to take her pushing him to talk to get anywhere.

"Uh… you know..."

"Castle" she squeezed his hand to get his attention. "Talk to me."

"I'm terrified, Kate. I'm terrified that I won't be able to walk, that I screwed up my life. I'm scared that I came too close to leaving my daughter without a father, my mother… I was so stupid. I almost lost…everything… for what? I don't want this shooting to define who I am, but I keep replaying it over and over again. I'm stuck in that park, and I don't know how to leave."

Kate took a deep breath to try to collect her thoughts. She needed to get this right, to find the words that would help him.

"You are fine. You will walk again. Alexis has her dad, Martha has her son. You made a decision, but it wasn't your fault that you got shot. I know, I _really_ know, what it is you are feeling. A mixture of anger that it happened, disbelief that you are a victim, scared shitless that you could've died, and grateful that you didn't. I know you aren't ready to hear this yet, but you are going to need to talk to someone. You went through something traumatic and it will stay with you, eat you alive, until you can talk through it."

Kate paused to make sure he was following her. His eyes were focused on their hands, avoiding her eyes on purpose, but she could tell he was with her.

She continued softly, "I don't want you to become like me. I don't want this to haunt you and cause you to build a wall to match mine. You cannot let this define you. I know you are strong, you can beat this. You will, however, need help. Don't think that asking for it, or needing it, will make you less of a man. Do you understand me?"

It was silent. She could only tell that he was still awake by the way his thumb was stroking her hand. Castle knew that she was waiting for a response. He heard every word she had said. On some level he believed her, because he had longed to say these very words to her two years ago. Now that he was the one lying in the hospital bed with a hole in his back, he couldn't…get it.

"I… " for once in his life, words have failed him.

"Ok, Rick, you don't have to say anything now. I am here when you are ready to talk. You won't be alone in this. I won't let you fall."

Richard Castle was not a weak man. He had learned from an early age that if he wanted something he had to get it. He was self-reliant, and that helped him to be the famous, respected man that he is today. So what he heard himself say next shocked him.

"Will you... stay? Help me?"

What the hell did he just say? Why is he asking her to stay when he isn't sure he can even trust her right now. What if he does rely on her and she leaves him when she realizes that he isn't worth it? What if her job calls her back? What if…

"Rick, I'm not leaving. I am staying, and I will help you as much as I can. Partners, right?" She said with a smile. It was clear he had spoken without realizing exactly what he was saying. So, to make it easier on him Kate tried to keep her answer light.

"Besides Castle, this is finally my chance to follow you around. Bother you like you bothered me for 4 years. Yes, I'm looking forward to staying around."

"Hey now. You loved having me around. You've even admitted it to me. You can't take it back now, Beckett." Kate was making this easier, less personal and heavy. He was grateful she knew him so well. He was even grateful for the eye roll after his statement. It felt natural.

He yawned. He was already tired, and could use another dreamless sleep. He wasn't arrogant enough to admit that her presence in the room calmed him. This wasn't letting her back in to his heart, this was just accepting her friendship, or partnership.

"Kate? Can you stay in the room while I sleep?"

"Yes, Castle. I'll stay right here. Rest. I'll be here when you wake up. Ok?"

"Hmm…" Castle was fading quickly. He heard her whisper, "I love you" as he fell asleep.


	22. Daddy's Girl

Alexis walked in to her father's room just after 10 am. It was a rough night for her. Falling asleep wasn't difficult. After all, she hadn't slept in about 40 hours. She had never known exhaustion until now. Falling asleep was easy, but staying that way was another story. She kept waking up from a recurring nightmare. The nightmare ended when the phone would ring, Kate was on the other end of the line, informing her that her father was dead.

Alexis would wake up panting, on the verge of tears, as the fact that it was almost her reality was realized. She was terrified. It was not easy facing the fact that your father, your hero wasn't as invincible as you thought he was. Growing up, her father had given her the perfect childhood. He was attentive, he was entertaining, he was literally her best friend. Alexis didn't need a Batman, Superman, or Spiderman to look up to. Alexis had Rick Castle.

Now, she was lying in her childhood bed, crying, because her super hero dad was lying in a hospital bed. With a freaking gunshot wound. She was generally ok with her dad playing detective. He had grown up and found joy in helping the victims of New York City. She was even proud of him for this decision. But now… she wanted him to give it up. It wasn't cute anymore. The danger he put himself in wasn't worth it either. He had a family to think about.

Thinking about the precinct inevitably led her to think about Kate. Kate, the only woman to have ever made her dad truly happy was also the only woman to have ever made her dad truly miserable. It was hard, trying to navigate her feelings for Kate. On one hand, she has always admired her. Kate was a strong, independent, successful woman. Alexis didn't have that sort of role model in a woman before. Yes, her Gram was wonderful, but in a way different from Kate. She had watched her father's relationship with Kate, and she thought she was witnessing love for the first time in a relationship outside of a TV screen. Her dad had never loved her mother, or Gina, and Gram had never fallen in a deep love since she could remember. It was exciting to watch, and gave her hope that love still existed. What Kate and her dad had was real. What she thought was forever.

However, the last 4 months has erased those good memories of her. She watched her father slowly drift away. Yes, he was still the wonderful father to her, a good son to Gram, but the light in his eyes were gone. He laughed less, he never wrote, and his smile wasn't a permanent feature on his face. For that, Alexis hated Kate. With her return, came all of the negative feelings. Hurt, anger, frustrations, disappointment. She didn't want to watch her dad fall for her again, and then get hurt once she leaves. She couldn't trust Kate Beckett anymore.

Her dad had asked her to wait to talk about the precinct and Beckett until he felt better, probably until after he is released from the hospital. If she were honest, Alexis would want to talk now. Get all of these feelings off her chest, and a reassurance from her father that he would be safe. Safe to her meant away from the 12th and away from Kate. Alexis wasn't stupid though. Pushing him to talk and make a decision wouldn't work. He needed logic and so she will wait. She will come up with all the reasons why he should quit it all, and give him a sound argument. So, as sleep evaded Alexis Castle, she began to craft the best speech she's ever given.

To walk in to her father's room and see Kate sitting in his room, next to his bed, with her hand in his was shocking to say the least. She had left the night before with her dad still ice cold to Beckett. She had made herself home on a chair in the hallway, and that is where Alexis had assumed she'd stay all night. This scene before her was too intimate, too much for her to take right now. She wanted her gone, not just from the room but the hospital. Her dad might be too weak to realize it, but she could fight for him. She would make sure he wouldn't get hurt again.

"Agent Beckett. What are you doing in here? I thought you were staying in the hall since you wouldn't leave."

"Hey, Alexis… ya, I, um, came in early this morning. To help your dad. He knows I'm in here, I've got his permission." She tried to reassure Alexis.

"No, you don't get it do you. We don't need your help. You don't have my permission to be in here right now." Alexis spoke. She was fuming, but trying to keep her voice down with her father asleep in the bed.

"If your dad asks me for help, if he needs me, then this is where I am. I won't leave." Kate said strongly.

"For how long? Until the next job offer comes? Until the next millionaire looks your way? Kate, you don't exactly have the best track record of staying around when my dad needs you."

"Alexis Castle. That is enough" Castle rebuked. He began moving from his prostrate state to sitting up so he could have this very awkward conversation with his daughter and his… partner?

"I realize you are mad at Kate, and I realize that you are scared so I won't get too upset. However, you do not get to talk to her like that. It was rude and you know better than that."

"Dad! I'm tired of watching this dance the two of you are in where you follow her, she gives you attention, you think you have the girl, then she walks away with your heart. I'm tired of picking up the pieces she leaves behind when she goes. You don't seem to care but I do."

"Kate and I… we've both done our share of hurting. I'm sorry you've had to deal with the repercussions of our relationship, and I should've done better to keep that from you. This… thing" Castle motioned between he and Kate, "is still undefined. I don't know what or if it will become anything. I do know that I asked you to give me time to think."

"I don't trust her. I don't trust her not to trick you into falling for her again."

"Alexis," Kate finally spoke up, "I don't deserve you or your fathers trust right now. Yours especially. You've had a courtside view of our relationship, and because of that you have seen our best and worst sides. I don't expect instant forgiveness, I don't even expect to get it at all. But I will fight like hell to earn it."

"Why should I believe this time is any different?"

"Because I know what it's like to lose it all. I know how completely alone and lost I feel without my family. I know that what I want more than anything is to be worthy of my family again."

Alexis looks down to the floor. "I can't… I can't support this. I'm sorry, Dad. I need to… I need… to go. I'll stop by, later. Text me if you need anything."

"Sweetheart, don't go." Castle called out.

"It's fine. Really. Bye." Alexis said as she walked out the door.

Leaving silence to fill her absence.

"Kate. What are we doing? This affects my little girl. I just… I can't keep doing this to her." Castle's whisper eventually breaks the silence.

"You know what I want. You know that I want you back, and that I want this to be forever. I think… I think I need to give you time to figure out what you want. This isn't just about us anymore. We've been selfish, dragging our friends and family into our mess of a relationship."

"I hate that this is what we've become."

"Ya, Castle," Kate sighs, "me too."


	23. Dirty Laundry Part 1

Silence filled the hospital room once again. Kate sat staring at Castle from the chair next to his bed, while Castle's gaze was on the door. He had decisions to make, hard decisions, that would affect everyone he loves. Most importantly though, was to make a decision that would be best for him. He has lived for so long worrying about how his actions would affect those around him. His needs were consistently put on the back burner.

When Meredith got pregnant, he married her because of the obligation he felt to her and their baby. He was happy enough with her, knew that with time they would be a good family. She wasn't serious, and he wasn't looking for serious. The moment that pregnancy showed a positive sign he grew up, took responsibility for their actions. Castle put the doubt he had in his semi-relationship away, and offered his girlfriend, the mother of his child, stability in marriage. He wasn't in love with her, but he would love her. Eventually, it was clear that starting this marriage from the conception of his child would be enough to keep Meredith grounded. She wanted freedom and fame, being a wife and mother didn't work with either of those things.

Gina was a marriage of convenience. His mother wasn't around as often as she is now, and Castle was concerned that his little girl was missing out on having a mother. His publisher was a driven, smart, and interesting woman. She was also the only woman he had consistent contact with that didn't treat him like a god. Yes, she benefited from his celebrity status, but she wasn't blinded by it either. Their professional relationship worked well and so he thought it would work just as well personally. At first, it really did. Gina didn't show a lot of interest in Alexis, but she also wasn't very affectionate with Rick either. Once he was married he realized that forcing himself to love her, pretending that she could be the mother figure to Alexis, wasn't good enough. They began to fight, and eventually went their separate ways personally.

With Kate, he has always followed her lead. At first, it was because he didn't know how she would respond if he pushed her. He had weaseled his way in to the precinct, against her wishes, and he needed to prove himself, by following her rules, that he could be a great partner. Once it was clear to him that they could be more, he had to again follow her lead. They had unofficially decided that until her walls came down that they couldn't be more than what they were. He was fine waiting for her, he was good at putting her first. She showed him in subtle ways how she was working towards more with him, and that was enough.

Then, Kate almost died. They had severed their partnership and he thought that she had left him for good. Until she showed up at his door step, wanting him. For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, he felt almost even in a relationship. Like he was in a real partnership, filled with love for the right reasons. Yet, he still felt nervous to push her along, make them more. He was so scared of rocking the boat that he failed to see the signs that she was ready for more. To her, his complacency was him loosing focus and not what it really was. That he was scared to push her because she would run away.

Now, here she is. Giving him the choice. All the balls are in his court, and he isn't sure what to do about it. He can feel her eyes on him, trying to figure out where his head is at, and it is overwhelming him. He doesn't want to make a rash decision based on fears, hurt feelings, or the influence of others. For once, he was going to decide with his heart, for himself, and not for anyone around him, what he wanted. If the people around him, his family and friends, love him they will accept his decisions.

"Kate? You said you were going to give me time… to figure out what I want." Castle said. He had turned himself to be able to look at her for this conversation. He could always read her thoughts when he could see her eyes.

"As long as you need."

"Why are you still here then? Don't you have somewhere to go? See your dad or something…?" He thought as soon as Alexis left that Kate would be out the door. When Castle hears the word "time" falling from her mouth he immediately assumed space was implied. Having her still here… was weird.

"Time doesn't equal space, Castle. Remember? I'm not leaving." Had she just read his mind?

"You got time and space when you were shot, Kate." He didn't mean to say that rudely. The meds, though he was on less today, still prevented him from filtering his thoughts completely.

"You're right, and I wished you'd forced your way back in the entire time I was away. I thought that I needed to get away, from everything, to fix myself. For a while, I looked at you and would see my mother's case. I thought distance would help me get over it. I also didn't want to be weak, broken, in front of you."

"Why? I was your partner, Kate. I was in love with you. I wanted to help you so badly."

"I get to see myself through your eyes every time I pick up a Nikki Heat book. To you, I am this incredible mystery who kicks ass and saves the day. No one has ever looked at me the way you do, and I was scared to lose that. It was selfish of me, but that is the truth."

"Kate, I will always think of you as extraordinary. Maddening, infuriating, but extraordinary. That day, when you were shot, I didn't think less of you. Watching you fix the literal and figurative hole in your heart made me love you more."

"I know that now."

"Why now? What has changed?"

"Because that is how I feel about you. You are my rock, Castle. When I am out of control, losing focus, you are there to catch me. I can find my way when you are around. You are the silent giant, my friend in the darkness, my partner in crime. Seeing you in this bed… it is terrifying, heartbreaking. Knowing that you were shot and came out alive only magnifies the strength I know you possess. I don't think less of you, I love you more."

"Why did you kiss Vaughn?" Castle blurted out. It had come from left field, but Alexis had mentioned millionaire before she left and he had questions to ask her.

"Uh… what?" To say Kate was confused, and a little shocked at the sudden question, was an understatement.

"Vaughn. You know the guy you crushed on in front of me, kissed in a hotel room after drinking on the job, and then saved his life. I never thought I had to be concerned about other men with you, until Vaughn. Why did you let that happen?"

Kate let out a long sigh. This was going to take a lot of time to explain, and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"The Vaughn situation… it's complicated, Castle. It's going to be a long conversation. You up for it?"

"Yes," came Castle's short reply. He was anxious to see why she thought it was going to be so complex.

"Do you remember what happened right before we caught that case, Castle?"

"Uhhh… not really. It's been awhile…"

"I will never forget it because it was the first time I have ever felt like I was unattractive to you."

"What?!" Castle nearly screamed out. How in the hell could she think that?

"You were playing video games. I came out wearing your shirt, nothing else, hoping to seduce you to come to bed early that night. I had fixed my hair, shaved my legs, I even used the strawberry lotion you love so much…"

Oh, Castle loved that lotion. He was momentarily distracted by the scene Kate had painted in his mind. She was beautiful, gorgeous. It did something to him when he saw her wearing his clothes. It was almost primal, possessive. It appears that, even now, she still could rile him up.

"But you were too busy playing a game with some kid to come to bed with me. At first I thought you were playing hard to get, joking around. Then, when I realized that you were seriously choosing the game over me… it scared the hell out of me."

"Kate. I didn't mean to…"

"No, wait. We have to talk about everything, even if it hurts. I need you to know why I was so scared."

Castle nodded, though he felt the overwhelming need to reassure Kate that he didn't mean to make her feel unwanted.

"I was scared that our relationship had become stagnant. That the mystery, the spark between us, had left for you. There was a time when I couldn't even open the front door without you jumping on me," she stopped to chuckle as memories of them flashed into her mind, "but I was standing there wanting you and you turned me down flat. You didn't even look at me. I assumed you were getting bored of me."

"Can I talk now?"

"Nope. Almost though," Kate smiled at him. "I also had Meredith in my head. Telling me that I was wasting my time with you. That this was a lost cause. I doubted us, and I was scared. When Vaughn came, he looked at me like you used to. He was charming and new, and I am ashamed to say that it was flattering. I felt… wanted… and I was blinded by that. But Castle, we didn't kiss. Our lips never touched. We were close, but I pulled away because I would never kiss another man. That isn't who I am."

"How about now?"

"One last thing. Vaughn questioned me that night, when we were in his room. He asked me what you and I were. I couldn't figure out what to say to that. My immediate reaction was to say that you were my partner, that we were together, but we never talked about what we were. Yes, you were my boyfriend, and I knew that we loved each other. I just didn't know what that meant to you though. You've had two marriages. I wasn't sure if you wanted a third, if I was even someone you still wanted to be with…"

"Ok, I'm sorry for interrupting you but I can't listen to this anymore. I have too much to say. Kate, I apologize for making you feel unwanted, like you were anything less than perfect in my eyes. I am ashamed that I l chose a game over you, and that led you to feeling the way you did. I wished you had told me how you felt, but I guess that is something we've always failed at doing. What I don't get though is why was my ex-wife in your head?"

"You aren't going to like this answer, Castle." Kate almost whispered.

"What?"

"I talked to Meredith. I asked her why the two of you didn't work out."

"What?!" For the second time in this conversation, Castle screamed out his shock. "When did this happen? Why didn't you talk to me about this?"

"When Alexis had mono, right before she left. I don't know why I asked her… I hadn't planned on it. I was just… curious about what she'd say."

"What did she say?"

"She said that you knew her so well, could write books about her. She felt she could only write a pamphlet on you, maybe. Meredith felt like you never let her in and she tried for a while, and then just gave it up. Left."

Castle was quiet for a moment. Trying to process what Kate had just told him.

"And you believed her?" Castle spoke slowly, in a deep voice. Kate could tell he was livid.

"Sort of. Castle, you _have_ written books about me. You get inside my head, and I realized that I never get inside of yours. Remember how long it took me to get you to tell me about Jordan?"

"I'm a different man then I was with her. I was young, stupid, new to fame. I didn't know what love was or how to be in a relationship. We got married because of Alexis. Had she not been pregnant, I would've given us another month before it ended. We didn't trust each other, and for a good reason too. It's different with you. Our relationship is completely different than my other marriages."

"Why did you guys get divorced then? I want your side of the story."

"She cheated on me."

Oh. This was a big deal. She believed his ex, didn't talk to him about it, and then almost "cheated" on him.

"Rick. I had no idea."

"Well, now you do."

"How did you find out?"

"I walked in on her, in our bed, having sex with her director. Alexis was upstairs asleep, and my wife was screwing her boss."

"It makes this Vaughn thing even worse, doesn't it?"

"Yep." Castle couldn't reply with anything more. He felt too raw and out of control.

"Talk to me?" Kate could see him retreating, but she wasn't having it. This needed to air out now.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Kate."

"Anything , dammit! Don't back away now. I'm being honest and open with you and you need to do the same to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that we really screwed up. That I'm pissed at myself, I'm pissed at you, I'm pissed at Vaughn and my Meredith. I'm just… angry."


	24. Dirty Laundry Part 2

"Why?" Kate asked. She knew if she kept pushing she will get more of the truth from him. She wished that they could leave the conversation where it's at, but if they hope to become better communicators, better partners, then she will push.

"Why am I pissed? It seems pretty obvious don't you think?"

"Why are you pissed at Eric Vaughn, Castle? Let's start there."

"He seduced you, Kate! After he knew we were together!" Castle nearly yelled.

"He was charming, attentive, and attractive, yes…"

"Great. You are swooning right in front of me again and the guy isn't even here!"

"But… Castle, he isn't the first rich, ladies' man to try to seduce me. In fact, I lasted four years before I gave in to the last one." Kate said with a smirk.

"You were willing to give in to him in less than a week." Castle replied.

"That is NOT true."

"I worked so hard to get you to notice me. I brought you coffee, I followed you at work, and I busted my ass to be a good partner. Four years, Kate, four years of waiting for you to finally open up to me. To see what was right in front of you! It seemed like… you were ready to give in to him and his damn charm if I hadn't been around."

"That is not true, Castle." Kate repeated herself in a low voice.

"Then why were you drinking champagne with him? Why were you so close to him when he was nearly shot? It just doesn't add up. What is it that he has that I don't? I know you aren't after money, Kate, so I don't have to worry about that. You say he gave you the attention you felt I wasn't giving you lately. I've followed you around for 5 years! I've risked my life for you far more times than I'd like to admit to. I've waited years and for you. One night I'm distracted, momentarily, and you are ready to run? Sure doesn't say much about our relationship now does it."

"I was scared." Kate finally whispered. She felt like an idiot when looking at Castle's perspective of the situation. Yes, she felt like she wasn't sexy enough for him when he was distracted, but there was more to her almost thing with Vaughn than that.

"Scared of what?"

"Of everything! I'm scared that you will get bored of me. Scared that you will wake up one day and realize I'm not good enough for you or your family. Scared that my job will put you in danger and I will have to tell your daughter I didn't protect her dad. Scared that I suck at relationships and will screw it up."

"So you ran. That's why you took the DC job without telling me. Right?"

"Yes." Kate felt smaller now than she has ever before in her life. She just admitted to weakness, but worse than that? She admitted to not facing her fear but hid away instead.

"Why?"

"Why did I run? Castle…"

"Kate, I have to know. You said we had to talk, this is part of it."

"I told you… I was scared."

"Nope, I'm not buying it. Kate, I've watched you stare down murderers and not even flinch. There is more to it than this. Why did you run?"

"You have the power to break me, Rick. A life without you in it would be hell. I barely survived my mother's murder. I know that if anything like that happened to you… I wouldn't come back from that. Part of me ran because that scares me. I worked so hard to keep everyone out, with my wall, so I wouldn't ever be hurt again. Part of it was because I was scared of the commitment you were asking for. Mostly… I was running away to protect you."

"Bull shit." Castle wasn't buying this. There had to be more to it, more of a reason that he has had to suffer for 4 long months.

"I am in love with you. I want to marry you. I want to have children with you. I can't do that until I know our family will be safe." Castle wants real? Here it is. Her greatest fear.

"Safe from what? Kate, sometimes bad things happen, but that doesn't mean we give up everything that makes us happy. That is ridiculous."

"I will not bring a child in to this world if I know Bracken is out there."

"Bracken? Wait. This has to do with your mother's case? I thought we were past this." Castle felt blindsided by this.

"I bought us time, a momentary time out in the war, but I know the final battle is coming. If I had the power and resources of the federal government on my side, plus the extra training I'd receive in DC, then I would get the son of a bitch and end this war for good. Being a cop? It just won't cut it anymore."

After a long sigh, Castle finally responded. "I can't fault you for that, Kate. I've known this case was important to you from the beginning and I would never get in the way of that. I just… I'm so disappointed in you, how you handled this. I can't… I need time, space, to think about this. I need… a break."

"Castle I'm…"

"Stop, please. I can't do this right now. I'm tired and I need to be alone." Castle left no room for questions. This conversation was over, and he was checked out. He rolled over, as best he could, to distance himself the best he can. "Close the door on your way out please."

"Ok," Kate whispered her assent. She certainly didn't want to leave his side, but knew that he wasn't going to change his mind.

As soon as the door shut, Castle's defenses fell. A tear slipped down his check as he reflected on the conversation he just had. He had been hurt and confused for months, trying to piece together why she would leave him. He had assumed he wasn't good enough, that she couldn't possibly love him. She couldn't commit, because Richard Castle wasn't worth it. It turns out, he was up against her mother's case.

He couldn't fault Kate for wanting justice for her mom. It's part of what he loves most about her. Her dedication and determination to right the wrong of not only her mother, but all the victims that cross her desk. However, to hear that their love, their happiness was so easily tossed away for a case? That felt like shit. To top it all off, Kate didn't trust him enough to tell him the truth. Kate didn't think about how this decision would affect him at all. She did say it was her life after all.

Hers.

Singular.

Richard Castle wasn't worth it, and he didn't stand a chance in the fight. This feeling? Feels worse than walking in on his wife cheating on him. This hurts a lot more, too.

**Sorry it was a short one... wanted to get out what I had already. **


	25. Unexpected Visitor

Kate sat outside Castle's room.

Speechless.

She thought their conversation was going well, not easy, but well. She was trying to be as open and honest with him as possible. She talked the Vaughn thing out, but then it turned and got out of control so quickly. Angry words and heated debate she could handle. Castle removing himself, backing out and shutting down? Not so much.

It killed her to know that her selfishness had caused him such great pain. Because if she were truly honest with herself she would say that her actions in the last few months have been selfish. It's funny how true that damn saying is, "Hindsight is 20/20." Castle would kill her if he knew she even thought this cliché, but it didn't make it less true.

She regretted keeping the offer to herself, interviewing to herself, and then accepting it without his input. It was beyond stupid! She thinks she even said something along the lines of it being "her life". The argument she had in her kitchen that night isn't super clear anymore. She was so distracted by how hurt he was to remember much of what was said. It seemed like from that point it just got so much worse.

She was wrong that day in the diner, when talking to her dad. She was wrong to think that any job would be more important than the lifetime of love Castle had offered her. She had let her pride take over and blind her from the truth. She let fear make her run away. This will surely need to be another conversation she and Castle have, but she isn't looking forward to that one. It's going to suck to admit how weak she truly is.

What she doesn't understand is why he proposed that day on the swings. She could still see his anger, his doubt when he spoke to her. He offered her the ring with a look of a scared, unsure man instead of with the cocky determination and a sparkle in his eye. He had to know that she wouldn't accept a proposal like that one. She would have hoped he would want more from it too.

"Katie?"

"Dad?!"

Kate shot up out of her chair and gave her dad a hug. They weren't normally ones for showing affection through hugs, especially in public, but seeing him here was so… unexpected and comforting. She was so happy to see him and talk with him. He helped to ground her, and she could use that right about now.

"How's Rick doing?"

"The doctors are hopeful that he will make a full recovery. The bullet didn't hit the spinal cord, so there won't be any lasting damage."

"Good, good." Jim Beckett paused. "How are you doing?"

"I'm… glad he is going to be ok."

"But?"

"But I'm scared that I screwed up too much. That I hurt him too badly to fix this. We just talked and… it didn't go very well."

"I see… Well, Katie, it will take time. It won't be fixed in a day, remember to be patient. You get that from your mom, she was never patient. What I do know? That man loves you."

"How do you know?"

"I've seen you two together. I've talked with him alone. The way he lights up about you, even the last few months when you were away, I could still see it."

"He said sometimes love isn't enough…"

"His hurt right now. Give it time, Katie. Now, I'm gonna go see how the man is doing with my own eyes. Care to join me?"

"No… um… not yet. I think I'll go to the bathroom, find a coffee and join you in a minute. Castle, he… needs a break from me right now."

Jim Beckett nodded. Looking at Katie it was like looking at his wife. Their headstrong determination was something they both possessed. He loved watching his wife fight for justice, but when that force was focused on him, or against him, it was maddening. He knew Rick felt the same way. Jim never thought he would have so much in common with his wife's favorite author.

Jim knocked softly on the door as he opened it.

"Kate, I told you I need a break…"

"Rick, it's Jim. Do you mind if I come in?"

Jim? Jim Beckett was in his hospital room? Jim Beckett heard him talk to his daughter rudely. Crap. He tried to sit up, make himself look a little more presentable. If that was even possible in hospital clothes and unshowered for days. He felt completely naked under the gaze of Kate's father right now.

"Of course, come in."

"I came to check on you myself, Rick. Katie stopped by yesterday to let me know what happened. You ok?"

"Uh, ya. The doctors say I'll be fine. Hopefully getting out of here soon."

"Good, that's good."

Jim was no fool. He knew that if he didn't keep asking questions and let the writer come up with something to say, that he would eventually get out what was going on with him and his daughter. He was a good lawyer for a reason.

"Thanks for coming… you could have called me. Or Kate, since she is here."

"Hmm… yes. I was in the neighborhood though."

"Oh,well, thanks."

Jim Beckett just nodded. He could see Rick starting to squirm. He tried to conceal his smile, because he didn't want him to realize what he was doing.

"Uh, sorry you heard that. Me talking to Kate that way when you came in to the door. I just… I'm sorry."

"It's fine. She looked about the way you sounded when I got here."

"Sorry…" Castle trailed off. This felt strange. Talking to Jim like this. He wasn't sure what to say to him, and he was being so awkwardly quiet. He was trying to fill the silence, but the only topic he could think about was Kate at the moment. That was definitely not an appropriate conversation to have with her father.

"Wait. You saw Kate when you got here?"

"Of course. She is right outside your door, though she said she was going to the bathroom and to find coffee." Jim was a little confused about why she was out there, and why Castle didn't know it.

"I thought she left." Castle almost whispered. He just assumed she would leave after their conversation. It felt… good… to know she hadn't gone too far. She was keeping her promise.

"Why is she outside your door, Rick? If you don't mind me asking." Jim decided to pry just a little bit. Partly because he was her father and had a right to know, but also because he was curious to know what was going on. He could always count on getting more information from Rick than his daughter, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Well, this is… I don't know what to say to you, Jim. This isn't exactly easy."

"The truth is fine with me, Rick. You need to remember… I was married to Katie's mother. Those two are so alike. I probably understand how you are feeling better than anyone else. These Beckett women… can make you crazy." Jim said with humor in his voice. He wanted Rick to feel at ease with him, because he did care about him. He wanted the best for his daughter, and he just knew that Rick Castle was it.

"Crazy? More like clinically insane." Castle joked. It felt good to acknowledge this with Jim, like he wasn't crazy for feeling crazy. "To be honest, I just needed space. We… talked and it is hard for me to be around her and think. I thought when I told her I needed time that she would leave."

"She promised you she wouldn't. Right?"

"Right."

"This is between you two. I know you have a lot to figure out, but please know this. She loves you. Beckett women make you crazy, but it's general y worth it. That's all I'm going to say about it."

Just then Kate knocked on the door timidly. She wasn't sure if she should even attempt to enter the room right now. She should just wait for him to ask her back in, but she also didn't want to miss spending time with Castle and her dad. She hadn't spent much time with the two of them before, it was a little strange for her to see them together. Very few of her boyfriends ever made it to meeting her dad. The last one was Will.

"Come in." Castle called. He wasn't ready to be alone with her again, but he was fine with her being in here with her dad.

Jim spoke up, "I need for you two to stop making us meet like this. I don't know what it is about a damn hospital that you guys like to make reunions happen here, but I hate it. Next time, call me up. I can meet you two at a diner just as easily as a hospital."

Castle laughed. "I'll keep that in mind for next time."

"I'll even spring for the bill." Jim joked.

It felt strange to Kate, watching these two man joke around. They were the two most important men her life and she never noticed how great it was that they had a relationship. Hell, she didn't even know they had a relationship.

"Katie?"

"Huh? Ya, dad?"

"You zoned out on us." Jim said.

"Oh, uh, sorry."

"It's fine. I was just letting you know that I need to leave. I didn't want to stay long, but I had to come see how you two were. Rick, take care. And stay away from parks late at night." Jim scolded. "Katie, walk me out?"

"Thanks, Jim. It was good to see you again."

"No problem. Let me know if I can do anything."

"You got it. Bye."

Once the Beckett's were in the hallway, Jim turned to Kate.

"You going to be alright, Katie?"

"Ya, I'll be fine."

"Ok. Well, good luck. Take care of yourself."

"I will, Dad."

"Time, Katie. Give it time."

With that, Jim turned and walked down the hall. Kate sat down in her chair. To wait. Her dad was right, time and patience was going to be her new best friend.


	26. Free Lunch

Rick was just about to fall asleep when his phone vibrated.

"Lunch?"

He smiled. It seemed so funny to him how completely different their roles were right now. Usually Castle was the one to enquire about food, make sure she ate. Castle was the one to push the conversations, stay too long, never leave Kate alone. Now that he was the one shot in the hospital bed, Kate was doing everything she could to take care of him. He tried to deny it, but it was nice having her around to help him out. It was nice not to be alone, to have her help him through his nightmares, and even bring him food. It was his biggest secret.

"Sure." Castle replied. He also felt relieved that she had texted him instead of coming in to his room. It had been an hour since Jim left, almost two since their "conversation". He was not ready for a round 2 yet, or even talk to anybody really. The solitude was comforting.

"What would you like?" came Beckett's reply.

"Anything but soup."

"I'll be back in less than an hour."

Good. He still had some time alone. He laughed again at himself. He really was turning into Beckett. Wanting to be alone, not wanting to talk to anyone. He never really understood why she left for those 3 months without a word to him. It was still a sore spot for him when he thinks about the absence, how he longed to just see her or hear her voice. Anything. He needed the reassurance that she was in fact alive, that the dreams he had every night of her dying in his arms wasn't real.

Now? He gets it. If he didn't have people that relied on him then he would be gone. As soon as he could check himself out he would retreat to the Hamptons and keep the phone off. He was in pain, angry with himself, and wanted to do nothing more than hide away. This was so completely opposite of his normal behavior. Usually, he needed people around him. He would drive his daughter and mother insane when he was the least bit sick. It's funny how a bullet can change you.

Maybe once Alexis goes back to school he could take off for a while. Go to the Hamptons to hide out, or maybe travel around once he has his strength back. He needed a change, because the thought of going back to his old life right now was too daunting.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. Kate had bags of food in her hands. He hadn't realized how long he had been lost in thought, or maybe he had fallen asleep? Either way, his stomach growled at the smell of the food, Chinese, and was anxious to eat for the first time since the shooting.

"I brought your favorites, and no soup. Is this ok, Castle?" Timid Kate. He wasn't used to this Kate. She rarely showed up. He liked the sexy, take charge, ass kicking Kate, but he also loved the meek, careful Kate that she only showed to him.

"It's perfect. Thank you." He tried for a smile. He wasn't sure what to do next. Should he invite her to eat lunch with him? Does he want her company? Did she want his? He turned to look at her. She was pulling the food from the bags and placing them on the tray over his bed. Once she had it all set up, and within his reach, she grabbed her chop sticks, grabbed a box of some chicken dish, and sat down. Well, guess that answers those questions.

He grabbed the first container closest to him. Lo mein noodles. Hmm? Not usually his first choice, but once he had it in front of him it sounded delicious. He looked over at her, and could see the smirk on her face. It was remarkable how well she knew him.

"Meredith was sort of right, you know."

"What?" Oh. He didn't really mean to say that out loud. He didn't really want to talk about it. This medicine was seriously messing with his already barely there filter.

"What you said early… about her not knowing much about me. She was right."

"Oh." He could tell she wanted to ask questions, but wasn't sure if it was her place or not.

"Part of it was because she didn't really care to know. I know you said she tried, and sometimes she would I guess, but I could tell she wasn't all that interested in knowing. She asked because she should ask, but not because she wanted to know my answers. It was a formality. The other part was that I didn't really trust her."

"Why? You were married, you didn't know how it would end."

"I guess so. I just, she didn't have my heart. I loved her, she gave me Alexis, but I knew that she wasn't my… partner."

"Gina?"

"We didn't talk. I could never have written a book about her." He chuckled darkly. Stupid mistake. Castle could see the hesitations on her face. "Go ahead. You can ask me questions."

"How can you marry someone that you can't even talk to? Who wouldn't want to talk to you?" The last statement was quieter, almost as if he wasn't supposed to hear that. It shocked him how honest that question was. She truly couldn't imagine someone not interested in what he had to say. Ya, that felt good.

"It worked for us. We worked together, and talked all the time about Derek Storm. We talked about our plans, Alexis on occasion, or events we were going to attend. It was superficial and all either of us wanted really. My first marriage wasn't really based on love either so I had nothing to compare it to. Kate, I didn't grow up with an example of a loving marriage like you did."

She was sitting there, listening to every word he spoke. She was biting her lower lip, like she did when presented with new evidence. He loved that look.

"I guess I never thought about that before. I guess I didn't realize the impact my parent's marriage would have on me, or how the lack of one had impacted you."

"Mother loved me. I knew that. I had friend's parents to look at, a few friends of my own in a good relationship. I just hadn't managed to find that for myself…"

Until you. He wanted to say it so badly, but wasn't sure if he meant it anymore. He was more open and honest with her than he had ever been with anyone. They were partners. This was the relationship he dreamed of. Except that dream died when she moved to DC.

"Is that why you left to find Alexis without me?" The question shocked him. He whirled his head over to look at her, but her head was downcast. Almost like she didn't want to hear the answer. Why?

"I left to get my daughter back, Kate. You know I'd do anything for her."

"So would I," came her whispered response.

Wow. He just… wow. He couldn't even respond. His mouth was agape and all he could do was stare at her.

She finally looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I was so mad at you when I realized you left without me. I would have gone with you. I wanted to be with you. I bought a plane ticket once I realized where you were. If you hadn't called me back I would've come to help you."

He knew he needed to say something. Anything. He still couldn't find the words. So she continued.

"You had drilled into my head for so long that we were partners. Every time my mother's case would resurface you were there for me. You kept me from falling, you were my rock, and the second you had something happen to your family you left. I get that she is your daughter, that she is first in your life, but I would have helped you, Castle. You should have let me be your partner. What's the point of having a partner when you leave them behind the second you need them the most?"

Oh. He didn't realize that he had hurt her when he left for Paris. He wasn't really thinking clearly, but he had purposely left out that he was going to find her from Kate.

"I… didn't. I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't mean to make you feel that way."

"It's fine, Castle. I get that you were focused on Alexis, I won't take that away from you. It all worked out ok, but I was scared as hell for her too."

"It's not fine. It was hypocritical of me to force myself in to your life, and keep you at arm's length in mine. I didn't realize I was doing it. I am sorry, Kate. I guess what Meredith said was right…"

"Stop it. I don't care what she said. You were right earlier, you are a different man than you were 20 years ago. You are wonderful, and had been a great partner to me. I shouldn't have talked with her before I talked with you. I should have told you about the conversation earlier. I have a lot of regrets about it, but I do not want you thinking she is right."

"But if she is…"

"She isn't. We both need to work on being more open, but that doesn't mean we are destined to fail. Hopefully we both have realized what our weaknesses are, and can work on being better… partners… in the future. "

"Is that why… Did that contribute to your… insecurities… about us?

She nodded.

"Thank you. For telling me. I didn't realize… I am sorry, Kate."

"It's ok, Castle. It's ok."

The conversation didn't really have anywhere else to go. They had both been able to talk about heavy emotional concerns and hadn't yelled at each other. In fact, he felt better having talked to her about his ex-wives. This conversation should have been had months ago. He felt like an idiot for keeping it from her, and even bigger idiot for not seeing how affected she was by Alexis' kidnapping. He had been so concerned about Alexis that he didn't realize Kate was struggling too.

He turned to look at her. She was picking at the food in front of her, trying to eat. Even though he was angry with her, couldn't trust her with his heart again, he still loved her for accepting him, believing in him, loving him and his family. Alexis' own mother wasn't as concerned and upset by the kidnapping, not like Kate was. She had her faults, but she was always a good partner. The best he ever had.

"Kate? Thanks for caring, about me. Alexis."

"Always, Castle."


	27. Broken Truce

**Look at me! Two chapters in one night! You are welcome ;)**

Rick Castle and Kate Beckett enjoyed the rest of their meal together. Rick had turned on the television in his room, and quickly found some trashy reality TV to watch to fill the silence. He didn't' want to interrupt the good feelings he had with Kate at the moment. It was nice just to relax with her, and not have the heavy, emotional baggage to wade through. It was important to talk, and they were doing a decent job of it so far, but he couldn't do it all day long.

Once they had finished, Kate cleared the food off the tray, and threw away the trash. She was taking her time, rearranging things multiple times, hoping to stay in the room for just a little longer. She felt good about their talk during lunch. It didn't end in tears or heartache, which had been their new normal as of late. She had even enjoyed laughing with him while people made idiots of themselves on the stupid TV. It was perfect.

With nothing left to fix, and absolutely no reason left to stay, Kate stood up to leave. She could feel his eyes on her, and she willed him to keep her in there. Even if they don't talk. Anything was better than nothing.

"Kate? Thanks for lunch. It was nice."

"Don't need to thank me, Castle. I probably owe you about 300 lunches over the years."

"I kept a tally, it was closer to 400, but I get the point." Good, he was still joking with her.

"Always trying to one up me Castle?" She smirked.

"Some things never change, Detective."

They both freeze. Some things never change, except she did. She isn't a detective. She changed practically everything about herself in the last few months. The easy feeling of the last 45 minutes was instantly broken with that statement. Kate looked down, in a silent acknowledgment that some things never change, but some do. Castle felt like kicking himself over and over again.

"So… this just got awkward." Castle tried to joke.

"Hmmm" Kate hummed her assent.

Awkward silence filled the room.

"Why did you ask me to marry you?" Kate finally blurted out.

Castle sighed. "I loved you."

"But why then?"

"I was so mad at you when I found that damn plane ticket to DC. I was shocked and could hardly believe that you had kept it from me. I went home, furious, and let it all out to Martha. She made the comment that it really wasn't my place to care. That even though we were in a relationship you didn't have a ring on your finger. No ring meant no commitment. So I tried to put a ring on your finger."

"A ring wouldn't have changed anything, Castle."

"Why not? You still would have flown off to DC without telling me if we were engaged? What if we had been married, Kate? Would you have left without telling me if I hadn't found the ticket?" Castles voice was starting to rise. His anger was returning, and it was difficult for him to keep his emotions in check.

"My commitment to you wasn't in question, at least not to me. I didn't tell you right away because I was scared you'd get pissed at me. I was scared your opinion would stop me from even trying. I was concerned about where we were headed, but I was in love with you. That wasn't affected by DC. It still hasn't."

"How can you say that you love me, that you still love me, when you took the job without even talking to me about it? That isn't love, Kate."

"Rick, you walked away after I said no. I had made the decision to leave, but I wasn't planning on ending our relationship. You heard no and walked away."

"From where I stand, Kate, deciding to leave was the end of our relationship."

"From where I stand, Rick, it was the only way to let our relationship be more."

"I still don't buy it. Letting Bracken control you, STILL, after everything. That is shit, Kate. It's shit and I hate that you are using that as an excuse."

"I don't know what else to say! I can't think like you do. I look at situations differently than you. Interviewing for the job, not telling you right away, that was me trying to figure out what to do. I was going to talk to you about it as soon as I knew the details. You? You have to talk it out right away. Nothing is secret with you. I don't work that way."

"So, explain to me Beckett, why you think it's logical to let a man who is nearly untouchable control our happiness. I can't figure it out. To me? He has won. He broke us, we have nothing left and our happiness is ruined, because you let him win."

"We aren't broken. He didn't win." Kate says in a deeper voice than normal. The thought that he won, that he destroyed her future, infuriates her. She will not accept it.

"It sure as hell feels like it."

"Remember how you felt when your shooter hadn't been caught yet? Remember the relief you felt when the boys got him and he confessed? Castle, I live in fear every day. I don't know what it feels like to feel safe. Bracken has sent several people to kill me, and you've almost been killed by him too. He won't stop. It's been quiet, yes, but it won't stay like this forever. Can you really tell me that you would be ok if we had a daughter, and Bracken uses her to get to me? What if we have a son and Bracken kills him to make a point? It may seem selfish, foolish, crazy, but I've seen too much death to be able to look on the bright side. I will not bring an innocent child into this mess. I will not leave my children motherless. It hurts too much."

The picture she painted for Castle was vividly horrific. He had envisioned what their children would look like before, in the quiet hours of the night when he couldn't shut his writer's brain off. He could picture both a girl and a boy. A perfect mixture of the two of them. He never told Kate that he pictured them married with kids, he was too nervous to spook her. It appears she was right there with him, but was scared for a different reason.

"So you went to DC."

"I went to DC."

"What if you never catch him, Kate? What if he is too powerful? Will you live in fear, or not live at all, for the rest of your days? That just… seems crazy to me."

"I will catch him. There is no other way…"

"You don't know that, Kate! You are amazing, I have watched you put killers behind bars for years, but what if this is too big? What if you wake up 10 years from now and you have no one left to live for?"

"I don't know, Castle. I don't know how to do this," she motions back and forth between the two of them, "and get justice for my mother, and safety for us. Do you?"

"We attack it like partners. I should have relied on you when Alexis was kidnapped, but you should have relied on me about DC. You should have talked to me."

"Castle, we didn't talk like this before. Sure, it's easy to say that now, but we didn't talk about the important, personal things. When did you buy the ring, Castle?"

"Why does that matter?"

"It matters. You know it matters."

"I bought it the day I proposed." Castle admitted quietly. It did matter and is a little ashamed of his answer.

"You weren't ready for marriage either," Kate deadpans.

"I wasn't ready to end our relationship. I love you, Kate! I didn't want to lose you."

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Rick, but I don't want to be another one of your ex-wives. You rush in to marriages you aren't ready for, or shouldn't even be in in the first place. I would have been another one of those if I had said yes. I love you, but it wasn't right. We have more to offer each other than a desperate engagement."

"Kate, you aren't like Meredith or Gina to me. I will admit to rushing it, and I will admit that I should've proposed under a different circumstance. I will not let you compare yourself to them."

"Why not? I'm not trying to be rude here, but this is sort of your M.O. Rick."

"Because I loved you! You. Not the idea of you, or because that is what a family should look like. It was you, Kate. You are it."

"Am I still it for you?" Kate asked.

"I… can't answer that. You said you'd give me time, I'm going to need it."

"Ok, Castle."

Just as he is about to ask her a question, he hears a knock at the door. They both look at the door and see Alexis standing in the doorway. Well, today is not turning out to be very restful, Castle thought to himself.

"Come on in, Pumpkin."

**Ok, so next chapter will obviously be about Alexis. I have an idea where I want that conversation to go. What I'd like to ask you readers is for any ideas/conversations you'd like to see the Kate and Rick have. I'd love to hear any thoughts you might have on where you'd like to see this go. Thank you for the continued support for this story. I've never written anything before, so your reviews are helpful and they make me feel great. Haha **


	28. You

Alexis entered the room cautiously. The tension in the room was palpable. She sort of wished she had just left, or sat outside until they were finished talking. That probably would have been the smarter idea. Unfortunately, she wasn't making very good decisions today. She had shown up earlier that day, gone crazy on Kate and then her dad, and then left to run errands. Truthfully, she was a little embarrassed by her actions. She had felt so out of control and helpless when she got the call from Kate. She was scared for her dad and took a lot of her emotions out on Kate.

Yes, she was pissed at Kate. She didn't trust her at all, and was hoping her dad would just move on like he always had done in the past. Alexis knew that this relationship was different though. Her dad wasn't going to bounce back from this one as quickly, if at all, which is why she feels the need to protect him. Kate promised her she was back for good, but her promises didn't really mean much to her. She had promised her once before that she would always protect her dad. She was visiting him in the hospital bed, so that promise was broken too.

She had shown up originally to check on him. She had been gone for a few hours, and wanted to go back to make sure he was still doing ok. Her dad was such a baby when it came to being sick or hurt, and he was probably going crazy being cooped up in the room. Her dad needed constant stimulation and attention, and she was hoping to distract him for a few hours. She wanted some one on one time with him. She missed him.

Alexis also knew she needed to apologize for the way she had acted earlier. She had overreacted a bit and was rude to Kate. She didn't forgive her, or really want her around, but she could recognize that she shouldn't have said all of that to Kate. It really isn't any of her business at this point anyways. She will tell her dad that they can talk later, she will wait.

"Hey Dad. Kate."

"Hey, Alexis" Kate replied. Trying to smile. She really hated that they were just interrupted. Not to mention she knew Alexis was going to chew her out again. Especially if she overheard their conversation…

"How much of that did you hear, Alexis?" Of course leave it to Castle to ask the awkward question.

"Enough," Alexis said. She looked right at Kate, "I need to apologize. I'm sorry for the way I talked to you earlier."

"Alexis. You don't have to apologize to me. You were right…"

"No, I was shocked you were in his room and I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you like that."

Kate nodded. "You have a right to voice your opinion."

"Dad? I also need to apologize to you… for not being patient. Kate, I have my opinions, and I think you both know where I stand, but I should've waited to talk to Dad. Alone."

"We will talk, as soon as I get out of here. Ok?" Castle replied.

"Ok. Great. So um… do you need anything?"

"No, Kate got us a late lunch earlier. I'm good. Kate?"

"No, I'm fine. Thanks Alexis."

"I'm going to leave you guys alone then. Sorry for interrupting."

"You don't have to leave sweetie. We can talk later…"

"Don't worry, Dad. We will have plenty of time to talk about when you get home. I'm going to use this time wisely while I can… get my break away from you before the diva in you comes out." Alexis replied with a smirk.

"Hey! I am NOT a diva. I require a certain amount of attention and delicacy when I'm sick, but that doesn't make me a diva. It takes a lot out of me to be this wonderful." Castle joked back.

"Uh huh. Sure! Keep thinking that, Dad." Alexis replied. "Oh, and just so you know… I think you both are acting like idiots."

With that, Alexis turned and walked out the door and closed it on her way out. She smirked to herself as she saw their slacked jaws as she passed the window. She heard Kate talking about her kidnapping, and she had to admit that it was nice knowing Kate cared about her. Then, hearing the two of them talk about their break up was… annoying? They both are so incredibly dumb for how intelligent they are. It was obvious they still loved each other, but whether they can work out their differences wasn't clear at this point.

"Did my daughter just call me an idiot?" Castle finally said.

"No, your daughter just called us both an idiot." Kate replied.

"How much do you think she heard?"

"Not sure. I didn't notice any one come in. She could've been there the whole time…."

"That was… unexpected. She usually gets upset, calms down, and comes back to apologize because she is amazing like that, but I honestly didn't think she would this time. I've never seen her act like this before."

"I am fine with her being angry with me. I'd hate me too if I was her."

"Lucky for us, my daughter is a better person than us both."

"She is wonderful, Castle. You did a great job raising her."

"She is, but it was nothing I did. I tried so hard to corrupt her, but she would put me in time out." Castle joked as a way to deflect the compliment.

"I'm serious. It's one of the first things that attracted me to you."

"So you do admit to liking me from the beginning!"

"No! You're crazy Castle. I thought we had decided this already. You were an ass, and I didn't like you. Yet." Kate ended with a smile. She had almost forgotten that conversation so long ago. She hadn't forgotten the bomb she stood on for hours, and she hadn't forgotten how wonderful it was to have his company with her.

"Denial."

"Incorrigible."

They were both smiling. It was nice to be able to joke around, reminisce. This part of their relationship was always so easy for them. If nothing else worked, they still had a strong friendship.

Kate's phone, which she had placed on an end table next to the chair, began to vibrate. She glanced down at, sucked in her breath, and then silenced the call.

"Who was that? One of the boys? Lanie?" Castle asked. He hadn't heard from the team all day and thought they might have more news.

"Uh, no. It was Stack."

"Oh."

"Yeah…" This was awkward.

"You can take it, I know they are probably wondering when you are getting back."

"I'm not going back, Castle. I told you already."

"You can't quit your job, Kate."

"I can and I did."

"Don't be stupid. I know that it is important to you. I don't want to be the one to keep you from this opportunity."

"I'm not leaving."

"You just told me that you took the job to get Bracken. You won't start your life with me or have a family until you take down Bracken. Now you are telling me you have quit and aren't going back?"

"When you put it that way…" Kate was certifiably crazy.

"There is no other way to put it! If you quit now, then the last 4 months were for nothing."

"I'm done with the separation, and I don't want to go back. Do you?"

"I told you before that I would go to DC with you."

"But DC isn't home. New York is. My friends are here. My family is here. You are here."

"What about Bracken?" Castle asked.

"He isn't going anywhere right now."

"That doesn't cut it. I can't wait around, watching you wait, for your next opportunity to catch him. I'm tired of putting my life on hold because of this guy. I won't do it again."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying… I don't want that piece of shit Bracken to determine my life anymore. I will not give up my life for it, and I won't waste my happiness for it. No more." Castle reiterated, feeling stronger about this decision.

Kate looked at him with a strong, determined look. "You are asking me to choose between you and him? Between you and justice?"

"I guess I am." Castle was already preparing for her answer. He knew what she was going to pick, and he knew just what she was going to say before she storms out of his room, out of his life. He hated that it had come to this, especially since he still feels partially responsible for reopening the case to begin with.

"You." Kate whispered.

"Wait. What?" Castle couldn't believe what she said. His ears didn't hear right.

"You." Kate said again, stronger. She lifted her head, looked him straight in the eyes. She had tears running down her face, and he could tell how hurt she was. "You," Kate said again.


	29. Life vs Love

"Kate…" Castle was shocked.

"I want you, Rick. I need you in my life. I just… we have to talk about him. I'm choosing you, I'll let go, but that doesn't mean we are safe."

"If we stop, then he will back off. That is what he has always said. We stop pursuing the case so he won't have any reason to come after us anymore."

"It doesn't work that way anymore. We know too much. This is about so much more now. If he is seeking the presidency, then he will need to make sure he doesn't have anything linking him to my mother's murder. He has to cover his tracks, and he will eventually come for me."

"You don't know that." Castle wanted to live in denial.

"I do, Castle. It isn't a matter of if any more. We are dealing with when now."

"We will never be free of this will we? You can pick me, promise that you are done, but it isn't that easy. You can't walk away. It's your life or his. That is the ultimatum, isn't it?"

"I will. We just have to… be smarter about this. There has to be a way…" Kate felt so helpless.

They were silent. This isn't one of Castle's novels where the problem could just be written away. They were playing with fire, and it had grown so out of control they were encircled by the flames. Every possibility he could think of was either unrealistic or stupid. Short of killing the man, he couldn't see a way out of it. There was no way she would run away, start fresh on some beach on the other side of the world. She wasn't a coward.

"What if there isn't? What if we can't catch him? What does your future look like to you?" Castle wondered. She so hastily left him for DC to protect the possibility of a future. If he is to believe she has chosen him, will leave the case behind, does that mean she wants marriage? A family?

"Well," Kate brushed back her hair, "I guess it really depends on where we stand."

Castle nodded. "Let's assume we get back together. What are we? Where do you want to go?"

"Dating, definitely. We are going to need time to work out some of the issues we've been ignoring. I see us married, later. I said it before, you are it for me. "

"What about kids?" he had to ask.

"This is so far away from where we are. I'm not really sure…"

"Kate, you brought them up. Do you see yourself as a mother?"

Kate paused. "Yes." She whispered to him.

"But you won't be a mom until you know they would be safe?"

"I'd like to say no, but I just can't do it. I can't put our kids through the pain I went through. I don't want them to lose their mom."

"You act like you have just signed your death certificate."

"That's how I feel! It may be irrational, it may be off base, but it is how I feel. I'm trying to be honest here, and I can't get past the feeling that it isn't over yet, Castle."

"Essentially, you think it's your life or our future. That's what you feel right now? "

Kate didn't respond. That was more or less a rhetorical question. She had already come to this conclusion, and that is why she left him, broken hearted, to find freedom from her past. It wasn't going to be easy, and there was a chance it wouldn't even work. There was an even greater chance that he wouldn't be there when she was finally free. Four months ago, that seemed like the only option. Now? Now, she was going to step back. Perhaps Castle was right… if they aren't actively pursuing Bracken, then maybe they would be safe.

"You do, don't you?" Castle finally answered his own question. "You really think you won't live long enough to have a relationship, a family, with me. Kate, do you have so little disregard for your own life?"

"Really?! First, you demand I choose between you and Bracken, and then when I do you get mad at my choice? I feel like I can't do anything right with you. What do you want me to say? That we are going to live happily ever after until we are 92 years old. It's not going to happen. I'm trying to be realistic here."

"This is so screwed up." Castle said while rubbing his hands over his face. The reality of their situation seemed insurmountable. The thought of losing her at all was threatening to drown him. He has already watched her nearly die once. Now that he knows what it's like to be with her… he may as well die with her. "I wish you had let him die."

"What?"

"I wish you had let him die, in that car bomb. He doesn't deserve to live." Castle said with such malice in his tone. It was disturbing to hear the truth behind his words.

"You would be ok with me knowing I was a murderer? You would be ok knowing I killed a man?" She paused and lowered her voice. "What would separate me from him?"

"You didn't plant that bomb. It wouldn't have been your fault. He is a monster." Castle replied.

She shook her head. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I want him to pay for what he has done, I want him gone forever, but I will not allow him to bring me to his level. Murder is not an option. You would have done the same thing if you had been in my shoes."

"Like hell I would have! The bastard deserved what was coming to him. I would do it, I would do it if I had the chance."

"Then you wouldn't be the man I have fallen in love with."

Silence was the only answer given. Rick was caught in the anger, the fear of what the senator brought to his life. Kate had a calm demeanor about her, like she was resigned to let fate (which she doesn't believe in) have its way.

"We can't live like this." Castle finally spoke, his voice laced with anger and regret.

"I know" Kate replied softly. She has known since the day she cut William Bracken's face.

Kate's phone vibrated again. They both looked at it, startled by the interruption. Stack was calling her again, for the 15th time since she told him she quit. She couldn't deal with him and the conversation she was currently having with Castle.

"Stack." Kate answered his questioning gaze.

"Hmmm…" Castle nodded. He was lost in deep thought. His writer's imagination was in overhaul with the worst possible outcomes. He was starting to sink into despair.

"Stack!" Kate nearly shouted. "Castle, what about Stack?!"

"I heard you the first time, Kate."

"No, I mean… what if we had Stack help us?" Kate felt like hitting herself. Why hadn't she thought of this sooner? She didn't need to be an agent to use the federal government's resources. She could have gone to Stack for help instead. "We can take it to him. He can get Bracken."

"Do you think… can he be trusted?" Castle felt uneasy with this plan.

"Definitely. I've worked with him for a while now. He is clean, knows his stuff. I think I trust him more than anyone else to handle this."

"Four months isn't a while. That is hardly any time at all…"

"Why aren't you more excited about this?"

"I don't want to put your life in _his_ hands…"

Kate looked at Castle for a moment. His hesitation and his reaction to Stack sent red flags up. That last sentence sealed it for her.

"It's Stack. You don't like him."

"I don't know him."

"And yet you don't like him. Why? He is a great guy, excellent at his job."

"So? Bracken looks like a great guy, that he is perfect for his job. We know how completely bull shit that is."

"Stack isn't Bracken, Castle. Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm ridiculous? You are if you think you can trust anyone else with this case!" He felt a little crazy for saying this. He could tell he was being ridiculous. For some reason, he couldn't stop himself.

"Castle? Are you… jealous?"

"Jealous? Jealous! No, I am not jealous of him."

Kate smirked. Yup, that reaction was the final nail on the coffin. Richard Castle was jealous of Stack.

"Kate, I'm not jealous. Why would I be jealous of him?"

"I left you for a job with him in DC. That's how you looked at it right?" She saw his head lower slightly. He wasn't going to admit the jealousy and he wasn't going to tell her she was right. "Rick. Look at me. You have nothing to be worried about."

Castle nodded, but dropped his gaze. It was going to take time to move past the hurt emotions DC brings up. They were talking, figuring things out, but it was still going to time to completely heal the wounds she made. To trust her.

"Want to know an embarrassing secret?" Kate finally said. This was definitely something she never wanted to tell him, but she knew how much it would help him. She could sacrifice a little of her dignity for his sake.

"I love secrets." Castle replied immediately.

"I wore my mother's ring on my left ring finger. I took it off the chain and put it on my finger in the airport before I left New York. I never took it off until I got back here."

"Why?" Castle eventually said after the shock of her secret wore off.

"At first it was to keep this creepy guy away. He kept staring at me from across the bar in the airport. I didn't want him to talk to me so I put it on my finger. Once it was there, I just… it felt right. I was leaving you, running away from your proposal, but I wanted it so badly that I wanted to pretend. Then, I got to the AG's office and it kept people from asking questions. They just assumed I had someone waiting for me at home. It felt… like I had a part of you with me."

"Wow." Castle had no words.

"Stack knew more or less about our relationship. I'm fairly certain he figured out that we had broken up, and that I wasn't actually engaged. He kept my secret."

"You trust him with this."

She nodded. "I trust him with this."

Castle took a deep breath. Released it. "Fine, call Stack."

**This story is officially a month old. Crazy! Thank you for your support through reviews, follows, PMs, etc. It's been an enjoyable journey thus far. I don't know how long I'll keep it going, I go back to work today (which I'm deeply depressed about), but I will try to continue to update frequently. Again, thanks for your continued support. It's been fun! **


	30. Five Years from Now

If Kate trusts Stack, and she vouches for him, then he knows that he should accept it. Kate has never been one to trust easily, so that should count for something too. Unfortunately, he just can't trust him. Maybe it was jealousy? Maybe it was because he didn't know him? Maybe Stack just isn't a likable guy? Either way, he couldn't fully get behind this. Castle thought it was a good idea, in a way, to get someone else involved. They had done so much, given up so much, for this case already. It was time to let someone else fight this battle. Yet, in the back of his mind he felt like he was betraying his promise to her. That he would be by her side when they brought the dragon to his knees.

Giving away the power to someone, like Stack, to finish the job they started felt sort of like writing a book, but letting someone else write the last few chapters. It was anticlimactic to say the least. Should they let this go? Can she even let this go? It just was so much to understand, comprehend, that Castle was struggling to even keep his head in the conversation right now. He heard himself just say, "Fine, call Stack". Now, he is staring at Kate. He is waiting to see if she will stand up and take the call in the hall so he can't hear, or if she will stay in here and let him be a part of this.

Kate can feel Castle's eyes on her. She is looking into them and seeing so much worry and doubt. She gets it. They just made a huge decision. Together. One that she can deal with and accept, but he is struggling with. It is going to be difficult to step back, let this case she has worked on for the majority of her life go, and let someone else take over. She has never before sat back and let someone do the work for her. This time is different though. She needs to be different. For him.

"Are you going to… call him in here or are you going to call him alone?" Castle finally said.

"I wasn't planning on calling him right now at all, Castle."

"Why? We just decided…"

"I'm not backing out on what we agreed. Show a little faith in me." Kate said while giving a self-deprecating chuckle. "I will call him, and when I do, you will be with me. We finish this together, like it should've been all along."

Castle nodded. He agreed. It should've never been Kate alone. He didn't need to bring that up though, they both knew it. "Why wait?" That is what he needed to know.

"You have a bullet wound in your back. You are in a hospital. This is more important."

The intensity behind her words, the truth he felt as she declared these statements was beautiful and comforting. She looked bold and determined, and ready for a fight if he dared question it. Kate was always stunning in the role of protector, and to have her feeling so strongly about him again was refreshing. It made him feel just a little bit special to have all of her attention and focus on him.

"How did you get the job offer?" Castle finally said. All of this talk of Stack brought up the questions he had involving the entire DC experience. He was dying to know what she did, if she liked it, what sort of cases she was on, and what Agent Beckett looked like. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear all of that yet, but he was curious how it all began. He never asked before she left.

"I lied to you, that night after the case with Stack. He wanted to talk to me about joining the AG's task force. He told me that I was destined for more than a NYPD Homicide Detective. That my way of thinking and handling a case would do well on a national level."

"He is right, you know. You are destined for more."

Kate left his little compliment alone. She had something else weighing on her mind. "He asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years."

"And?" Castle finally asked after it was clear she wasn't going to say anymore.

"I don't know how I should answer this." Kate finally said.

"Tell me what you said to him." Castle pushed.

"I didn't actually answer him. It wasn't his business, and it sort of felt rhetorical."

"Well obviously it's bothering you. Don't stop talking now, Kate."

"Well… I just… you need to know that my answer now is different."

"Ok…" This stalling thing was starting to freak him out. Kate's lack of confidence in this had him gearing up for an emotional blow. It was trying his patience to wait for her to spit it out.

"I thought about my job. I tried to picture myself content working in the 12th still in 5 years. Working for Gates, with you and the boys as my partners. Would I be bored? I don't think that bored is really the right word, because the murders and the victims deserve more from me than that. No, it wouldn't be boredom. Would it still be enough? Could I handle my life being exactly the same for another 5 years? I couldn't see that being a positive thing. I loved my job, and I was fine with it, but the promise of more was enticing. I just wasn't sure about everything else."

"Meaning our relationship?"

"Yes and no." Kate took in a deep breath to collect her thoughts. "Yes, I was worried about our relationship. We've talked about this already though. We'd grown almost complacent and I wasn't sure if more was an option at that point. I was too scared and stupid to ask you about it more than once. No, because I knew I loved you. I didn't doubt that you would still be in my life in 5 years. I can't see a future without you in it."

Wow. That was the most romantic thing he'd ever heard from Kate Beckett. He committed this moment to his memory.

"And now?"

"Now? I see you. I see us married, happily."

"That's it?"

"That's everything, Rick. The rest doesn't matter."

Well shit. He wishes he had recorded this whole conversation. He had longed to hear words like this from her for 5 years. It was almost too good to be true.

"Castle? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Kate asked. She wanted to gage where his head was at. She didn't want to assume that they were headed for forgiveness. Headed towards a relationship.

"If you had asked me four months ago I would have said married to the love of my life. I'd have written a few more Nikki Heat books, and at least 2 more made into movies. I'd still be working in the 12th with you, but only when… " he paused not sure if she would like where his head was at. He decided it didn't really matter, he should be honest. "our kid was in school or Mother could watch him. You would still be the best badass detective, and an even better mother. I might have been pushing for another kid too."

It made her heart hurt and her eyes water to hear what they were missing out on. She could picture this life. She could almost feel the happiness from this dream life.

"And now?" Kate repeated his words back to him.

"Honestly?" He paused, trying to sort through his emotions, through the fear and pain, to the truth. "I want that same future. Married, kids, the whole picture. I just… I don't know where you stand professionally. I can't picture what it looks like."

Kate took a moment to collect her emotions. His words had filled her with hope. She chocked back the tears and sob that threatened to burst out of her. This was by no means a forgiveness, and she expected to work for it, but at least she had hope. The journey was going to be filled with ups and downs, but it would be worth it if this was their end.

"I quit my job. I don't know where I stand professionally either. I don't know really what I want, or what I should do, but we can talk about that later."

Did she just say we? _We_ can talk about that later. Yes, she did. Castle couldn't help but grin a little.

"Going back to DC isn't an option. I miss my family here too much. I miss you too much. I don't know if my job at the 12th is even an option anymore, but we can worry about that when you get out of here."

"I told you once before that I would go with you." Castle replied. He would follow her anywhere.

"Your life is here. Alexis goes to school here. Martha lives here. Your job is based in New York. Our friends are here. No, I don't want to take you from your life for me. It isn't worth it."

"When did you get so wise, Beckett?"

"When I lost my life four months ago."


	31. Different Sides of Kate

**Two in one day AND this is my longest chapter yet! This is for thaolu9 for the great idea of writing a jealous Kate. I have no idea if it worked, so I apologize now if this chapter sucks. :)**

"Kate, you lost your way. You didn't lose your life." Castle spoke softly. He was joking with her, trying to lighten the mood when she dropped that response. It was heartbreaking to hear the description of her take on the last few months. It made it hurt just a little less to know that it had killed her just as much as it had killed him.

Kate's head hung low, her voice laced with emotion. "I am sorry, Rick. I am truly, deeply sorry for lying to you about Stack, DC, everything. I handled myself poorly and for that I will always be disappointed in myself."

"I forgive you." Castle whispered with just as much emotion.

Kate lifted her head. Her eyes caught his and their gaze locked. It had been so long since it felt this right staring into each other's eyes. Both had tears swimming in their eyes, as they held both released some of the pain that had built up over their separation. It was obvious to both Kate and Rick that they still had plenty to work through, talk about, even fight about. However, they were going to work, talk and fight. It was worth it. Their journey was far from over, they still had an always to get to.

"Do you remember, back when we first started working together, when you looked in to my mom's case? You found information and told me what you had done. I was so mad at you, Castle" Kate chuckled. "I wanted you to leave me alone, we worked our last case together, and said goodbye. I was ready for you to go, because my anger is what kept me going for so long. I couldn't trust you with this case or with my friendship. Then, you showed up and apologized. You were so sincere, more sincere than I had ever seen you before. That apology saved our friendship, our partnership, and eventually my life. That moment has stuck with me for 5 years. I hope you realize that I am coming to you, humbled, just like you came to me that day."

"It was Alexis." Kate looked at Castle with a question in her eyes so he continued. "Alexis came home upset about a boy. She said she didn't understand why guys had to make excuses about everything, that she just wished they would take responsibility for their actions. I realized I had done that to you. I had all the right reasons for opening up the case, and plenty of excuses to give you about going behind your back, but the bottom line was that I messed up. So, I apologized."

"I messed up, Rick. No excuses, no reasons, just… I am sorry."

"I know I played a part in where we are right now. I am sorry too, Kate."

"I forgive you." Kate said with a smile. She felt good.

A knock at the door alerted them to the visitor in Castle's room. They turned to see the ever dramatic Martha Rogers entering the room.

"Hello darling! Katherine. How are we doing today?"

"Mother. Nice of you to show up. Did you just wake for the day?"

"Don't listen to him, Martha. It's nice to see you again." Kate said politely.

"Nonsense! It's almost 8 pm Richard. I've been up for a few hours. I brought you dinner, and good news."

They had been so busy talking they hadn't been paying attention to anything, but their conversation. Now that food has been mentioned, and he can smell the dinner his mother brought, he realized he was starving. In fact, he felt more famished than he had ever felt before. He needed to eat. Now.

"Hand the food on over, Mother. You can talk while we eat." Castle replied.

The food was handed out. She had stopped at Remy's for burgers and shakes. Comfort food.

"Martha? You said you had good news?" Kate asked once all the food had been passed out.

"Oh, yes, dear. I am going out tonight with a surgeon. Actually, Richard, it was one of the surgeons that worked on you. He is such a nice man…"

"I am glad you could make my shooting work for your social life" Castle quipped.

"Oh, hush. I've made lemonade, dear. Besides, I can talk to him tonight, perhaps persuade him into letting you come home early."

"How kind of you Mother. Way to take one for the team."

Martha and Kate chuckled. It felt remarkably light in the room. It was shocking to think back in just the last 24 hours, how different everything already was. He was joking about his shooting with his mother, Kate was in his room enjoying the banter, and he himself felt… good. He stopped listening to Kate and his mother talk about the details for the evening; he didn't care to know the specifics. In a twisted sort of way, this bullet was one of the best things that has happened to him in a while.

"Richard?" Martha called to him, bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Yes, Mother."

"How are you?"

Castle looked to Kate, but she wasn't in the seat any longer. He really must have spaced out to not even hear her leave.

Martha followed his eyes. "I asked her to give us a minute, I thought you heard."

"No, I uh… was thinking."

Martha looked into her son's face. She could read his so easily. "How are you?"

"I'm feeling fine. I'm still on these meds that make me fuzzy and narcoleptic. Apparently tomorrow I can start getting up and moving. Using the bathroom on my own. Super excited about that!" Castle joked.

"Good, that's good, dear. Not what I meant though." Martha gave him the look. She could see that he was stalling.

"I'm good. We are talking, being honest. It's actually been really good, to have her here."

"What does this mean? Are you and Katherine together?" Martha wasn't going to back down. She pushed him to really think and evaluate his feelings. He loved that she was always there for him, helping him to better himself.

"No, we aren't there yet. I'm not ready for that. I do know that we will get there though. I love her, Mom. As much as I thought I didn't, as much as I tried to deny it, she is it for me."

Martha nodded her head with a smile. "Don't wait too long. That's what got you into this mess in the first place." Martha winked.

With that she stood up, leaned over and kissed his head, and grabbed his hand. "I don't say this often, and I don't want you to get used to it, but I love you, my boy. I'm glad you're ok." Martha released his hand, pushed back her hair, and left in the same dramatic flair as she entered the room.

Castle had a soft smile on his face as he watched her leave. She was crazy, and flamboyant, and too much to handle sometimes, but he was so glad to have her. Martha could help him cut through his issues quicker than anyone. She didn't sugarcoat the truth. Martha Rogers was his sounding board, God help him.

She brought up a good point. He wasn't ready for a relationship yet. He needed a little time to make sure he could trust Kate again. His heart loved her, but that didn't mean it was ready to let her back in completely. So, how long should this wait be? When will he be ready for more? One thing he did know, was that it was when, not if. He was sure of that.

Another knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. Castle had been awake for the last few hours, without a nap, and he was losing focus quickly. He wasn't ready to sleep, but he knew he wouldn't be able to fight the pull much longer. He looked towards the door expecting to see Kate, but instead he found one of the most attractive nurses he had ever seen.

In fact, as he nodded for her to enter he realized that he _knew_ this nurse. He had dated her a few times years ago. She had long, wavy blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, and was a perfect size 2. Basically, she was a dream girl. Jessica, that was her name, had been pretty fun. She was still going to nursing school then, recently left home for the first time, and looking to try new things. It was a mutually beneficial relationship, if you could even call it that. Rick would take her on rich, expensive dates, and in turn she would keep his mind off his divorce from Gina.

"Ricky! I saw your name and asked to be your nurse while I'm on shift tonight. I can't believe you've been shot." Nurse Jessica said in a voice just a little too high for his liking. Great, he was going to have to make awkward small talk with an ex-girlfriend while she changes his bandages, near mostly naked backside.

"Well, you know me… I'm always looking for trouble." Castle tried to joke.

"Hey, Castle, I brought you some… Oh. Sorry, I didn't realize you had company." Kate said while entering his room. Perfect. Two ex-girlfriends in the room. This wasn't awkward at all.

"No, it's fine. Kate, this is Jessica. She is my nurse for tonight."

"I'm just catching up with Ricky here. Making sure his wound site is kept clean and infection free." Jessica said with an all too sweet smile on her face to Kate. She turned to Castle, "Ricky, I was so worried about you when I saw what had happened on the news. I just couldn't imagine the pain you must have been in, how scared you were. Poor baby."

Who the _hell_ was this chick and why the _hell_ did she think she could talk to _Ricky_ this way? Oh, Kate was fuming. She had to bite her tongue to keep from shouting out to shut the hell up or tell her that it was none of her damn business. She clenched her fists to keep her anger in check.

"It was fine, Jess, really. The NYPD caught the guy, and I'm just glad it all worked out ok." Castle said with his "I'm a bestselling author voice and smile". Maybe if he kept the conversation light she would finish up and leave quickly. This was such an awkward situation. He kept looking at Kate, her expression was hard to read, but he could tell she was just as uncomfortable.

Jessica leaned closer as she finished changing the bandages. "It looks good, Ricky. Mmm, so does the wound." Jessica ran her hand from the bandage down to just above his boxers. "Your butt is still as cute as I remember." She whispered the last sentence to him, but Kate was able to hear it.

"Thanks _Jess. _We will call if we need you." Kate announced. She felt like punching this bitch for touching him.

Jessica caught the look Kate was giving and realized maybe she had read the situation wrong. Rick Castle had been reported as single again on Page 6 so she thought she had been given a 2nd shot with him. Clearly the lady in the room was more than just a friend. Damn.

"Ricky? Is there anything else I can get you?" That didn't mean she couldn't mess with him for old time's sake.

"No, we are good. Thanks Jess."

"Call if you need me, for anything." She said with a wink. She leaned in one more time and kissed his cheek.

Kate was seeing red.

As soon as she left the room and shut the door Kate said, "Who the hell was that, _Ricky_?"

"Um… Jessica?"

"Oh, believe me. I caught her name. What I want to know is who she is."

"I've known her… for a while. This is the first time I've seen her in probably 8 years." Damn right he isn't going to say much else. Kate looked pissed and he wasn't sure how to handle this.

Kate narrowed her eyes. "Why does she call you Ricky? Ugh! Ricky?! You are NOT a Ricky."

"Well, she was… um… we dated. 8 years ago. Kate, I swear I haven't seen her since I broke up with her." He isn't sure why he felt like he needed to defend himself. It's not like this was his fault. Kate just seemed so mad… too mad…?

"I don't like her. What was that anyway? I saw her touch your butt, Castle. That is sexual harassment!" Kate's voice was getting louder and she was growing more animated as the conversation continued. This was a new Kate. A Kate he wasn't used to…

Oh. He remembers one other time when she was this worked up. It was right after they had started dating and she caught that TV lady kissing him on his fake date with her. This was Jealous Kate. Oh, he loved Jealous Kate.

Castle smirked. "You are jealous of Jessica." He was trying so hard not to laugh.

"I am not jealous! I just can't believe you are ok with how unprofessional "Jess" was acting towards you."

"You are so jealous!" Castle said. His grin was ear to ear.

"She kissed you, Castle! I haven't even kissed you. This is NOT jealousy, so stop saying that." Kate felt outraged. It was even more maddening knowing that Castle wasn't even upset. In fact, it looked like he was enjoying it!

"Oh! So this is what this is about. Jealous Kate is upset that Nurse Jessica kissed me before she did. Don't worry, Kate. You have nothing to be worried about." Yep, he was enjoying this.

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. She would not admit to being jealous. Nope, no way. That little smirk on his face was only making it worse. So, before she could stop herself, Kate leaned in and kissed the smirk right off his face. She had done it so many times in the past that at first she hadn't even realized what she had done. Then, she realized what was happening.

She was kissing Rick Castle.

Damn, it felt good. It wasn't a passionate kiss, or a sweet peck on the lips. It was just… right. Time stood still as they reconnected physically.

She pulled away after a few seconds. She was still hovering over his bed. Kate couldn't make herself step back from him. Instead, she found their eyes, once again, locked on to each other. She was worried that she had gone too far. They hadn't talked about boundaries yet. She pulled her bottom lip in and bit it, waiting to see what his reaction would be.

Castle was speechless. All coherent thoughts left when their lips had touched. Even now, after she pulled away, he still couldn't make his brain process the kiss from Kate.

"Wow." Castle finally breathed out.

"Wow? Is that a good wow or a bad wow?" Nervous Kate. He liked Nervous Kate almost as much as Jealous Kate.

"Good. Definitely good. Feel free to kiss me every time you feel jealous, Kate."

She chuckled. Good, he wasn't upset. She finally decided that standing this close was approaching Castle creepy so she stepped back and sunk into her chair.

"I wasn't jealous." Kate smirked. They both knew better than to believe her.

"Whatever you say, dear."

Before Kate could respond, Castle yawned. It was getting late, and he hadn't slept for hours. She felt bad for keeping him from resting like the doctor had asked for. She was so involved in trying to fix their relationship that she monopolized his time. Damn. She kept making stupid mistakes.

"Castle. I am sorry, I should've been resting today…."

"Stop, Kate. It's fine. I've been fine. I've slept plenty…"

"You need to rest more. It's the only way to heal faster. I'll just…"

"No. Don't go… please?"

Their little constant interrupting would have been cute if they had been paying more attention to what they were doing. Castle kept cutting her off to stop her from apologizing for no reason, and Kate's guilt made her interrupt his refusal.

"Castle, I'm not going anywhere." Kate didn't understand why he was questioning this now. She thought they covered this today.

"I don't want to sleep alone… the nightmares…" Castle trailed off. He wasn't ready to talk about it. Luckily, he wasn't quite as stubborn as Kate when it came to asking for help. He knew she could help him fight the darkness that was sure to come in his dreams.

Kate grabbed his hand. "You aren't alone anymore. Go to sleep, I'll help keep the monsters away."


	32. A Light in the Darkness

**I almost deleted this chapter like 10 times. I apologize if it isn't very good. I'm struggling with balancing my time between teaching, personal life, and writing. I am not sure how much longer this story will continue. I don't plan on cutting it off without a proper ending, but it will be coming soon. I get students on Monday, and my life will be even crazier/stressful. Thank you for your support thus far, and as always, feel free to let me know if you have any ideas you'd like to see in this story. Thanks!**

After a quick bathroom run, some situating of pillows, and an awkward goodnight handshake from Castle, Kate found herself sitting next to an asleep Castle. She wasn't even remotely tired. She has so many thoughts running through her head that she couldn't foresee any sleep in the few hours. Her body was aching with inactivity, but if Castle has to be in a hospital then she would not leave his side. Not again.

The last few hours went well. They were able to be completely honest with each other, and they were able to make some headway on their future. She _kissed_ him again. She couldn't get the smile off her face, not that she really needed to. It was everything she hoped it would be. The kiss itself wasn't anything special, but the feelings it ignited were. She knows Castle is hers, she doesn't doubt that now. That kiss… physically reaffirmed her belief. There was absolutely no way she would walk away from a man that kissed her like that.

Eventually, Kate was able to fall asleep for a few hours. Exhaustion was finally the only way to keep her mind quiet enough to sleep. She had only been asleep for a few hours when she was suddenly woken up by a loud noise in the room. Instinctively she reached for a gun that was not at her side while her eyes tracked the room. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest, even after she realized they were alone in the room.

Kate's eyes finally looked down to Castle. Her gaze started at his feet and slowly moved upward, to look for any signs of distress. Also, to reassure herself that he was still her with her. Sometimes her nightmares were too vivid for her to differentiate between real life and dream world. It was nice having him so close to check.

When she finally reached his face, all the air left her lungs. His face was twisted in pain and fear. He must have made a noise, called out to her, or something. She had never seen him look this way before.

"Castle? Castle. You need to wake up, Rick. You are ok, it's just a dream. Wake up." Kate quietly soothed over and over again while rubbing her hand up and down his arm.

_Castle was in the park walking around. He couldn't tell where he was going, or why he was even in the park. Someone was waiting for him to get there. Maybe if he could find their meeting place he would get answers. The further he walked, the colder the temperature fell. It felt like a bad idea to keep walking, but he didn't know what else to do._

_Off in the distance, Castle could make out a figure next to some bushes. The closer he came to the figure, the more scared he felt. He couldn't turn back now. The figure had turned and was beckoning him to come closer. Closer to the bushes. Those bushes were so familiar…_

_After what seemed like an eternity, he finally reached the figure. His eyes roamed the area. A cold chill ran through his body when he finally realized where he was. He was standing in the spot he had been shot. Why was he here?_

_His eyes moved from the bloody spot in the grass to identify the figure before him. His eyes racked up the still too-dark image, even through the darkness he could tell who it was. Meredith. _

"_Hey Castle."_

_Castle? Meredith doesn't call him Castle. Richard or Kitten, but never Castle._

"_Castle! Shouldn't you have some charming hello and a coffee for me? Hello? I've been waiting for you."_

_It was Meredith's body. Meredith's voice. Kate's attitude? _

"_Who are you?" He finally croaked out._

"_Seriously? Why are you acting so strange? This is weird… even for you?" The last part was whispered, but loud enough for him to overhear. _

"_Kate? What are we doing here?"_

"_So he does know who I am! Get this man a prize."_

"_Why are we here, Kate?" He was starting to get agitated with this Kate. She was being rude, and not letting him know what was going on._

"_Isn't it obvious?"_

"_Kate. Please just tell me what is going on. I don't get it."_

"_No surprise there. When do you ever get it? That's why we are here."_

"_What?"_

_Meredith-Kate chuckled darkly, "Don't play dumb with me, Castle. You know what you've done. You know you aren't good enough. It's time to end this pain for me. You aren't worth it anymore."_

"_But I thought… you said you wouldn't leave…" Castle said while drowning in confusion._

"_Leave? Honey, I'm fleeing! Who would want… you?" Kate spit out. Her face skewed in disgust._

"_Don't go. Stay. I promise to be better."_

"_Too late." Kate said while lifting a gun that appeared. She pointed it straight at his heart. "You aren't worth my time. No one will miss you. In fact, I'm doing us all a favor."_

"_No, wait. You don't have to do this."_

"_Oh, but I do." She pulled the trigger._

Castle shot up out of bed, panting. His hands clutched his heart where he had been shot. Excruciating pain shot through his body as he tried to figure out what had happened.

"Rick. Hey, Rick, you are safe. You need to calm down and sit back. You are going to hurt yourself." Kate whispered soothingly. She could see how upset the dream had been.

Castle was still shaking from the nightmare. He was starting to realize that it had been a dream. It had seemed so real to him. It truly felt like Kate, the Kate in Meredith's body, had hated him. That he had done something so terrible to her that she was willing to kill him. He could feel real Kate next to him, stroking his arm, whispering. It was almost too much for him to handle.

"Castle? Are you backing with me yet?"

"Yeah…" he finally whispered.

"Nightmare?"

Castle nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Castle shook his head. He couldn't figure the dream out, much less talk to her about it.

"I'm here if you need me, Rick. You know that right?"

Castle nodded. No need to try to talk really. She would hear his pain in his voice anyways.

Kate continued to reassure him with a slight caress on his arms, head, and back. Safe zones. She could feel his heart still pounding in his chest, and the look on his face confirms that this nightmare shook him.

"I need to call the nurse in here, I'm worried about the stitches."

"I'm fine. Just… give me a minute."

"What if you ripped them out…?"

"You can check." The last thing he needed was Jessica in here.

Kate nodded and reached to move the hospital gown away from the wound. She could see blood soaking through the bandages and knew that he had pulled some of the stitches out. She was going to need to call _Jess_ in to check, but she was fairly certain that was the case. She carefully adjusted the garment back in place, and moved to press the call button for assistance before he had a chance to protest.

"You pulled them out. I can see blood through the bandage so we are going to have to get someone in here to check it out. I'm sorry, Castle."

Castle didn't make a move to acknowledge the information, or even to protest. He had his head hung and was staring at his hands clasped in his lap. The haunted look in his eyes still hadn't left. Kate was beginning to worry that something was really wrong. Maybe he was in more pain than she thought.

Kate moved to grab his hands in hers. "Castle."

When he still didn't acknowledge her, she used her other hand to raise his head. She bent forward to look into his eyes. She needed to see his face.

"Castle," she pressed further, "I need you to talk to me."

"I…" Castle began.

"Ricky, you rang?!" Jessica said with more excitement than necessary. If only Kate had her gun…

Castle turned his head to look at Kate. She could see the confusion and betrayal in his expression. She squeezed his hand before she lifted her eyes to Nurse Jessica.

"Yes, I called because I think he ripped out his stitches. Would you mind checking it for us?" Kate emphasized the word us. Sure, they weren't officially together, but she wanted her to know Castle wasn't unavailable to her.

"Oh, sure. What happened, Ricky?"

"_Rick _moved funny. No big deal." Kate replied for him. She knew how private he truly was, despite the playboy persona he has adopted. There is no way she was going to tell Jessica that a nightmare caused this.

Jessica removed the bandages, and could see the bottom two stitches had been ripped out. Fortunately, the wound looked like it was healing nicely and she didn't think that he would need to have more put it in. She cleaned the site again, re-bandaged the wound, and then pushed Castle's back onto the bed.

"You did rip a few stitches out, but I don't think we need to worry about putting new ones in. When the Doc rounds in a few hours we can ask his opinion, but you will be fine for the rest of the night."

"Thanks." Both Castle and Kate said at the same time.

"Sure thing. Call me again if you need anything. _Ricky,_ take it easy ok?" Jessica replied. She was enjoying messing with the chick in his room. It was obvious she didn't like it when she referred to him as Ricky. She was worried she might even develop a tick.

"I will, Jess. Thanks." Castle mumbled. He didn't really care what was going on right now. He was in pain, tired, and still upset from the dream.

Once Jessica left the room, Rick could feel Kate's eyes on him. He knew she wanted to talk about the dream. He knew she was worried. He just couldn't bring himself to talk to her about it. He just wanted to forget about it and fall into a dreamless sleep.

"I know you want me talk about it, but I can't right now Kate. It's too much…"

"Rick, I really hate Jessica."

Castle whipped his head up and stared at Kate like she had just grown an extra head. When he finally processed what she said he burst into laughter. He thought she was going to push him to talk, make this into more than it was. He was preparing for a fight. Instead, she wanted to talk about Jessica? He fell just a little more in love with her.

"I could tell. You never call me Rick when other people around. You are not a fan of Ricky." He was still chuckling.

"No! I can't believe you were ok with someone calling you that. It's so… not you."

"I'm different now, Kate. 8 years ago it was fine, I wasn't sober much when I was with her anyways. Now? It would bug the hell out of me."

"I can't wait for the shift change. That woman… she is lucky I don't have a gun on me anymore."

Castle chuckled. "It's funny when you threaten someone other than me."

"Well, you haven't bothered me. Yet." She smirked.

"Yet. Give it another day. Right, Beckett?"

"Another day? That seems pretty generous to me, Castle. I was thinking more in terms of hours."

"Hours? Come on, Kate. Getting shot should at least buy me more than 48 hours."

"Fine," Kate smiled and grabbed his hand. "You have one more day. Use it wisely."

He looked down at their entwined hands. He isn't sure when they began touching each other so freely again. It seems like Kate is always touching him, and she is growing bolder. He isn't sure when she started doing it, but he liked it. He had missed her comforting touch.

"Kate?"

"Ricky?"

"Hey. If you don't want me to start calling you Katie, then you better be careful."

Kate raised both hands in the air. "I surrender. Katie… that's what my dad calls me." She said with the cutest, disgusted look on her face.

"Well, this just got weird." Castle joked.

"Castle. What were you going to say?"

"Just… thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything. I couldn't… do this without you."

"I love you, Rick."

"I love you, Kate."

In that moment, they both realized it was going to be ok.


	33. What Comes Next? Part 1

The rest of the night found both Castle and Beckett fast asleep, without any more dreams. Each had a small smile on their face, and their hands clasped tightly together. In the quiet of the night, they could pretend the last few months hadn't happened, that he wasn't in a hospital with a gunshot wound, or that they weren't actually a "they" anymore. No, at this moment life was perfect. Safe, happy, together.

Much like the day before, Dr. Marshall woke Rick and Kate as he entered their room. The doctor noted, with some interest, that the two seemed much more relaxed today than the day before. He could tell by just their postures. The gossip in the nurse's station was centered primarily on the two occupants of this room. Many had bets on whether or not the writer and his muse were back together again. He was starting to wonder if perhaps they actually were a couple. If he had to guess, based on this moment, he would say yes. However, he has also heard the nurses discussing the arguments they've overheard. To say the nurses loved this free entertainment would be putting it lightly. This was better than television.

"Good morning, Kate. How are you feeling today, Rick? I see in the chart you had some issues with your stitches last night?"

"I, um, ripped a few out I guess. I moved wrong…" Castle stumbled out. He had slept so well that he had nearly forgotten the nightmare. The reminder of the stitches brought back all of the images and feelings from a few hours ago.

"Well, let me take a look at it. Jess seems to think they are ok, but I'd like to make sure. Wouldn't want our celebrity patient to give us a bad report now would we?" Dr. Marshall joked. Although, Rick donated a crap ton of money to the hospital after Kate was shot. He was so grateful she pulled through that he made sure the hospital had plenty of funds to keep the hospital running well. So, maybe it wasn't much of a joke.

Castle leaned forward and gritted his teeth. It hurt to move his body forward and sit up. It pulled the stitches. In addition, his back was sore, and the wound had a dull ache to it. He refused to mention this to anyone because he didn't want to be in a drugged stupor anymore. He wanted to be fully alert and cognizant, especially with Kate around, so he decided to just bare the pain. It wasn't that bad after a while anyway.

"You can lean back now, Rick. I'm going to agree with Jess and say that you are going to be fine. In fact, you are healing quite nicely. As I told you yesterday I would like to get you up and moving a little today. Your muscles have been inactive for a few days so you are going to be sore. Take it easy, and very slow. Do not try to walk unassisted or you could do more damage than good. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir." Yes! This is one more step towards freedom.

"Kate? Don't let him rush this ok? He still has swelling around the site and I don't want him to overexert himself. If he does," Dr. Marshall pauses to look back at Castle, "he will have to spend even longer in this hospital room. He doesn't want that now does he?"

"Don't worry. I'll make sure he takes it easy."

"Hey! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You act like I'm going to run a marathon as soon as you leave the room. " Castle faked a scowl.

"Come on, Castle. We both know you couldn't run a marathon if you wanted to, and that was before the bullet wound." Kate joked.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny, Kate. I thought you were here to have my back, not stab it."

"I'm sorry, Castle. You can run a marathon with me as soon as you get out of here. Just to prove you can do one. Ok?" Kate tried to say without smiling.

"Speaking of which," Dr. Marshall decided to cut in even though they were amusing, "I feel ok releasing you tomorrow. That will depend, however, on a few things. First, you need to be able to walk around without assistance. Now, I know I just told you that you weren't allowed to today, but if Kate thinks you can do it alone this afternoon, you can try."

"Kate? I am perfectly capable of making that decision." Castle said.

"Yes, but I have a feeling she is going to be in charge of your recovery. Right?"

Silence.

Awkward silence.

They hadn't talked about what they would do when he was released. She didn't have her apartment anymore. She was jobless. It terrified her how out of control her life had become in such a short amount of time.

Castle wasn't sure if he should offer her a room at the loft? Are they really ready to move in together? Was he willing to trust her again? There were too many unanswered questions.

Finally, Castle spook up. "Kate is very good at being bossy. So, she will be in charge of my recovery whether I like it or not." Joking is the only way out of this awkward situation.

Dr. Marshall looked between the two of them. Well, I guess that answers that question. No, they are not together. It's obvious they want to be, but something is preventing their relationship…. Wait. I am a damn doctor. Why do I even care about this? He needed to get out of here before he felt like a doctor on Grey's Anatomy.

"Second, as long as you have someone there with you at all times for the first week then you will be fine to go home. Before you leave, we will set up a schedule for you to attend PT. It's going to be a few months of recovery, Rick. I know you want to get your life back to the way it was before, but you are going to need to be patient."

Dr. Marshall didn't realize how true that statement was. It applied to more issues than just his back too.

"I understand. Thank you, Doc, for everything." Castle replied.

"No problem. Is there anything you have questions about that I can answer for you before I head out?"

Rick looked at Kate. She had been very quiet, too quiet. He could tell she was only half listening to their conversation. Her head was somewhere else entirely, and he had a pretty good idea what was on her mind.

"No, I can't think of anything. Kate?"

"Huh? Oh, no. Thank you, Doc, for everything." Kate stumbled through the statement.

"Funny. That's what your boy just said too. Ok, talk to the nurses if you think of anything. Remember… slow and steady wins the race. Take it easy."

Castle smiled. "I got it."

The door shut leaving the two former partners alone once again. Rick turned his head from the door to the still quiet Kate. Her head was bowed and he could just imagine that she was biting her lip. Her hands were clenched in fists and her knuckles were turning white. She was worried about something.

"Kate? Talk to me."

This moment was huge. This moment would tell him if Kate had really changed, if she was really ready for a relationship. He knew how difficult it was for her to not be alone to process something that upset her before she could talk about it. He knows this about her, yet he is asking her to be open with him right now. To process with him. _Please don't hide from me, Kate._

A very stressed minute later, Kate looked up. She had tears in her eyes and she looked scared. It jarred him to see her look so unlike what he was used to.

"What am I going to do?" Kate mumbled.

"About what?"

She looked back down. "I quit my job. I used a lot of my savings on my place in DC. I gave up my apartment in New York. My friends hate me. I broke your trust. What am I going to do?"

"They don't hate you, Kate. They were upset, rightfully so, but you know they will forgive you. They missed you, and they aren't going to turn a cold shoulder to you now. Give it some time, Kate."

He wasn't sure what else to say. Everything inside of him was screaming to offer her the loft. It would be so easy to fall back in to their relationship. She wouldn't need to go back to work. They could spend their days together, doing whatever they pleased, and learning to love each other again. The picture was so appealing that he wanted to shout it at her right away. Was that rushing things though? It seemed like it be more like taking a step back.

The last few days have been wonderful with her by his side, talking. It has renewed his faith in love, in their relationship. However, if they blindly jump into living together they run the risk of falling back into their same traps. Using sex and life to get in the way of actually talking. If they are truly moving towards marriage, Castle knows they will need to learn communication skills before they can co-habitat.

"I can help you… get back on your feet."

"No, I appreciate it Castle, but I need to do this."

"Of course. How could I forget?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you are so damn independent that you never fully let me in! Why wouldn't you let me help you? It's ridiculous for you to suffer, to worry about something so stupid as money, when I can help! It's selfish, Kate."

"Selfish? How is this selfish? I made this mess, now I have to fix it. It's simple."

"Yes, you made a mistake, but that doesn't mean you get to play a victim. You admitted to the mistake and now it's time to move on."

"And letting you pay for everything is moving on? No, I don't think so."

"Yes! Yes, it is moving on! Don't you see what you are doing? This is the same fight we have been having for years and I can't take it anymore! You are pushing me away, trying to fix yourself alone, because you are too proud to accept help from anyone. It isn't noble, Kate. It's foolish. I'm tired of being forced to watch from the sidelines when I want to help you so badly. You say we are partners, you say you want to be together, well… this just proves to me that you haven't changed. You want me when it's easy, but when it matters most you run."

"I'm not running." Kate said. How did this conversation turn into a fight?

"Maybe I am. Maybe this," Castle motions between the two of them, "really should be over. I love you, Kate, but it isn't enough anymore. We are the ones we are running from. I don't know if that will every change."


	34. What Comes Next? Part 2

Wait. Did he just…

"Castle. You can't be serious."

"I am, Kate. I am tired of feeling like I'm running in circles. Every time I think we've reached a new level together, I turn back and realize you've fallen again. You've quit your job, you refuse to leave my side, and now you won't let me help you? Two steps forward, one giant leap backwards."

"Why is helping me so important to you?" Kate asked.

"Why won't you let me help you? Why are you shutting me out?" Castle countered. She needed to start talking before he loses it. He's hoping that she has an explanation more than just what he can see. Right now all he sees is her retreating from him once again.

"I told you… I made this mess. I chose to go to DC, to leave you behind. I gave up my apartment, and boxed away my life. If I let you sweep in here, fix everything that I broke, then I will feel like I am using you. That I am back for your money, not for you. I am independent, Castle. It's who I am. I don't know how to let someone else in."

"You are a lot of things, but a gold digger is not one of them. I know this, and letting me help you is not going to change that."

"It's too easy to let you help me. I don't deserve your help." Kate finally spilled. She felt vulnerable and terrified. He deserved more than she could offer him.

It was quiet.

"Everyone deserves a second chance." Castle finally replied. Some of the anger was begin to diffuse, but his lack of trust was still holding strong.

She chuckled, "I think you've given me about fifty chances, Rick."

"It's hard to be perfect like me, Kate." Castle joked.

"It must be exhausting." Kate deadpanned with a roll of her eyes.

"Kate, helping you is about more than money to me. I want to help you because that is what you do for people you love. There aren't strings or expectations attached to it, just love and caring. You didn't hesitate to come to New York when I was shot."

It wasn't a question, but Kate nodded her head anyways.

"I am not even sure I locked my door on the way out of my apartment." Kate confirmed.

"Is there anything you wouldn't give me if I asked you for it?"

"Rick, I'd give you my life it I needed to."

"Then why are you denying me the chance to make your life better when I have the ability to do so?"

Smart man. There was no denying his logic. She would give everything she had for him, to him, if he asked. She would even give it all to him if he didn't. He was more important. Period. Having him explain it this way made sense. It still left her with an uneasy feeling, accepting his help, but she couldn't deny that she needed his help.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

Kate nodded. "You are right."

"Normally I'd bask in those words, the time and date you uttered those magical words have been permanently committed to my memory, but my celebration can wait."

"I would expect nothing less." Kate smirked. She could tell he was delaying. He had something on his mind that he was hesitant to say. "It's ok, Castle. Spill it."

He took a deep breath. "I can't trust you. I don't know when something I say will send you back peddling away from me. How can we be honest with each other when I can't even let myself talk to you without being scared to death that you will leave?"

"I…" Kate started but changed her mind. She had nothing to say. She had nothing she could say. He hasn't ever had proof that he could trust her with his thoughts.

Castle was waiting. He could see the many emotions floating across her face. The concentration he saw there tipped him off that she wasn't ignoring him, but trying to find an appropriate response. He wasn't going to step in and bail her out of this question. It was a valid question, one that he needed answered if they were going to make a go of their relationship.

"You have no reason to trust me, Castle. I just proved that to you again. I've never done this before." She paused. "You know that I've been in relationships that were headed nowhere, and I kept my heart shielded from everyone. I'm not making excuses, but I need you to know that I am trying."

Kate continued, "I will clam up. I will freak out. I will not leave. I am here and I am not running away. I will try harder to be honest with you, and let you know when I am freaking out. That is my promise to you, Rick."

Castle nodded.

"Do you believe me?" Kate asked.

He looked down, "Not yet." He paused and lifted his eyes to hers before he continued. "I want to, Kate. I think I will eventually, but I can't right now. Not completely. Sorry…"

"Don't apologize. I get it… You need some time. I'll prove it to you, Castle."

"So… what comes next?" Castle wasn't really sure what else to say right now. This was a first for him.

"What would you like to see happen next? I want to know what you think."

He hesitated. "I would like to figure out what happens when I leave the hospital."

"Ok." Kate wasn't going to say anything more. She had been leading their relationship, and had done a terrible job at it thus far. It was time she trusted him, let him lead their relationship in the right direction.

"Part of me wants to ask you to come stay at the loft with me. I will need someone there with me for at least the first week, and I don't really want Martha to play nurse. She gets mean!" He let out a laugh. "Part of me is scared to let you in. We will fall back into our lives before you left, and nothing will have been changed or fixed. I don't want that to happen. I need us to be better."

Moving in with Castle? Terrifying. _Calm down… he didn't just ask you to move in. He is just asking your opinion. Breathe! _Kate thought to herself. He was looking at her, with questions in his eyes. He is waiting to see how she will react. This is the first test and she will pass it.

"How about this? I come stay with you for the first week. I'll move in to the guest room upstairs so I can be around to help you. I wouldn't want your mom to have to deal with your whining. We can see how it goes during the week, but I think you are right. I need to get my own place while we figure things out." Kate surprised herself with how confident she sounded.

"We can use the week to look for apartments, and to get your stuff shipped back to New York."

Ha! Another test. He was using her DC move/new apartment that he is going to help pay for. Smart, but she is smarter.

"Sounds good." Passed: 2 for 2.

He looked at her with a smirk. "You are freaking out aren't you?"

She chuckled. "You have no idea."


	35. Not Again

Kate had left the hospital and was now at her father's house taking a shower. She felt weird being out of the hospital, away from Castle. She had grown accustom to being physically right next to him so quickly that it shocked her. Even when they were in a relationship they rarely spent this much uninterrupted time together. Moreover, they were talking. They often came home together and would quickly fall into bed, sleeping or not, because of their crazy work schedule. Kate liked her space, her time alone, but the last few days have been so nice.

Castle had kicked her out saying he would be doing testing and PT for the next few hours and that she should take a break. Of course she refused, telling him she wasn't going to leave the hospital, but eventually she gave in. Kate couldn't recall the last time she had showered, and thought maybe an hour away wouldn't hurt. It's not like anything was going to happen while she was away.

She had driven to her dad's house. She updated him on Castle's health, they gossiped about her love life, and Kate confided the fears she still has. It was nice to be able to talk with him. It was nice to get out of the hospital. She took her shower, and was getting dressed, when the phone rang.

"Beckett."

"Hi Detective Beckett. This is Sandy from Mount Sinai. I'm calling about Richard Castle."

Her heart starts beating in double time. She can barely breathe. No, this is cannot be happening again. He is supposed to be _safe_. She should have never left.

"Mr. Castle has taken a turn for the worse. You need to get her as soon as you can."

"What… what happened?" All colored had drained from her face. She collapsed half-dressed onto her childhood bed.

"I don't know the details, but the doctor asked me to call. It doesn't look good, Detective." Kate hadn't met this nurse Sandy that kept calling her, but she hated her. She hated her and her voice. It's calm reassurance made Kate feel enraged. Nurse Jessica was even better than Sandy.

"What do you mean you don't know? I've been gone for 40 minutes! What could have possibly happened?!"

"Just… get her as soon as you can, Kate. We will try to wait for you."

With that, Sandy ended the phone call.

Kate sat there stunned for a moment. Completely in shock. She knew she should move, but couldn't figure how to stand. Walking or talking seemed completely out of the realm of possibility.

Castle.

_Oh, Castle!_

Finally, she slowly stood up and finished getting dressed. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. It took forever to find her dad and even longer to make it to the car. They hit rush hour traffic and every construction site from their house to the hospital. To Kate, it literally felt like 10 years had passed before they finally arrived. Of course the only available parking spots were a block away, and all the elevators were busy. She almost resorted to climbing the 16 flights of stairs, but Jim wouldn't let her.

36 minutes and 29 seconds later, Kate made it to his room.

Kate opened the door.

"Castle?! Castle…"

Beeeeeeeeeeep.

"I'm sorry, Kate. You were too late." Dr. Marshall quietly spoke as he flipped off the monitor. "He's gone."

No. This cannot be happening. Kate collapsed.

"Kate?...Kate. Hey, Kate, wake up."

She could almost hear him calling her name. She didn't want to wake up. She didn't want to exist in a world without him.

"Kate!"

Kate startled awake. She could feel the tears streaming down her face, still caught up in the nightmare. Her body was shaking and she felt out of control.

"Kate? What happened?"

Kate lifted her head and through her blurry vision she could see Castle. Is she still dreaming? If so, she never wants to wake up.

"Castle?"

"Kate. You were having a nightmare. They have me hooked to an IV and I couldn't get off the bed to wake you up."

"Nightmare?" Kate said out loud, but really she was processing verbally. It hadn't occurred to her that it was all a dream. It felt so real…

"Come here." Castle said with his arms outstretched. It was killing him to see her so shaken up and not be able to do anything about it. His strict line of acceptable touching be damned! He needed to hold her, she needed to be held.

Kate slowly got up and made her way to his bedside. She was unsure of what he wanted to do, but she was ok with being closer to him. Now that the fog of the dream was starting to dissipate, she was able to differentiate real life and the nightmare her subconscious just put her through a little better. Still, she couldn't shake the need to physically anchor herself to him for reassurance that he was alive.

Castle scooted over as best he could and patted the bed. "Sit down, Kate."

She hesitated briefly, but eventually sunk down next to him. She kept her distance, made sure not to jostle him because she was scared of hurting him.

"Lay down by me. You won't hurt me." He could sense her reluctance.

She laid down next to him, keeping space, but Castle would have none of it. He pulled her in as best he could. He wrapped his arm around her to hug her.

"I don't know what that dream was about Kate, but you are safe." Castle whispered to her. "You must have fallen asleep while you were waiting for me to get back from PT. I was quiet when I got back so you could sleep… I wish I had been louder…"

Instead of responding she buried her face into his chest and finally let go of the tears. She felt heartbroken, even though it had all been a dream. The reality that he could have died a few days ago was finally hitting her. She had come so close to losing him.

"I love you, Rick." Kate chocked out.

"I love you, Kate."

He held her while she cried. He held her after she stopped and was trying to get her emotions in check. He held her even after his arm fell asleep and it felt like thousands of pins were stabbing his upper arm. Yet Castle didn't move. He held her until he knew she was feeling better. It felt wonderful to have her back in his arms. It felt wonderful to be needed by her.

"Thanks, Rick. I um… I had this terrible nightmare. Obviously. I left the hospital to shower and change but then that damn Sandy called and…"

"Who is Sandy?" Castle questioned.

"The damn nurse that likes to call and tell me bad news." Kate replied in a 'duh' tone.

"Of course. Continue." Castle had no idea what she was talking about.

"She called to tell me to…" Kate paused. She wanted to tell him about her dream. She knew it would help her to get over the dream she had, and hopefully prevent her from dreaming about it again tonight. However, she also wanted to set a good example for him. Show him the benefits of discussing a nightmare despite how difficult and emotional it is.

"You don't have to talk about it…" Castle said.

"I want to. I need to… it helps." She was going with honesty.

Castle replied with a slight nod.

"She called to tell me that you weren't doing well and to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. I swear I tried SO hard to get here, but it felt like I was running with cement shoes on. No matter how fast I tried to get here everything was in slow motion. When I finally got here, I opened the door and… you were…" Kate sniffled, "dead. Marshall told me I was too late."

Kate stopped talking. There wasn't really much else to say. Plus, fresh tears had begun to fall. Castle pulled her back in and held her. He kept whispering, "It's ok", "I'm here", or "It was just a dream" over and over again.

"I don't ever want to lose you again, Rick. I won't survive it."

"Don't worry, Kate. I'm not going anywhere."

**So, I tried to write over the weekend when I had some down time, but I literally was completely out of ideas. This randomly came to me this morning at 2 am, so I'm not sold on how good it is. At least it's something! Haha**


	36. Explanations

Rick and Kate held each other for a while. It had been so long since they had been this intimate with each other. Their relationship had become more than sex, and in this moment, it was just about the love they had for each other. Words weren't needed. They were healing in a different way, through touch. It was freeing and exhilarating. This moment, here in each other's arms, was perfect.

Kate had one arm cradling Castle's head to her. She ran her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp. They still hadn't spoken, too worried to break the spell that had fallen over them when she explained her dream. Eventually, Kate could tell that Rick had fallen asleep again. They had spent so much of yesterday talking (fighting) that he hadn't rested nearly enough. Add in the nightmares that have been waking him up Kate was shocked he'd been able to resist the tug of sleep for as long as he had.

She was content to hold him, touch him, while he slept. Kate found herself awake before him on so many occasions while they were together that she reveled in the regularity of this moment. Plus, if it kept the monsters away Kate would stay here forever for him. She huffed at herself for that. She has become _that _girl, the girl she would've kicked her ass for thinking such obnoxiously romantic crap.

Kate Beckett has become mushy.

Castle slept for a few hours. Eventually, Kate sat up on the bed next to him and played on her phone, texted the boys and her dad, and watched Castle sleep. She wasn't in a hurry to leave the side of her writer, but she was also not ready to fall asleep. It was going to take her awhile to trust that the nightmare won't return. She didn't want to live in that hell again.

Kate thought back to everything that had happened this week. From getting the phone call about Castle, quitting her job, and fighting her way back to his side. Just today she woke up feeling great, then nearly lost Castle because of her pride, agreed to nurse him back to health while living with him, and now she is lying in his bed after he comforted her. It is a damn good thing she is used to accepting ridiculously crazy situations as they come at her, and dealing with them ok. She has had a lot of practice over the years, with Rick by her side, and this week counts as one of them. Partners, she smiled, even now.

"Katherine?"

Kate looked towards the door. Martha and Alexis stood just inside his room with slack jaws. It was apparent by the tone of Martha's voice and the look on their faces that seeing Kate in his bed was the last thing they expected.

This is going to be awkward.

"Oh. Hey," she waved, "come on in." Kate whispered as loud as she could. She didn't want to stir Castle from his sleep.

"We wanted to stop in and see how he was doing. We haven't heard from him today and we were getting worried. Thought maybe the nurse's had grown tired of his complaining and shot him up with morphine to knock him out." Martha joked.

Kate chuckled. "No, we used a pillow instead… won't show up in the blood work that way."

"Ah. Detective, it's a good thing we keep you around."

"Actually, he has been out running tests and starting PT this morning. It wore him out now that he is able to be up and moving. He hasn't even complained once." The love in her voice and the way she kept looking down at him while talking alerted Martha to a shift in their relationship.

"Darling, is there something we should know?"

Kate pulled her eyes from Castle. She looked back and forth between the two red heads. Martha had a knowing smirk on her face, one that she had seen on Castle countless times. It annoyed her how well they could read her. Alexis' expression was harder to read. She hadn't spoken a word since she entered the room. Her gaze was shifting between her father and Kate.

"No? I don't think so. I mean… obviously we are doing better than the last time you saw us, but nothing has changed." Kate stumbled.

"Right. Just like you two were partners for four years." Martha said.

Kate laughed. "Nothing gets past you, Martha."

"So what is the plan?" Alexis finally spoke up. Her voice almost monotone. She wasn't being rude, she had already apologized for the way she had first acted, but she was still being cautious.

"Well, your father is being released tomorrow, as long as everything goes well today. He will need someone to stay with him for 48 hours supervision, but they would like it to be for at least a week."

Kate paused before she the next part of the plan. She wasn't sure how Alexis was going to react to this news. She wished Castle was awake for this part.

"We talked and decided that I would stay with him in the loft."

"What? No, it's ok, Beckett. I'm going to stay with Dad. I've already spoken to my professors about taking the week off." Alexis replied.

"Alexis, honey, you can't put your education on hold. Katherine will stay with him while you are at school." Martha tried to intervene.

"Gram. It won't be a problem. I want to stay with him…" Alexis said.

"Alexis," Kate finally spoke, "I get it. You want to be with him to make sure he is really ok. Why don't we both stay? However, I'm with Martha on this… school is important. As soon as he wakes up he will say the same thing."

"I don't trust you with him." Alexis stated. She dropped her gaze to her hands.

"Alexis…" Martha started.

"No, Martha, its ok." Kate stopped the rebuke before Martha could say any more. She turned to Alexis, "I get that. I blame myself for this, too. I don't deserve your trust, but I want to earn it. Is that ok with you?"

"I guess."

"I'm sorry for hurting him. I made some mistakes, and I don't deserve his forgiveness. I also hurt you both," Kate said while looking between the two Roger/Castle women, "and I am truly sorry. I never intended to hurt so many people with this job. I had… reasons for why I left… but in the end it wasn't worth it. This, you three and my dad, are more important to me. I've missed my family."

Kate could feel Rick's hand gripping her leg. He was letting her know that he was awake and heard everything she just said to his family. She was grateful he was allowing her this moment to ask for forgiveness, even if it was scary as hell.

Martha reached for Kate's hand. "I'm glad you are home, darling."

Kate nodded her head. Her emotions catching the words in her throat.

"What reasons?" Alexis asked. She wanted to know. It mattered to her because she couldn't come up with a good enough reason for Kate to leave her dad. Alexis had begun to think that Kate was the real deal, the one to make her dad happy. It had comforted her and made her so happy that it was Kate. She admired her so much. Then, she ripped their hearts out and ran to DC.

"Well," Kate took a deep breath. It was hard enough talking to Castle, but now going over it again with Little Castle… this was way worse. "I admit to being scared. I was scared that Rick and I weren't going anywhere, that maybe we were going somewhere, and I didn't know how to handle it. We didn't talk about our relationship so I wasn't sure where we stood."

"I also took the job… to get Bracken."

"Bracken?" Alexis questioned.

"I worry that my mother's murder will eventually come back to haunt me. I thought… maybe I could take him down before he takes me down. Then…"

"You could have the family you want with Richard." Martha finished for her.

The women were silent. Kate felt embarrassed, both at revealing her thoughts and at how ridiculous they sound now. Martha understood, from a mother's perspective, how important it was to feel like you can protect your children. She also understood from a woman's perspective how scary it is to jump into a relationship.

Alexis looked at Kate. She knew she was being honest, and that it was difficult for her to be that open with them. It had taken her by surprise, to hear about Bracken. She knew the majority of the story behind Beckett's mom's murder. She hadn't thought about how it would affect their future.

"I… look up to you, Kate. My dad idolizes you for a reason… you are smart, bad-ass, and really pretty. I loved that you two were together, and I was excited to have you in my life. Then you left us. Just like my mom, just like Gina. I had trusted you with him, to be better for him than the others, but you left."

"I came back." Ah, so this is why Alexis is so upset with her.

"The others did too. They left just as quickly."

"You're right." Kate conceded. "Except, I love your dad, so much. Not just the fun side of him, or the author side of him. I love how annoying he can be. I love how excited he gets over small things. I love how much he loves you and Martha. I love how serious he gets on cases. I love _him_, and I don't think the others could say that."

"Is love enough?" Alexis questioned.

Kate's face turned. It became the strongly independent, kick ass detective face Alexis saw so often. "Yes."

One word. That was all it took. Alexis knew that Kate was going to fight for her dad.

"Alexis? I want you to know… I don't just love your dad. You are a packaged deal, but I also respect you as a person. I've watched you grow up into an exceptional woman and I'm proud to say that I know you. I love you, too."

"Thanks, Kate." Alexis felt overwhelmed.

Martha took that as her cue to break in to the conversation.

"Katherine, darling, have you eaten today?"

"No… it's been a crazy day." Kate was still a little caught up in her conversation with Alexis. It was difficult to turn her attention to Martha.

"Well, kiddo, how about we go get them some food and we eat dinner together as a family tonight?"

Alexis smiled. "Chinese?"

"Yes, please!" Kate said just as her stomach growled.

"We will be back in an hour. That should leave the two of you enough time to talk about what Richard over there is trying to pretend to sleep through." Martha replied.

"Hey! If someone wasn't so loud I would've been fine to stay asleep. It's not like I'm trying to recover from a bullet wound or anything." Castle finally spoke.

"Whatever, dear, we will be back."

And then there were two.

"So… how you doing?" Castle tested.

Kate eased herself back down so she was lying next to him. "7."

"7? 7 what?"

"Scale of 1-10 on freaking out. I'm a 7."

Castle chuckled. "You did great, Kate."

"Easy for you to say… those red heads are scary!"

"Believe me… I know."

They were quiet for a moment, enjoying being back in each other's arms.

"You love how annoying I am." Castle quipped.

"Shut up, Castle." She said with a smile.


	37. What is Eating Richard Castle?

Martha and Alexis returned with dinner shortly after 6 pm. Kate had crawled out of Castle's bed about 10 minutes before they showed up. She helped Castle slowly walk to the bathroom. It was amazing to see how far he'd come in such a short amount of time. He went from dying in a park to walking, mostly unassisted, to the bathroom.

"_Kate. Will you think less of me if I ask you to wait out here? A man needs some privacy."_

"_You don't want me by your side 24/7? Following you everywhere? Staring at you like the creeper I am?" _

"_Very funny. Just so you know, I never followed you into a bathroom… until we started dating."_

_Kate blushed thinking about the many bathrooms he had followed her into. "Well, Rick, unlike you I am perfectly capable of giving you space. Yell when you are ready to come out, ok?"_

Castle noticed that she had carefully avoided turning the conversation into any sort of innuendo. She was playing it safe. Yes, she was joking with him and it felt great to have the easy banter flow between them. It made him wonder, however, when they will be able to completely open up to each other.

He didn't need to joke or talk about sex with her. He really didn't think about it as often as people assume. It was just… so them. Even from the beginning they had this amazing chemistry that would allow them to tease each other. He had been concerned when they eventually did get together that it would die down or disappear altogether. Fool! It was Kate… she is gorgeous and smart and could make him blush. In fact, it almost intensified with the familiarity of the nights they spent together. No, he didn't need to talk about sex with her. He just missed the simplicity and ease that accompanied the joking.

His mind had been stuck on this fact even after he had returned to his bed and his family was around him eating dinner.

"Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Gram asked if you knew for certain if you were able to leave tomorrow." Alexis replied.

"Oh… um…" he looked at Kate. "Yes, I think so. I've been feeling really good."

Kate saw the faraway look and the panic in his eyes. She wasn't sure what was going on with him, and why he seemed to need her help in talking with his daughter. He had been perfectly fine until he went to the bathroom. Maybe something had happened in there… she knew she should have insisted on going in with him. Idiot!

"Well, you two sure are entertaining hosts this evening." Martha said dryly.

"Oh… sorry. I was thinking and…." Kate stumbled.

"Yeah… sorry… it's just been a long day…" Castle added.

Martha narrowed her eyes. Something was going on between them. She wasn't sure what it was because they had seemed fine before they left for dinner and it didn't appear that they were upset with each other now.

"Awkward silence." Alexis muttered.

This was not the family dinner they had imagined would take place. Kate looked toward Castle, he was always so good at keeping the conversation flowing, but he seemed to be struggling tonight. Martha looked amused by the entire situation and would probably be content to watch whatever is going on unfold. Alexis was quiet and withdrawn. So, it was up to her.

"Alexis, are you still interning with Lanie?"

"Yes."

She was going to have to work to pull answers from the girl. "How is it going?"

"It's going well. I never thought I'd end up enjoying working with dead people, but Lanie is a great teacher."

"That's great… Is this something you are interested in turning into a career?"

Alexis glanced at her dad. "Well, right now I'm pre-med. I'd always dreamed of doing pediatrics, but… maybe?"

"Really?" Castle finally piped in.

"Don't be upset, ok Dad? I just… it is important to me. I like giving a voice to the victims. I know it isn't as involved as Kate's job, but it's a way for me to give back. It's a rewarding job."

Kate glanced at Rick's face. She wasn't sure how he was going to react to this news. She felt responsible, in a way, for dragging his entire family into a world of death and destruction.

"Honey, if this is what you want to do then I am proud of you." Castle finally spoke, his voiced laced with emotion.

"Really?" Alexis mirrored her dad's previous statement.

"Yes, really. You've been working with Lanie long enough to see the good and bad sides of this job. It isn't glamorous and I would rather you not see the evil the world can do so closely, but I can't protect you forever. You are a smart girl, and I trust your judgment. I know," he glances at Kate, "how rewarding it is to help bring justice to families. It's one of the reasons I haven't left the 12th."

"Thanks, dad." Alexis said as she got up to hug her dad. She had been thinking about switching her major for some time now, but was unsure how her dad would handle the news. With Kate gone, he had become a different man, and she didn't want to add any more stress in his life.

"I met a man. He is just wonderful. The love of my life, probably." Martha nearly shouted.

"Ok…?" Castle finally sputtered out.

"I didn't want to tell you, with you being all depressed and hating life. Now that you are doing better and the good detective is home, I can finally tell you my good news! Harold and I are moving in together at the end of the month."

Castle looked at his mom. Then he looked at his daughter. They were both holding their breath, waiting for a reaction from him. It just became apparent that they had been keeping huge parts of their lives from him to spare his feelings. He felt a little ashamed that they thought he couldn't be excited for them. Mostly, though, he felt upset they had lied to him.

"Anything else you two would like to update me on?" Castle said dryly.

"I have a boyfriend." Alexis spit out so quickly he almost didn't hear.

Kate could tell he wasn't happy. She grabbed his hand and squeezed, hoping that would help calm him down.

"I don't appreciate being lied to by my own family. Did you really think I wouldn't be happy for you guys?" Castle asked.

"No, Dad. We didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Too late for that." He mumbled.

"Castle, I think they just didn't want to rub their happiness in when you were upset…"

"Darling, don't overreact. You were miserable, and trying so hard to pretend that you weren't. We didn't think you wouldn't be happy for us, but you also didn't make it very easy on us to talk to you."

Castle had closed off when Kate had left. He desperately tried to keep his heart open for his mom and his daughter, but it appears he had done a crappy job. His mood was deteriorating by the second.

Listening to them talk about how Castle handled her rejection and departure tore Kate up. She felt guilty that she had caused his entire family to hurt. She didn't think her decisions would cause a family as close as this one to start to come apart at the seams. She dropped her hand from him, too ashamed to keep the physical connection with him.

"Overreact? Me? Never." Castle said sarcastically. "In the future, I'd appreciate not being lied to." He wanted to say more, he wanted to be upset, but what good would it do? He was going home tomorrow and he just didn't feel like fighting. When they'd leave he would lick his wounded pride, and be back to his normally self tomorrow.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"It's fine, sweetheart."

"I'm not apologizing. Richard, you would have done the same to either one of us had the roles been reversed." Martha said. She wasn't going to let her son be upset about this nonissue.

"I would expect nothing less from you, Mother. "

Rick faked a yawn. He felt drained, more emotionally than physically, and he was ready to have his family go home. He was feeling… well, he wasn't really sure what he was feeling at the moment. He wasn't processing his emotions very well, but his control was slipping and he didn't want his family there to witness it.

"Well, Alexis my dear, I think it is time we leave your father and Katherine for the evening. Thank you, Richard, for a rather engaging meal. Sleep well, darling, and we will see you tomorrow. Make sure to call us when you have a release time ok?" Martha's last question was directed more towards Kate.

"Yes, I'll let you know what is going on as soon as we hear from the doctor tomorrow morning." Kate replied.

"Bye, Kate. Bye, Dad. Sleep well." Alexis called out on her way to the door. She had already hugged and kissed her dad goodbye.

"Goodnight, Alexis. Martha." Kate replied.

The door shut and finally left Kate and Rick alone. She turned in her chair to face him. The look on his face warned her that he wasn't in a good mood, and that he was ready for a fight.

"Castle? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! I'm so damn tired of being treated like I'm going to break! I'm not this… this… damaged man that needs to be handled."

"Rick, you were shot. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm babying you, but I'm just trying to help."

"No, you don't get it. My own daughter looked at me with such pity… Do you know what it's like to know that your daughter can't even tell you about her major life decisions because she thinks you can't handle it? Let me tell you, it feels like shit. My mom… well that isn't as much of a surprised, but it's humiliating. Even you are tiptoeing around me."

"You aren't just talking about the bullet wound." Kate sort of asked. It was more of a rhetorical question.

"You won't joke about sex with me." Rick decided he was already pretty emasculated; he might as well go all the way tonight. Apparently, he had no shame.

"What?" Kate was confused.

"Earlier… you wouldn't joke about sex with me. You haven't once made a suggestive remark or innuendo since you've been back."

"I'm not sure what to say, Castle. I don't really get why you are so upset about this."

"Because Kate! It matters! We've always been able to joke and laugh with each other. I don't want us to change so much that we can't be comfortable to talk about everything together. I don't want you to be scared to tease me. You said you loved how annoying I am, but it seems like you are too scared to call me on my bullshit. This won't work if you give me all the power, Kate. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Rick, I didn't take your bait earlier because I was embarrassed or shy or scared what you would think. I didn't say anything because I was too busy remembering all of the ways we have used bathrooms."

Oh. Well, he didn't think he could feel like an idiot any more than he already did. He was wrong.

Kate continued. "I get what you are saying though… I think we've both been holding back. Scared that if we say something wrong then the other one will disappear."

"Yeah…"

"I think you are sexy, Rick." Kate purred.

He lifted his head up, almost giving himself whiplash. His mouth hung open as he stared at her.

Kate stood up and sauntered over to the side of his bed. She leaned in and whispered, "I can't wait to show you how much I've missed you."

Castle grunted in reply. He was too mesmerized by her closeness to really formulate a response.

"Until then, Rick," she closed his mouth with her pointer finger, "I'm totally up for teasing you… Kitten." With that, she kissed the side of check and sat back down in her chair with a chuckle.


	38. Missed Opportunities

**FYI: This chapter will finish up the rest of the night. Chapter 39 will be the morning and release from the hospital. Chapter 40… HOME! :) (A lot of you have mentioned his homecoming so I thought I'd fill you in on my timeline.)**

"Kitten? Really, Kate?" Castle finally forced himself to say. He really couldn't come up with a better retort. His brain had gone all fuzzy from the images she invoked.

Kate laughed. "Sorry… I couldn't help myself. It was too perfect."

Castle just stared at her. He was mesmerized by the smile on her face, the light heartedness that had filled the room. 20 minutes ago he was ready to explode, frustrated and embarrassed with himself. One talk with Kate had not only changed his mood, but brought them just a little closer to resolving their issues. In this moment, he felt like they could really be together for the rest of their lives.

"Castle? You with me?" Kate was starting to feel a little nervous that she had pushed too far. She thought it was fine, but his reaction and the silence that followed has her thinking twice.

"Huh? Oh, yes. Sorry." He mumbled.

"What were you thinking about?"

"That I am hopeful. I think this might just work out after all."

Kate softly smiled. "I think you might be right."

"Hmm." Castle said in response. He reached his hand out to her, wanting her closer to him.

Kate stood and approached the side of his bed. She felt butterflies in her stomach, annoyed at the sudden nervousness she feels around him.

"Kate." Castle grabbed her hand as he said her name.

"Rick."

"I never said thank you."

"For what?" Kate was confused at the sudden shift in conversation.

"For coming back. For staying. For not leaving me. I didn't tell you before, but I am really glad you are here."

"I should've never left you."

Castle squeezed her hand to get her attention. "Listen, we both made mistakes four months ago. I can't say that it didn't hurt to have you leave, but in a way I think it worked out for the best. Let's just… focus on this, right now, and not worry about the past."

"We can't just forget what has happened, Castle."

"We aren't forgetting anything, Kate. We've talked it through, we've explained our reasons and our emotions. If we have more to talk about then fine, let's talk. I just don't want to keep bringing it up. DC happened. Let's put it in the past and move on. "

"Focus on the future?" Kate said almost shyly.

"Our future." Castle agreed.

"Cheesy." Kate tried not to let how happy his cheesiness made her. The broad smile on her face revealed just how relieved she was to hear him say that.

Castle used the grip on her hand to pull her in close to him. He pulled her so close that their faces were mere inches apart. Kate had to put her hand on the other side of his head for support. She could feel his breath against her flushed cheeks.

"You love it. Admit it, Kate."

"I don't know what you are talking about, Castle."

He released her hand and reached up to touch the back of her neck. His hand tangled into her curly hair as he brought her even closer.

He whispered, "You love how cheesy I am, Kate. You love it more than I do."

Her senses were on overload. Hearing him say her name in his deep, sultry voice, feeling his breath on her face, smelling him all around had her so flabbergasted that she couldn't respond. She barely registered that he was slowly bringing her closer and closer to his lips.

"Ricky! How are you… Oh! Sorry about that, Ricky."

Kate pulled back quickly when she heard another voice in the room. She spun around to see who the hell interrupted her moment with Castle.

Jessica.

Of course that bitch just ruined her incredibly sexy moment with Castle. She hopes that _Jess_ can feel the daggers she is sending from her eyes. If looks could kill…

"Oh, hey Jess. Back on shift?" Kate wondered how Castle was able to talk so casually right now.

"Yep, thought I'd come check on my favorite patient. How are the stitches this evening?"

"Doc said they were fine, that I didn't need to be re-stitched. You were right."

"Good! Well, I'm here for the entire night. Call if you need anything. I'll check in on you again later. Bye Ricky!"

"Bye Jess." Castle said with fake enthusiasm.

"I hate her." Kate spit out as soon as the door was shut.

Castle laughed. "I couldn't tell. I don't think I've ever seen you look so pissed off before."

She turned her glare to him. "Do not make fun of me, Castle! I don't know why you aren't upset."

"Because you look so cute when you are mad."

"Cute? No. It is not cute when your stupid ex-girlfriend interrupts our freaking kiss."

"Are you upset about Jessica or are you upset that you missed out on a Richard Castle kiss?" He joked.

"Don't flatter yourself, Castle. You are not that good of a kisser." _Lies. All lies. He is the best kisser._

"You wound me, Kate. I happen to know that I am an excellent kisser."

"You really want to keep talking about your past relationships with other women right now?"

"Oh I don't need to use any other woman as proof. Kate, I know you love my kisses." Castle said smugly.

"Oh really? How do you know that, Castle?"

"I can tell by the way you respond to my kisses. It's pretty obvious how much love them. I mean, you were about to kill Jess for interrupting us just now."

"Can you please stop calling her _Jess?"_

"You are so cute when you are jealous." He chuckled.

Kate grabbed his ear and lightly twisted. "I am NOT jealous, Castle." _Lies. All lies. I am so jealous._

"Let's agree to disagree on this one, Kate." He was struggling to keep the grin off his face.

"Whatever…" Kate said as she began to pull her hand away. She wasn't really upset, but it was fun to tease him… make him think she is really upset with him.

"Wait. Don't go… I'm sorry. Come back and lay down with me."

"Weak pick up line there buddy. I'm not _that_ easy." Kate said as she sat back in her chair.

He barked out a laugh. "Believe me, I know.

A few hours later, Kate woke up to Castle tossing in his bed once again. She could tell by the emergency light right above his bed that his faced was skewed in pain and he was sweating. He was having another nightmare.

She quickly rose from her chair and approached the side of his bed. She grabbed his hand and began to rub up and down his arm.

"Come on, Castle, it's a just a dream. Wake up for me, Castle." Kate began murmuring over and over again.

It took about 30 seconds to wake him up, but it felt like forever for Kate. She was worried he was going to rip more stitches out, or hurt his back which would prevent him from going home in a few hours.

"Castle! Wake up. You need to wake up, Castle." She began saying more forcefully.

He finally woke up with a start. Breathing heavily and gripping her hand hard. His eyes frantically searched the room, obviously looking for something. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was terrified. She needed to make him talk.

"Hey, Rick. You were having another nightmare."

When he heard her voice he shifted his gaze to her. It was difficult to pull his thoughts from the dream to reality. He could see Kate standing over his bed, looking nervous. He registered the death grip he had on her hand and loosened his hand. He didn't want to break the connection though.

"Rick. Scoot over." Kate commanded softly.

He scooted over to the bed, and Kate crawled in to his bed just like she had done earlier. She rested her head on his shoulder and threw one arm over his chest. She held him like that until his breathing evened out.

"Rick, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I really think you should. It might help…"

"I don't want to." Castle finally spoke.

"Why?" She was going to push him.

Castle remained quiet. She wasn't sure if he was ignoring her or thinking about what he should say. Sometimes he had to fully formulate his stories or responses before he would respond. After 5 minutes of silence, she decided that he was just ignoring.

"Why, Castle. I want you to tell me why you won't talk to me." Kate said in her best stern voice.

"I don't want to talk about it. Period. Why are you pushing this?"

"I can tell how upset these nightmares make you. Keeping it to yourself will only make it worse. You want to continue to wake up after a few hours of sleep to that nightmare?" She paused to see him shake his head. "You need to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to me, then at least promise me that you will talk to someone. Tomorrow."

"I am not talking to a shrink." Castle said forcefully.

Kate was getting frustrating. He was being stubborn and she wasn't sure what else to really say. Castle rarely was unreasonable with her, so she wasn't used to dealing with him like this.

Just when she thought he had drifted off to sleep she hears him speak.

"I'm alone in the park. You shoot me."

So that is why he wouldn't talk to her. It wasn't that he was unwilling to talk about the dream, but rather he didn't want to her _about_ her.

"What happens in your dream? Describe it to me."

"I am walking through the park. I can tell it is dark, and that I am all alone. I can feel the cold running through my body. I can't ever tell where I am walking, only that I have to reach this place before something bad happens. My vision… it's like I am in a tunnel and can only see what is right in front of me. Then, just when I think I am about to… reach this significant spot… I see you. You are smiling at me. Instinctively I walk towards you, knowing that you are there to help me. When I get about 5 feet from you, you raise your arm up and point a gun straight at my heart."

"It's ok, Rick. Keep going." She can tell how upset he is getting.

"You laugh at me. Tell me that I am stupid for trusting you and that I am worthless. You never loved me, and you couldn't wait to get rid of me. That's why you left for DC."

Kate whispers, "Is that how it ends?"

"Sometimes. When you don't wake me up then you usually pull the trigger. I don't ever die in the dream. I just lay there. Staring up into the darkness."

Kate tugs him closer to her body. She isn't sure what to say to comfort him right now. It's pretty obvious that he has some deeper issues with her leaving. A tear slips down her check as she, once again, realizes how selfish she was.

"I am sorry, Rick."

"No, Kate. You made me tell you, but you don't get to feel bad about this. This isn't real. This isn't really you. You wouldn't…" Oh. He gets it. This isn't real. It isn't real!

Kate looks up at him when he stops talking. She thinks he is upset, and that he was about to get upset with her. What she sees instead is a smiling Castle.

"Castle?"

He leans down and kisses her. Not one of those brush your lips together sort of kisses. No, Rick Castle shows Kate just how good of a kisser he really is.


	39. Homecoming Part 1

**My baby (this story) is two months today! I hadn't realized it until I went to post this chapter. Crazy how time flies! Thanks for all of the support along the way. It has been greatly appreciated.**

Morning came quickly for Kate and Rick. They fell asleep shortly after their mini make-out session. It hadn't lasted long, it left them both nearly aching for more. Kate had been the one to pull away first. She, for some reason, decided it would be best to cool it down before it became too heated. They didn't need to confuse their feelings with physical ones at the moment. Plus, they were in a freaking hospital bed. Not the best place to start making out.

For once Rick was awake before Dr. Marshall came around to his room. He was anxious to hear if can officially leave today. He was ready to leave this room, get back into his own clothes, and in his own bed. In a weird way he was glad he had this experience. It had brought Kate back to him, and they were on a fast track to being better and stronger than they had ever been before. He had hope and excitement, when before he was empty and gray. However, he was ready to get the hell out of here.

Castle figured they would release him before noon. He had texted Alexis and asked if she could pick the two of them up. She agreed, and even offered to stalk the loft with plenty of food. He had specifically requested ice cream. Lots of ice cream. After all, he had been shot. He deserves as much ice cream as he wants. (Luckily, Alexis agreed with him. Kate probably would allow it for a day, but his daughter had been trained well. She will let him eat as much as he wants.)

His anxious tossing and turning caused Kate to wake up. She stretched while yawning. It was apparent she hadn't remembered she was in a bed with another person because when her arm hit Castle in the face she jumped and let out a screech.

Castle chuckled. "Good morning, Detective Beckett."

"Shut up, Castle. You scared me." Kate pretended to pout. "It's not Detective Beckett anymore."

"Uh… Good morning, Agent Beckett?" Castle didn't really like the sound of that. He wasn't sure why he felt so awkward all of a sudden.

"Nope, just Kate." She said, almost proudly.

"Well, just Kate, good morning. Man, you are a lot of work when you wake up."

"Good Morning, Mr. Castle." She smiled and leaned up to kiss his check.

At the last second he turned his head and kissed her. They shared a brief, but sweet kiss. They both pulled back with huge grins on their faces. Kate, nervously bit her lip and looked down. It felt like the beginning of a new relationship between them. It was silly, considering their history and the discussions they've had the last few days, but that is how kissing him made her feel.

"Would you mind helping me to the bathroom? I want to get myself ready before the Doc shows up."

"Sure. Just… don't get your hopes up too high, ok? There is a chance he won't let you go today." Kate stood up from the bed and began to help Castle get off the bed.

"Kate. Look at this face," he said while pointing his finger to his million dollar smile, "there is no way I can't talk my way into being released today." He replied as best he could, trying to fight through the pain of standing and walking.

"You think very highly of yourself, Castle."

"Don't even try denying it, Beckett. I know my charming wit and ruggedly handsome looks turn you to mush. You are lucky to have me."

She barked out a laugh. "Sure, Rick. Whatever you say…"

"Ah ha! You didn't deny it!"

"What's the point? I'm not sure you could even hear what I'd say past that ego of yours."

"You love it." He said with the biggest smile on his face. It felt good to joke with her.

"I love you. I'm not sure why…" It was a struggle to keep the grin off her face.

They had finally made it to the bathroom. Kate had tried to keep his mind of the pain by joking with him. She knew from experience how stiff and sore it was to make your body move after being immobile for an extended period of time. She had been so stubborn by refusing to take any pain meds. She wouldn't let Castle be that foolish. It accomplished nothing, and she could have saved herself needless pain.

20 minutes later, both Rick and Kate had used the bathroom to get ready for their day. Castle was back in the hospital bed, Kate in her chair, waiting for Dr. Marshall to show up. They were sitting there, in a peaceful silence, thinking.

"Good morning, Castles." Dr. Marshall said to announce himself. "How are you feeling this morning, Rick?'

"Ready to get out of here, Doc. It's been great to see your smiling face every morning, but I'm ready to get home to see my daughter."

"Well… I see in your chart that you were able to successfully make it the bathroom and back a few times yesterday, with assistance of course. How did that go for you?"

Castle looked to Kate, "It wasn't that difficult. It hurts to get up, and I'm stiff from lying down for so long, but for the most part it's fine. The pain is manageable."

"That's good. The PT writes that he thinks you can handle being released as well. When you are filling out your discharge papers you will be given a prescription for physical therapy. It is very important to go, and to listen to what they tell you. If you want to heal, 100%, you need to listen to them. Got it?"

"Yes, sir!" Rick said with a salute. He was happy with the way this conversation was going.

"I take it you have someone to stay with you. Correct?" Dr. Marshall looked towards Kate.

"Yes, he is forcing me to stay with him." Kate finally piped in.

"Excellent. Well, let me examine the wound site, and if that looks fine then you will be free to go, Rick."

"You are my favorite person today, Doc." Castle replied while leaning forward.

"Replaced so easily." Kate muttered.

Dr. Marshall laughed while pulling Castle's shirt back down. "I wouldn't take it personally, Kate. I get this all the time. Misplaced emotions is all it is."

"Don't worry, dear. I still love you." Castle said in an overly sweet voice.

"Oh no, don't try to sweet talk me now, dear. Maybe I should just leave you here with Dr. Marshall."

"Actually… it looks like he will need to stay here for another day." Dr. Marshall cut in to their banter.

"What?" Castle couldn't believe it. His heart sank.

"No, I'm kidding. You are free to go, Mr. Castle. Follow the directions in your discharge papers, and you will be good to go. I'll want to see you back in here in two weeks."

Kate laughed. She stood to shake the doctor's hand. "Thank you, for everything. We really appreciate it." Her voice had grown serious. She would always be thankful to this man for saving Castle.

"No problem, Kate. Take care, ok?"

"Thanks!" Castle called out as the doctor left the room.

They turned to look at each other. After a moment of silence, a smile stretched across both of their faces. He was free to go. He was going to be ok. Kate was going home with him.

"I'm going home!" Castle finally half shouted while fist pumping the air. He immediately regretted the movement, but didn't let the sharp pain detract from his celebrations.

"WE are going home." Kate emphasized. That felt great to say.

"Yes." He smiled bigger, if that was even possible. "Finally."

They both knew his finally extended to more than just this hospital trip. They were going home together, after a long 4 month separation. This was right.

"Castle's." Kate said after a moment. A soft smile on her face.

"Hmm?"

"He said Castle's. Not Rick Castle and Kate Beckett."

"Oh…" He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I like it." She declared.

Castle smiled. Big.

After an exhausting two hour wait for the discharge paperwork, and countless directions from the nurses, Kate and Rick were on their way home. Alexis had the car service pick them up instead of driving herself. That had worked out best because he needed both Alexis and Kate to steady him during the drive home.

Castle had been so focused on getting home that he hadn't thought about getting from the hospital to the loft. The excruciating pain had caught him completely by surprise. Every turn, every bump, every break caused pain. His back wasn't used to sitting in that position so the stitches and muscles pulled even when they were still. It took everything in him not to scream.

Once they reached their building, Alexis hoped out and grabbed the wheel chair she had waiting for them. He wanted to deny it, be strong enough to walk himself to his own damn door, but he had nothing left in him. So, he sat down, humiliated. This was not what he had envisioned when he thought of coming home. His life was going to be different, at least for the next little while. He hadn't realized that until just this moment.

"Castle?" Kate finally asked once they were in the loft.

"What?" He grunted out.

"Can I help you from the chair to your bed?"

"Fine." He didn't feel like talking. He was too embarrassed and in pain.

Once in bed, settled and ready to rest, Castle released a breath. He could feel his eyelids closing and for once he wasn't going to fight it. He was exhausted and upset. Sleep was all he wanted at this point. Before he had completely drifted off he heard Kate approach.

"Listen. I know you are tired and about to crash, but I need you to know something. Rick, you were shot. It was a big deal. I know you are hurting, and pissed about it. You had expectations of your homecoming, and reality has slapped you in the face. Just don't forget… you are doing great. You are stronger than you think and it will get better."

Castle listened intently. He could tell this was her talking from experience. It helped just a little to know she had gone through something similar. He didn't know how she handled the 3 months they were apart. Kate never talked about it.

"Don't be mad. Just… acknowledge that it sucks, but don't let it consume you."

"Ok." That was all he could muster. He had nothing left.

Kate bent down, and kissed his forehead. "Sleep, Rick. I'll see you when you wake up."

With that, Castle drifted off to sleep.


	40. Homecoming Part 2

When Castle woke up a few hours later, he was confused by the lack of sound he heard in the loft. Their home was rarely quiet, unless he was home alone, and even then it really wasn't all that quiet. A fear settled over him when he realized that it was too quiet. Perhaps Kate had realized he wasn't worth it after all. She could have made sure he was safe at home and bailed as soon as he was asleep.

He was surprised that he couldn't hear Alexis or his mother mulling around. They were usually chatting together, watching something on the television, or re-enacting some great tragedy in the life of Martha Rodgers. Whatever it was, they weren't quiet. He loved that about the home they had created together. It was one of the things he missed most about his life before the shooting. The loft was too quiet, but he hadn't had the energy to change it.

Castle listened in for another 30 seconds, and decided he was either alone or the rest of the house was asleep. For the first time since his shooting, he was completely alone. It was strange. The last few months had been spent flying solo the majority of the time, except, of course, when he was at the precinct. The majority of his life was spent with people. He needed the interaction, the energy, from those around him. He hated to be alone more than anything. Richard Castle was a people person. Lately, he had grown to appreciate living alone.

His daughter left him for Costa Rica. His mother had been MIA, now he knows why, but at the time he just thought she was avoiding him. Kate even left him for DC. So, he had to discover who he was when people weren't around. It gave him time to reflect and discover himself in a way he hadn't before. It was equal parts terrifying and eye opening. Castle had become a better person. He had become a better person for himself, and he hadn't ever done that before.

Now that he once again finds himself alone, Castle naturally begins to reflect on the last week of his life. No way could he ever have envisioned being shot by a subject, left for dead in a deserted park, Kate returning to nurse him back to health, and have his entire family around him when he returns home. He would have laughed in your face and told you it's a good thing you weren't a writer. That is was a totally unbelievable story. Yet, it happened. He hasn't fully processed the events all the way through, but he can at least acknowledge that it happened.

Kate Beckett. She had returned the hour of his darkest need. He doesn't blame her for the shooting. He shouldn't have gone alone to the park, and he shouldn't have tried to be the hero. He blames his own stupidity and pride for that one. It is comforting to know that she thought enough about him to rush out and check on him. It's hard for him to completely accept that she loves him, but he can't deny that she cares. He is still in disbelief that she has quit her job to be with him. Again.

This isn't the first time Kate has shown up on his literal and figurative doorstep, begging for another chance. He is leery to completely trust her again. She hasn't been able to prove to him that she will stick it out. In fact, she has proven she will run when scared. Yet, he knows this time is different. She has changed, just like he has.

It has taken him a long time to realize that he and Kate tackle problems in polar opposite ways. Kate works through problems alone. She needs to dissect the problem, figure out if it's possible, and then she will take action. He, on the other hand, has to include her on every detail. He doesn't like to think about any decision too deeply, (unless it is really serious), and then he acts. So, to hear that Kate had discovered during her 4 month absence that life without Rick Castle wasn't a life she was interested in. Her job is important to her, but she that she ultimately chose him, even before the shooting was phenomenal. Castle felt on top of the world.

Man, if she could only hear what I am thinking… she would probably twist my ear and tell me to knock it off. The thought made him chuckle. Despite the distrust and the absence, he is so happy to have her back in his life. That is why it had been so difficult for him since she left. He _knew_ she was it for him. She made him want to be better for her, made him want things he never realized he wanted, and she let him be who he was. That was important to him. Kate never made him be something that he wasn't. She had accepted him, flaws and all.

His screaming bladder, and the need to find Kate, had Castle leaving his bed. He wasn't technically allowed to be walking unassisted, but he wasn't going to wait around on someone to help him. Plus, it wasn't that far anyways.

Once he was done in the bathroom, Castle decided to venture out into the front room. Even if he was alone out there he would at least have a TV to keep him entertained. He found a golf club in his closet to lean on. He didn't need someone with him to walk, but he also hadn't realized how much Kate had been helping him walk. She must have been supporting more of his weight, that crazy, strong woman.

It's funny, Castle thought, as he passed through his office, how little things actually change. It's sort of like when you return from a vacation. You expect it to look different when you return. He feels like his home, his office, his environment should have changed with the events over the past week. Yet, here they are… unchanged. It was both comforting and strange to know that even though his world had turned upside down, not everything has changed. Life goes on.

When he reached the front room all the lights were off. Strange, he thought, considering it was only close to 8 pm.

"Kate? Alexis? Mother?" Castle called out. "Sheesh! A man gets shot and his family deserts him."

Nothing. Not even a peep.

"Ok… this isn't funny anymore. I know you guys didn't leave me…" Castle calls out. He wasn't that rude to Kate earlier. Was he?

"Guys?" Castle finally spoke after making his way to the kitchen.

"SURPRISE!"

The lights came on and all around him was his friends and family. He could see Gates, Esposito, Ryan, and Lanie standing together with huge grins on their faces. He could see Gina, the Mayor, and Patterson behind the island. A few others, people he associates with on a daily basis at the 12th or Black Pawn, were sprinkled around the kitchen. Everyone who means something to him is here. They are here to celebrate his life, and their parts in it.

As his eyes round to the far right, he spots Jim, Alexis and his Mother. His mother and daughter have their arms around each other, smiling. He can see the barely restrained glee in Alexis' eyes as she is practically bouncing up and down. She always enjoyed planning surprises for him, almost more than the surprises she received from him. Jim had a look on his face that he couldn't quite identify. He only met his father once, but he had seen a similar look on his face as well.

Finally, his eyes fall on Kate Beckett. She was standing away from everyone, watching him with an intense scrutiny. She had tears in her eyes and a soft smile on her face. He was overwhelmed with the feelings the look on her face invoked in him. She was proud of him. She loved him. He could feel that in the look she was giving him from across the room.

"Hey Castle! I think this is the longest I've ever been in a room with you and you didn't have anything to say!" Esposito calls out. Castle had taken at least 45 seconds to scan the room when his gaze had been stuck on Kate.

"I'm not overly familiar with Surprise Party Etiquette, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to heckle the guest of honor, Espo." Castle deadpanned.

"Come on, Castle. Speech!" Ryan spoke up.

Castle glanced to Kate. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. He didn't really want to say anything. He was happy to have his friends and family around him. All he wanted at this point was to sit down and enjoy their company.

Kate must have read his mind because she was already approaching him. She smiled at him, in reassurance, to let him know she had his back. It wasn't like Kate to willing put herself in the spotlight, so he was so grateful she was on her way to save him.

As she reached his side, she reached her hand out and grabbed his hand in hers. She pulled him over to the table and had him sit in a chair. It surprised him how well she really knew him. Once she could tell he was ok, she turned to address the crowd.

"I want to thank you all for coming over tonight. Alexis and I decided to try to pull this off last minute so it means a lot to us that you were able to come celebrate with us tonight. As you all know, Castle had a close call earlier in the week. It is a miracle to have him home and ok after such a scary situation. I personally know how stubborn he can be, and for that I am glad that he is stubborn enough not to leave us."

Kate took a deep breath and moved closer to Castle. She aligned her body with his side, and rested her hand on his shoulder. Rick reached up and held her hand in his.

"With our family gathered here, I wanted to take the opportunity to apologize to you all. My actions 4 months ago nearly destroyed the relationships I hold most dear to me. I have decided to quit my job in DC and return to New York. To my home. I don't really know what the future looks like, and I can't expect forgiveness from you all tonight, but I wanted you to know that I plan on fixing things. I've returned a better friend, a better daughter, and a better partner." Kate squeezed Castle's hand as she said partner. "I hope to prove that to you all."

She turned to look into his eyes. "Castle, you are my future. You mean… everything. I hope to spend the rest of my life making you happy, and letting you annoy me. I love you."

Before she could even finish, Rick was up out of the chair and holding Kate in his arms. He pulled back slightly to kiss her. She had been surprised by his quick movement, but quickly gave everything she had to him in the kiss. They could barely hear the cat calls and clapping behind them.

Eventually, they broke the kiss but did not leave each other's arms. Kate's face was pink with embarrassment. She had never felt so emotionally vulnerable before, but she wasn't ashamed she did it. It had been important to her to gather their friends and family to publicly admit her faults as well as her love for Castle.

"Kate, did you just propose to me?" Castle joked loudly enough for their friends to hear.

As soon as those words left his mouth the room grew incredibly quiet. Kate felt like the entire room had shifted to lean in for her answer. She could tell by the expression on his face that he regretted saying it out loud.

"Please, Castle, you aren't getting out of proposing to me. I expect to be wined and dined, buddy." There… she went with a joke back. Hopefully that wouldn't hurt his feelings.

"Besides, Richard, she hasn't even asked my permission for your hand in marriage." Martha spoke up.

"I think asking for 2 cows is an appropriate dowry. Right, Grams?" Alexis jumped in.

"Just 2 cows? I am worth more than 2 cows!" Castle replied in fake dismay.

"Castle, you are lucky to get that. If it were up to me it would be two goats and a chicken." Kate joked back.

Castle turned to his friends that were captivated by the little show. "Did you guys hear this? I'm glad we have witnesses here to testify to the abuse I deal with on a daily basis."

"Rick, you brought this on yourself son. When you marry my daughter I am afraid this will be your life. Permanently." Jim finally spoke.

It took both Kate and Rick by surprise to hear him talk so casually about their impending marriage. It was like everyone thought it was a foregone conclusion at this point. It was, to be honest, but it was still weird to hear considering they hadn't even had the "determine the relationship" discussion.

"God help me." Rick replied. Then, he reached for Kate's hand. "Kate?"

"Rick?" Kate's heart had begun to beat wildly in her chest. She was standing, he was sitting on the chair. Surely he wouldn't propose now…

"Will you…" he paused for dramatic flair, "be my girlfriend?"

Kate let out a startled giggle. "Yes, Richard Castle, I will be your girlfriend."

He pulled her down and gave her another kiss. It was perfect.

For the next hour their friends mingled. They took their turns approaching Castle to offer him "get wells" and "congratulations". This wasn't what he had in mind on his first night home, but he couldn't imagine a better way to spend his first night of freedom. Off in the distance, he could see Kate reunited with the boys and Lanie. Good, he thought.

Eventually people began to leave. Castle had moved from the kitchen table to the couch where he could lay back more. He was fighting the pain and exhaustion because he didn't want to miss a single moment of his party. However, his guest began to catch on (or perhaps Kate began subtly suggesting that the party was over) and he found himself once again alone in his living room.

"Rick?" Kate called as she entered the room. Their last guest had finally left.

"Kate." He answered.

She came and sat down next to his head. She began stroking his hair. "How are you feeling?"

"Happy."

She smiled. "Good to hear, but that isn't what I meant, Rick."

"I'm feeling fine, tired." He paused. "Thank you, Kate. It meant a lot to me."

"You're welcome. I'm glad you are home."

He reached up and pulled her closer. He whispered, "I'm glad you're home too."

Kate leaned in and kissed him softly. "There isn't anywhere I'd rather be."

**That's it, folks! Thank you so much for the support on this story. It was an amazing experience to write my first Castle story. I've had some faithful reviewers throughout this entire process that kept me motivated and excited to keep writing. I truly appreciate you. **


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